TITLE: The Taste of Ginger
GENRE: Multicultural Fiction
My parents' small living room was filled with a gaggle of women, all speaking over each other in loud, animated voices. It was like watching a National Geographic special about social dominance, where pitch and decibel level would determine the leader. They wandered around the room, grazing on homemade samosas.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like everything about this except the first sentence. I think it would help tremendously to revise out the "was filled."
ReplyDeleteI like it! To make it active you could, as Kathleen suggested, remove was filled and make the Gaggle of women the subject.
ReplyDeleteA gaggle of women, all speaking over each other in loud animated voices, filled my parent's small living room.
I think you've created a great setting so far, and I would read on Good Luck :)
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I don't know what is going on with all these people in her parents' living room, but it drew me in right away. I like how you keep comparing the women to animals. :P
ReplyDeleteAgree with the other comments so far about revising the first sentence to avoid the passive voice. Other than that, I like the setting so far, and like the National Geographic comparison. :)
ReplyDeleteNice scene setting. I can easily picture this room and these people. Mary had a nice suggestion for making it more active. You could also change 'would determine the leader' to 'determined the leader.'
ReplyDeleteAgreed - great setting, but make first sentence active. Like the National Geographic description, too :)
ReplyDeleteI agree. I've been in that kind of setting before, so I can imagine all the women fluttering about, talking without listening, and reaching for drinks. Would totally read on.:)
ReplyDeleteVery solid scene setting, and it seems natural and not overwritten. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI love it! Very anthropological and evocative! I would def keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis one caught my attention as I read down the list of entrants. I'd read on : )
ReplyDelete