TITLE: Killing Kessler
GENRE: YA paranormal
Our hiding spot is less than ten feet from the boy. An overhead floodlight blazes against the predawn sky, so bright I see the sweat falling from his wavy blond hair and the clumps of dirt on his shovel. He has stubble on his jaw and a muscular chest and arms, but he looks young, maybe about sixteen - the same age as me.
I glance at Leila. My sister's over-glossed lips are stretched into a wide smile, her ebony eyes even larger than normal. I reach out to her with my mind. Forget it, Leila, I think. He's locked in the Village.
We're watching him through the witch hazel bushes outside the Village fence. The electric fence, twenty feet of razor wire crowned with another five feet of spiked coils, surrounds Pitman Air Force Base. The base was once the heart of Wexler Falls, until Alexander Zika's henchmen transformed it into the concentration camp we know as the Village.
Leila's expression doesn't change, but I know she heard me. We can shut off our thoughts as easily as closing our eyes, but if she was blocking me out, I would feel it.
Seriously, it's not like he's going to break out of there and take you on a date, I add.
I don't need a date, she thinks. I just want to talk to him. She adjusts her bubble gum pink halter top and smoothes her silky black hair. Her arm grazes a bush, stirring its branches.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like this. You've done a great job of creating a strong voice and giving enough details to hook the reader and keep them curious enough to continue reading!
ReplyDelete:-)
i enjoy the voice in this a lot. I'm also hooked and want to know more about what's going on. It took me a paragraph or so to get into the present tense, though. But once you start the character interactions it blended smoothly. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely intrigued by this. I like that you managed to pack a lot of worldbuilding into these first 250. Psychic sisters! Concentration camps! I want to know why a girl is dressed for flirting in the pre-dawn hours hoping to talk to a prisoner. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteMy one thought is that from reading this it seems more dystopian or something than just straight paranormal.
I like it. It's interesting, but I'd like to know the gender of the main character earlier; if it's a boy, he's much too interested in his sister's physical attributes...
ReplyDeleteI thought there was a lot here that said Read me!" Concentration camps, The Village, mind reading sisters, a prisoner, electric fences, and it's written well. Im hooked!
ReplyDeleteHooked! I love the voice, the mind reading, the village, all of it.
ReplyDeleteI have a few thoughts, feel free to take what you want and disregard the rest :)
'overhead floodlight' - the light is outside and blazing against the sky. Is the word 'overhead' really needed?
'Ebony eyes' I wasn't sure about this as it's a paranormal so perhaps her eyes really are black, but if not maybe find a different way to describe them?
'... outside the Village fence. The electric fence.' Maybe you're mentioning the fence twice like that for emphasis, but it seems redundant to me. You could add the fact that it's electric into the description of the fence and delete the phrase 'the electric fence'. (that's a lot of fences :))
I'm assuming your MC is female but it's not obvious. Maybe when Leila thinks back she could add her sibling's name - 'I don't need a date Name', she thinks.
As I say, just a few thoughts. I really really want to read more of this.
Why are they watching him? I was slightly creeped out- it seemed like they were stalking this boy.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I really want to know more about the Village and why they are watching the boy. I agree witht the comments saying that you need to insert the mc's name in here somewhere, so we can find out if he or she is male or female. I'd cut the word "about" when describing his age of maybe sixteen. I think it reads smoother without it. All in all....I like it a lot.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the gender is ambiguous. But, most people aren't going to pick up a book with nothing else--that is, they'll at least have read the blurb on the back, so I'm not certain it is a deal breaker here... if you can get it in, great. For some reason, I read it as male, as identifying with the guy they were watching. The curiosity is interesting, and it makes me curious, too.
ReplyDeleteHooked! I'm curious about the boy, the concentration camp, why the girls are watching the boy, EVERYTHING! I agree with Valerie, though. This does seem to fit dystopian with all the elements mentioned in just the first 250 pages. Wonderful job!
ReplyDeleteI like this, especially the concentration camp, but I'd like a better sense of why they're there. I'm not big on mind speak, though; it would have more sense of danger if they were whispering. Still, great job.
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing a mindreading girl in a pink halter top crouching in some bushes checking out the pecs on a guy in a concentration camp. they may have run out of 'winners' on eharmony in the dystopian future buuuuuttt...
ReplyDeleteThe rub is that if she was doing something besides 'creeping' I'd be sooo hooked.
I wouldn't say I was hooked... yet. But I would definitely read on to see what kind of story developed from here. I like the psychic element, and the fact that two sisters are scoping out a prisoner. Can't help wondering why. \/
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here, and telepathy - when done well - is engaging and fun. I'm fond of your MC and Leila and I find myself relating to them.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that gives me pause is also, oddly enough, something that has my interest piqued.
I'm very confused about WHEN this all is. A Concentration Camp makes me think this is historical. But, Lelia is wearing lip-gloss and a pink halter top, so it sounds contemporary. But, the utilitarian/militaristic implications of a contemporary concentration camp called "The Village" make me think maybe this is dystopian, too.
Despite the initial blip of confusion, I'm more invested than not. I'd read more.
Really cool idea, so I want to read on, but it would be stronger if you lose some of the adjectives and don't explain everything right away. We don't need to know every detail/color of the sister's appearance.
ReplyDeleteAnd let the reader wonder about the backstory of this village-prison for a little while longer.
For example, this paragraph:
**We're watching him through the witch hazel bushes outside the Village fence. The electric fence, twenty feet of razor wire crowned with another five feet of spiked coils, surrounds Pitman Air Force Base. The base was once the heart of Wexler Falls, until Alexander Zika's henchmen transformed it into the concentration camp we know as the Village.**
could be cut down to:
**We're watching him through the witch hazel bushes outside the Village fence. Twenty feet of razor wire, crowned with another five feet of spiked coils, surrounds the heart of Wexler Falls. Once Pitman Air Force Base, now a concentration camp.**