TITLE: Soul Without a Boy
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
London confronting Abby, daughter of the city's ruling magus family, on her hot and cold behavior with him.
"I don't care about what you are," she said, and then shocked him again by jerking him down to meet her lips.
His arms circled her waist. He kissed her with all the conviction he possessed, all the raw emotion that he had yet to sort out. She moaned into his mouth, a desperate, pained sound that shot straight through his body. She smelled earthy and sweet, like the Whispering City--water over weathered stones, hollow trees, and the heady, dizzying scent of magic.
Her fingers slid down his neck, nails scraping skin. They danced along his collarbones and smoothed over his chest. She could probably feel the flutter of his heartbeat against her palms.
She nipped once at his bottom lip and then rested her check against his jaw. He gently nudged her to look up and then touched their foreheads together, mouths centimeters apart and breathing the shared air. For a brief moment, he believed they'd be okay.
"I'm going to be engaged," she whispered.
What? His hand stilled in her hair. "What?" he said aloud.
"I'm the eldest daughter. Mother has been planning my engagement for two years now. For when I turn eighteen."
"You're getting engaged?" he repeated stupidly. He extricated himself, stepping back to put space between them. "You can't..." He strengthened his voice, hardening it with the anger that came too easily lately. "You can't keep kissing me and then--" Breaking my heart.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I have to say, I didn't see the getting engaged revelation coming. I thought the revelation was just going to be that they love each other. I like that little twist.
ReplyDeleteI have a question about what she smells like. This could be because of the whole being dropped in the middle thing, but do hollow trees smell different from regular trees? I can't imagine what that smells like.
Also, in the sentence "He strengthened his voice..." you end it with "too easily lately". Something about having three adverbs in a row kind of just rubs me the wrong way.
But other than those things, I liked it and I feel for your MC.
I'm ambivalent on the "smelled like the Whispering City" line. On the one hand, it shows how the character thinks, which is good interiority. On the other hand, I have no reference for what this is like. However, you give us a description afterwards, so maybe it works. Like I say, I don't know. I'll let others weigh in.
ReplyDeleteThe only other thing I noticed was this line: "What? His hand stilled in her hair. "What?" he said aloud.
The redundancy didn't work for me. It pulled me out of the scene. It was a place where I "felt" the hand of the author.
These are small complaints, of course, because otherwise this really, really works. Nice job.
Oh, and if you want to know what I mean by interiority, read this:
ReplyDeletehttp://elainepenglish.blogspot.com/2010/02/interiority-and-voice.html
Didn't see the twist at end, poor guy!
ReplyDeleteTwo nit-picks:
Where he thinks "She could probably feel the flutter of his heartbeat against her palms." I stopped and re-read the passage thinking there was a head hop here. It wasn't but it threw me. Maybe make his own reverence to his heartbeat not what he thinks she is thinking...
Last line: "Breaking my heart." is awkward. Is this a thought finishing his sentence? Then maybe clarify. "Break my heart, he thought." Or italicize if it makes sense.
Great job.
Great! I do wonder where this comes in the story, beginning, middle or end. The impression I got from these characters is that they aren't a good couple. She seems manipulative and he seems needy. I'd also smooth out the last of the dialogue. Something along the lines of:
ReplyDeleteHis hand stilled in her hair.
"Mother has been planning my engagement for two years now. For when I turn eighteen." IS SHE HEARTBROKEN? DEFIANT? JUST A WORD HERE, MAYBE.
"You're getting engaged?" he repeated stupidly, stepping back. "You can't..." His voice turned hard with the anger that came too easily lately. "You can't keep kissing me and then--" (I'd rather have him storm off here than whine about a broken heart)
Look for redundancy and where you over-qualify. Nice work!
I really like this! It's so sweet. And I love that that's her revelation. It was a very easy passage to read - I like your writing.
ReplyDeleteJust one suggestion:
I don't think you need the internal 'what?' before "his hands stilled in her hair" - I think you can go straight into it.
I love the last line!
I really liked this and both characters. In their world, however, it sounds like parents choose whom their kids marry. Wouldn't the hero know her parents would marry her off to someone else?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others. The first "that" isn't needed.
Love the last line...only why couldn't he tell her she's breaking his heart?
Would love to read more.
I have to admit...I read this whole post without a single critical thought.:) I loved it and wanted to continue reading until the end! I especially loved the final paragraph. My heart ached for the main guy. Wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteI really like this. Very sensual, and I like that you're mixing his internal thoughts with the dialogue. I disagree with some of the comments about needing the "he thought" or italics. It's clear he's thinking it without those since it's written in 1st person POV. Adding would just bog down the writing, I think. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe revelation came as a surprise to me and the MC, so nice work there.
ReplyDeleteThe kiss wasn't very exciting because it's written very generically. He kissed her with all the conviction he possessed is really vague. What does that mean? What did he actually do? How did it feel? How did it affect him? Was it a passionate kiss? A desperate kiss? A little more detail please. It seems this is a big moment. Make it feel big.
I thought she smelled like too many things, and that none of them were sweet smelling, so perhaps earthy and sweet don't mesh too well together.
And I agree about that first 'what?' in the 3rd last parg. It took me right out of the story. Perhaps cut it.
I liked the bits of your world I caught glimpses of here. Sonds interesting!
I love that the girl is the one who takes the lead and kisses him. It really made me want to be in her POV, instead of his, when she is the one who really seems to be driving the scene. Like the comment from Barbara, I agree that I want more specifics from him about how he is feeling, and being affected by the kiss.
ReplyDeleteI did really like this, "She smelled earthy and sweet, like the Whispering City--water over weathered stones, hollow trees, and the heady, dizzying scent of magic." This told me a lot about him, and how he sees things. I really wanted more of this.
Overall, I liked this and where you left the scene, it made me want to read more.
I really enjoyed this. I actually like the double "what"; it helped me get a handle on his personality, since that's the first time in the excerpt that he really reacts to something.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know a little more about what the MC was feeling during all of this. I can infer that he likes her, likes her kissing him, but is he excited? nervous? both? something else entirely? There's a lot of what she smells like and what she's doing, but not a whole ton of reaction from the MC. I want to know more about him. He reacts at the end (great reveal, by the way!), but I want a little more before that.
Typo: "rested her check" should be "rested her cheek"
I'm hooked, even though this isn't an "are you hooked?" crit session. Great job!
I like this, although some of the wording is awkward, as others have mentioned. This sentence threw me a little.
ReplyDelete"She could probably feel the flutter of his heartbeat against her palms."
How about, "His heart pounded against her palms," or some other description of what he felt, not what she could probably feel.
:)
I like this. There were some wording issues that threw me, though most have already been mentioned (e.g. the heartbeat against the palms, the double what). The third kissing paragraph started to feel like a bit much, or maybe it just needs more varied sentence structure. I'm not sure. Either way, this is a good job overall.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and I love the title.
WOW! There are so many things I love about this. I love the dialogue - I love how he stops himself mid-sentence at the end.
ReplyDeleteI love the line "He kissed her with all the conviction he possessed, all the raw emotion that he had yet to sort out."
I LOVE the revelation. 100% AMAZING!
"Jerking" isn't very romantic. "Pulling" is softer but we still get the tension/aggression. Again "scraping" felt a little off and "danced" makes me think she's drumming them. Love the "centimeters apart" line and the "For a brief moment" line. And then I loved her reveal, I thought it was perfectly abrupt after all the love, I think I gasped and laughed out loud. :) and his reaction is PERFECT. (imho..hee)
ReplyDeleteI want to read more! Nothing constructive to add that hasn't already been said, but I felt the need to add one more vote for the title. Love it!
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome. Very strong writing, you've got a great, natural flow. Your dialogue and back and forth were quite seamless.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd change really is I'd take out this part: "all the raw emotion that he had yet to sort out". I would make it: "He kissed her with all the conviction he possessed and she moaned into his mouth. A desperate, pained sound that shot straight through his body. She smelled..."
Totally subjective, but I really think it would flow better, just a subtle pacing change. Plus, romantic moods and narration are tricky. They're SO so easy to overwrite and go overboard with, and so I tend to think less is more, no need to dip into the emotions he had yet to sort out - its obvious he's confused and overwhelmed just from his inner voice and how he reacts to her. Trust in your narration.
Thank you for all the amazing feedback, everyone. This is great stuff! I really appreciate it :D
ReplyDelete