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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #1

TITLE: Lightstorm
GENRE: Paranormal romance

Humanity's survival lies in the hands of a misanthrope. Her elemental bodyguard could change her mind, but their attraction could cost her life.
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17 comments:

  1. emeraldciteSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:02 AM

    Although not my genre area, this sounds intriguing, but I would like some names. I think names make it a tad more enticing than generic descriptions.

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  2. shelleySeptember 28, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    I agree on both counts, not my genre but sounds intruiging. Even one name will help us want to know more about your character/story.

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  3. Holly BodgerSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    A few things:
    1. It's always confusing when you refer to the same character in two different ways inside such a short piece. I still can't tell if the misanthrope is the bodyguard or not. If it is, just call him that.
    2. What is the bodyguard changing her mind about? Surviving?
    3. The stakes of life or death are always clear, however you need to tell us what is putting her life at risk NOW. What is the challenge here? Who is the antagonist or force that wants her dead and how will he/it try to kill her? And how will she and her bodyguard try to stop this from happening? THIS IS YOUR STORY!
    4. What is inciting this story? Has her life been in danger since birth or has something happened to put her life in danger NOW?

    Best of luck!
    Holly

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  4. RuthSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:22 AM

    I actually love that first sentence. There's a big, fat dilemma right there.

    I thought it was clear that the misanthrope is the one being guarded, but I agree the second clause of the second sentence is too vague. You've got enough word count left to intrigue me further with a bit more detail on why she's potentially going to die. Overall, this intrigues me even though I don't usually read paranormal romance. Good luck!

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  5. KimberlyFDRSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:33 AM

    While intriguing, it's also vague. Give specifics on characters and more definite information on what's going on. Is the misanthrope wanting to save humanity and the bodyguard convinces her otherwise? Or the opposite? And what does their attraction have to do with the fate of humanity?

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  6. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    I agree that names would help clarify a few things. The first line is pretty nearly perfect, but after that it's a little fuzzy - change her mind about saving humanity? There are definitely stakes and dangers here, but I'm not sure how it all ties together. "Misanthrope" and "elemental bodyguard" are great concise descriptors, by the way. Names would just help make things clearer.

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  7. BarbaraSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:50 PM

    I agree about the names. While not essential, using one generally makes it easier for the reader to relate.

    What I wanted to know - what is threatening humanity's survival? And what is the bodyguard changing the misanthrope's mind about? aving humanity? Not saving humanity? The way she's attempting to save humanity? As is, it's too vague.

    And does it matter if their attraction can cost her life? It's not really an added threat because her life is already at risk if she doesn't save humanity.

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  8. SujaSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:59 PM

    Loved the voice. I'll probably get the book just for that. But I agree with the above comments. A little vague.

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  9. staceyleeSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:58 PM

    I'm confused, too but I think a few tweaks to explain things more could make this brilliant!

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  10. Iris St. ClairSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:00 PM

    Who is "her"? Is the main character named Humanity or is she the misanthrope? Who has a bodyguard? I'm afraid I'm lost in who's who. Probably just need a few more words to flesh this out a smidge. I like "misanthrope" though. That first sentence introduces tension all on its own, assuming "Humanity" is not a person.

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  11. Swift ScribblerSeptember 28, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    I wish this one had more information--what is going to happen to humanity? What do you mean by elemental bodyguard? Change her mind from what to what? I do like the conflict of depending on a misanthrope to save humanity.

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  12. Christina EarlySeptember 28, 2011 at 4:18 PM

    I'm not sure what a misanthrope is. Given the context, it seems to be a new type of supernatural or a new name for an old type.

    Otherwise this sounds like a lot of PNRs already out there.

    My suggestion. Clearly define what a misanthrope is. And show how this is different from, rather than similar to, all the other PNRs.

    Also, what type of elemental is the hero?

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  13. Michelle KrysSeptember 28, 2011 at 4:26 PM

    I really liked your first sentence, but I did wonder if Humanity was the MC's name or if you literally meant humanity. Also, it isn't clear who 'her' is in the second sentence. Tidy that up and you have a great logline here :D

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  14. EmilyRSeptember 28, 2011 at 4:50 PM

    I would find the first sentence more compelling if the misanthrope were named, but I love that you define her as a misanthrope, b/c it says so much concisely. The possessives in the second sentence need to be clarified, perhaps just by inserting names.

    Good luck!

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  15. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:27 PM

    I think you need to give us some more to go on. Sounds intriguing, though!

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  16. RebeccaSeptember 28, 2011 at 10:05 PM

    Very succinct, although I was caught off guard with "elemental bodyguard".

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  17. AilsaOctober 2, 2011 at 12:03 PM

    I wasn't grabbed by the first sentence, but then I did have to go and look up what a misanthrope was. However, I don't find the uses of 'her' confusing - I was fine until I tried to figure out how other people could be confused.

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