TITLE: Uriel's Fall
GENRE: Paranormal Fantasy
Ronnie has figured out the voice in her head belongs to the long-dead archangel Metatron. She's relieved because it means she's not insane, but is still trying to figure out the ins and outs of this 'gift'.
"Why did he bring me back?" Metatron pushed the question past Ronnie's lips without warning.
Ronnie winced. That wasn't going to fly during the rest of the conversation.
Then stop being wishy-washy.
Michael sat again, feet planted on the floor. He didn't look at her. "He created the original Metatron. I don't know if you know that. Lucifer did. He was ordered to make her perfect, and he did."
That had to hurt; sending his creation to its doom.
"He gave her something unique. Something none of the rest of us has." He looked at her, something unreadable in his eyes. "She didn't draw her power from Yahweh. She couldn't and still do what she was made to do. She was her own entity."
That explains a lot. Neat-o. I rule.
Ronnie didn't know what to say. It wasn't what she expected to hear, and it only created more questions.
He wasn't deterred by her silence. "After she was destroyed, he held that name close. It took a lot out of him to preserve any part of her. I didn't know until I met you, but I have a feeling he's been plotting for a long time. Something about that nameless little cherub you used to be prompted him to gift you with his most precious possession."
Someone else's name. All any cherub wanted was a name. It meant becoming more. But Ronnie didn't think any of them expected to be gifted with a used one.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I was really confused here. It took me a while to figure out that first sentence, which is probably because I don't have enough background, but then I hear Metatron and I immediately start thinking about Transformers. Then we get to Michael and I don't know who that is, and then he's using a pronoun and I don't know who 'she' is, so maybe this wasn't the best place to drop me.
ReplyDelete-Chelle
I agree that a lot of this was confusing, and perhaps it was because we didn't get enough in the setup. It's hard dropping us into a scene and knowing how much info to give. I also agree that Metatron made me think of a self-referential transformer. "It's a transformer that turns from a robot into... a slightly different-looking robot!" (Just teasing there. ;-) )
ReplyDeleteThat aside, there were a couple other things I noted. First, Metatron's dialog wasn't clearly dialog. I get what you're trying to do here, but even if you do it consistently throughout, it still is going to be confusing. You may just want to give them tags. Perhaps the italics method (That explains a lot, Metatron said. Neat-o. I rule.)
Also, some of the conversation felt stilted. For example, the line, "He created the original Metatron. I don't know if you know that. Lucifer did."
There's a weird separation there. It feels like your sentences are out-of-order. Also, the male speaker's conversation overall feels very, very formal. If this isn't very true to his character, I'd work on rewriting it.
Other than that, it's interesting.
I like the idea of Metatron in Ronnie's head, but if she's still learning to understand this "gift", I would have expected a stronger inner reaction (she winces once). Does she want his input? Does she want him to shut up? A possible way to add inner conflict to the scene.
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with scenes like this where there are more than two characters talking about more characters. Perhaps the use of more names and less pronouns, and dialog/thought tags would help clarify who's who.
Interesting premise. Nice work!
It is an interesting premise. I liked Ronnie's voice and I'm going to assume the confusion is coming from the fact that this is an excerpt, but you might want to consider clarifying. I also thought Metatron sounded like a Transformer. Maybe a name that is more angelic. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI had to read this a couple times to get what was going on, even with the lead in. And is that Metatron speaking in the parentheses?
ReplyDeleteI agree with macronipants, Metatron is a total transformer name! It's cool, I don't have a problem with it, just saying.
I agree with the others: Metatron made me think Transformers. And is Metatron a male or female? That and the androgynous name Ronnie had me confused with the he/she and took a bit to figure out who was talking when. Was the italics Ronnie talking to herself, or Metatron?
ReplyDeleteThe cherub and naming did have me intrigued. The revelation was clear, learning about the origins of Metatron.
It did take several reads to get this, by I'm thinking that's because I'm coming in in the middle of things.
ReplyDeleteAs far as revelation goes, this didn't come off as a big reveal. It felt more like he was giving her a piece of useful information. The problem, I think, is that she doesn't react to the info. The way she takes it is the way the reader will take it, so perhaps bump up her level of amazement.
You might give us some strong reactions from Metatron also, if any of this is news to her, for the same reasons.
The idea was interesting, but I have to admit, I was more interested in the cherubs and their getting names, and wondered about the importance and relevance of that.
Just up front I want to say that I liked this and I can see a whole bunch of potential in the conflicts. The concept is really neat.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line. It was interesting and demonstrated well that Ronnie wasn't fully in control.
Then Ronnie thinks it isn't going to fly, and Metatron tells her to stop being wishy washy? I don't understand. If what you're saying is that Ronnie won't let Metranon use her voice, then what does the next line mean? This may be just that previously she had decided that Metatron thought-projecting was uncomfortable, and Metatron is telling her to make up her mind - but that isn't really wishy-washy.
In the next line, why does it matter that when Michael sat again his feet were "planted on the floor"? I don't think that line really adds anything. If previously his feet had been floating, I'd suggest rewriting the line as something like "Michael stopped pacing and sat in the chair opposite her again. He looked older, heavier. Even his feet were now firmly on the ground."
Michael then goes on to discuss the creation of the Metatron. I thought the "he" at the beginning of that sentence referred to God, and I was then confused by the mention of Lucifer. Were you trying to say that God created the Metatron and then Lucifer made her perfect? But I think it means Lucifer created her and then made her perfect.
The Metatron's interjection (the italics?) juxtaposed with Michael's last comment makes it appear as though by making her perfect Lucifer sent her to her doom. If that's the case, I don't understand how it works and it seems a little like a non-sequitur.
Next paragraph Michael talks about what "she" had done to her and then looks at "her". I'm assuing he's talking about Metatron and looking at Ronnie, but that's a little bit ambiguous.
The Metatron's reaction to finding out she's self-determined is cute and made me smile. I can understand why Ronnie would need processing time! I would too!
Then I have to ask - why would Ronnie's silence be expected to deter Michael from speaking? He's been doing a lot of explaining, with Ronnie not speaking. It seems odd that he was suddenly, notably, undetterred by her silence.
The last paragraph - I love the whole idea that Lucifer has had his loved creation destroyed and has been planning to bring her back. Is Ronnie a cherub? This makes me think all along he's been speaking to Metatron, not Ronnie.
Overall, I absolutely love the idea, but I'm finding the phrasing a little ambiguous, which has lead to some confusion. I'd love to read the whole thing, it looks like fun!
I like just about anything with angels, or fallens in it and this has a lot of potential. Take the advice of the others before me and you will have something pretty great here.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the work.
This is really hard to read, and a lot of it seems like an info dump. And nothing here makes me engage with any character ...
ReplyDeleteConfused about who the "He" is that Michael's talking about. And with 'he' also referring to Michael later.
ReplyDeleteI think you could tinker with tightening up the information Michael's giving, or break it up. I had a hard time digesting all the info bc when we read we tend to see everything at once. I hope that made sense. Intruiging story :) I like plots where the protag. is a victim of someone twisting the day-to-day rules on them.
I do think that this is one of those things where you read and think, "Um, I REALLY need to know more about what the heck is going on." I didn't know who the italics belonged to, but I assumed Ronnie because if that's Metatron thinking that, I'm not buying it at all. Doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading MIchael's explanation of things, I was often confused as to who was who. Who was "he" later on? God? Lucifer? I have no idea how all this works, but I'm still pretty sure that most of it is because we have no clue what's going on - even with the quick lead-in.
Points if Metatron is(was) a female though. That's a nifty little twist I've not yet seen. And for some reason, I've always liked Metatron, no matter what form it takes.