TITLE: Control Freaks
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy
"Your stance is wrong."
Patrick's tone was patient, but I knew him; the way not one, but two fingers tapped against his arm could only be described as 'bad'. Or 'get your form right or I will and you won't like it.'
I readjusted my stance and attacked him again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm hooked. You really set up the story in very few words. I'd read on to see the relationship between these two and to see why the mc needs to learn to fight. nitpicky: You say the tapping fingers can only be described one way and then go on to give us two ways. I would cut the "bad" and just go to, "get your form right . . ." to make this more streamlined. I'd also cut the last phrase (and you won't like it) from that sequence as well. Love the last sentence. Shows us who's in charge and shows more about mc's character.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to know which martial art she's studying. And I'm guessing the narrator is female, but I'm not sure. But yeah, I'd also like to read more to know why she's studying martial arts or whatever and what kind of fantasy element is included.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused about the tapping fingers as well. Perhaps you could simply tell us that is what Patrick is doing and give us the protag's response. And the "or..." threwme off because I wasn't sure if someone was supposed to be saying that or if it was a replay of old memories. I like starting with the training, though. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteWhat interests me most in this scene is the dynamic between the two characters, which I'd read on to learn more about. I do think you could edit down the second paragraph a bit to keep things flowing better. For example:
ReplyDelete"Patrick's tone was patient, but the way his two fingers tapped against his arm said 'get your form right or I will, and you won't like it.'"
I thought this worked okay but could be cleaner.
ReplyDeletePerhaps - Patrick's tone was patient, but those two fingers tapping against his arm meant 'get your form right or I will and you won't like it.'
You might get a little more punch (pardon the pun) if you move "Your stance is wrong" to after the first paragraph and start with "Patrick was patient, but ..." This would set us up for what Patrick is about to say, making us anticipate whatever is coming.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading either way.
I'd read on. I like the fact that we're straight into some literal action.
ReplyDeleteI also slowed down at the tapping fingers. I had to read it twice. So, like everyone else said, maybe revise that sentence.
ReplyDeleteI also think it might be clever if you could rewrite a little so you start with "I attacked Patrick." :)
I really liked the style of this, very direct and clean, not at all overwritten. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAlso, great title.
ReplyDelete