TITLE: Shot in the Dark
GENRE: YA contemporary
For some people, time rushes by, never allowing them a chance to breathe. For others, like me, it can creep forward, forcing you to see all your screw ups in slow motion. Giving you the chance to regret them, but never allowing you the time to grab them back before it's too late.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Interesting, I'd read on. Screw-ups should be hyphenated, I think.
ReplyDeleteWow, this excerpt had a lot in common with the one above it. I can't help but wonder if the second person is completely necessary, and I thought the later sentences were a little redundant to the earlier ones.
ReplyDelete(Also, SHOT IN THE DARK is the title of an old screwball comedy with Peter Sellers. You can still use the title, of course, but just so you're aware.)
I like your wording but think you can make it more concise. Of course, this is my opinion, and opinions are like you know what...everyone has one.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try:
For some people times rushes by but for me it creeps forward, forcing me to view all my screw-ups in slow motion.
Then cut the following line because it's repeating what has already been written. It doesn't add anything new.
Thanks for sharing ;)!
Very interesting! I would read on to see what is happening with the character. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteI like! Would definitely read on. It makes me wonder (in a good way) why the time is slower for the MC. Love the last line, too. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked your opening, made me anticipate some grand screw-ups and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteLove it! I'm hooked ;)
ReplyDeleteI like the tone, very foreboding..
ReplyDeleteThis didn't do anything for me. It was too vague. It could be about anyone and anything. It could take place anytime and anywhere. There's nothing to latch on to.
ReplyDeleteI like it aside from one thing: the last sentence is a fragment or something. I know that kind of writing can add mood, but I always find it jarring when I find a sentence like that in a novel. It's just something to think about.
ReplyDeleteI like the screw up reference, it makes the MC seem self-deprecating which is a quality I admire above all others :) And I think it will help the reader connect to the MC.
ReplyDeleteAlso, like I commented in the prior 50 words, I think the second person in the beginning can work well, a la Percy Jackson.
I think the thing that's hanging me up is that your narrator is dividing people into two groups, as if people experience time one way or the other. But I think that most people have experiences with time seeming to flow differently in different situations. When I read that kind of thing, I find myself arguing with the narrator, and that doesn't help to draw me in or gain my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think the "you" should be "we." You've named a group -- others -- and included the speaker in that group, so this should be how "we" experience time, rather than "you."
Thanks everyone for your comments. I've made some big changes. Now it's all about ME ME ME ME (no you's were used in the rewriting of it). ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd now I'm much happier with it. :D
I would definitely read on - I like the voice here, and can see the YA audience relating right away. I do think the points above were relevant, but it seems like you changed that according to your post yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the diving people into two groups (according to how they experience time) could perhaps be misleading - unless this character truly does experience time differently. It feels like a time travel / alternate reality off the bat, so unless that's the case, you might want to do some rephrashing.
Voice is awesome though!