TITLE: Synthesis
GENRE: Young Adult
Intuition is a funny thing. You can't explain it, you hardly notice it, yet there it is - tickling at the back of your brain like the world's softest feather. So subtle, you're not sure if it's really there or you're just imagining things. And if you ignore it?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love it. You got my attention right away with the ideas about intuition, and that final question draws me right in. Makes me want to keep reading to see what happened that the MC knows about ignoring intuition. Hooked :)
ReplyDeleteSmooth, clean writing - I could definitely spend 300 pages with your voice - but I'm not completely sold on the excerpt itself. Second person is hard to pull off, so I'm wondering if you use it throughout the novel or if this is one of our only tastes of it. Also, I thought the third sentence was redundant to the second.
ReplyDeleteI am left wondering... who is telling the story? What POV is it? I honestly have no clue who the character is at this point. It has great style. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteGreat set-up!I can't wait to see what's tickling at the back of the brain!
ReplyDeletehuh? not my cup of tea. I'd like to meet who's talking or enter into some action that'll pull me in. This doesn't work for me, although later on it would be great.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to find out what is "tickling" the narrator's intuition.
ReplyDeleteThis is a lot like the previous submission. It could be about anyone and anything. It could take place anytime and anywhere. It's too vague. I don't have a clue as to what I may be reading about.
ReplyDeleteLove the hint of something possibly sinister going on. I would definitely keep reading to find out what's up. I think I might lose that last bit at the end. That is the question the reader will ask themselves so you don't need to put it in there. Otherwise i love your use of language
ReplyDelete"tickling at the back of your brain like the world's softest feather."
Nice metaphor! And I don't mind the second person tense if you are a doing it like the beginning of Percy Jackson and the Olympians. It can work really well, I think. I would read more, for sure.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I didn't even clue in it was in second person until I briefly saw someone's comments. I don't, though, anticipate that it's going to be in second person through the entire book. That would be tough to pull off.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I enjoyed this a great deal. I assumed while reading that only this snippet is in 2nd person POV and the rest would be in 1st. Love the hook of that last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. It is something so many people can related to. And I'm interested to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I want to know what happens when you ignore it. I want to know what happens when your MC ignores it. I want to read on.
ReplyDeleteThat last line hooked me. About the 2nd person POV, if that's intentional, fine (although tricky). But if it's just that casual way of speaking that people use, I think it would be more powerful in the first person. Like this:
ReplyDeleteI can't explain it, I hardly notice it, yet there it is - tickling at the back of my brain like the world's softest feather. So subtle, I'm not sure if it's really there or I'm just imagining things. And if I ignore it?
I like that better, but of course, YMMV.
Intriguing ...
ReplyDelete