TITLE: Write Your Name
GENRE: YA Contemporary
When a delusional girl’s self-made world starts to crumble, she has to make a choice – return to an illusion where her brother still exists, or stay present in a guilt-riddled reality with the boy she loves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very concise, but lacking detail. You have left yourself a lot of word count to play with so I would add more specifics-name the delusional girl-describe her-how is her world self-made?
ReplyDeletethis is what a logline is to me, punchy and to the point and enticing
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see a bit more detail. Maybe focus on the differences between the two realities and which one is real (since you said she's delusional and this is a self-made world, I thought maybe neither was real).
ReplyDeleteI would suggest replacing "delusional girl" with the character's name, since there's already other words to indicate her delusion (self-made, illusion). As short as this is, you could get away with a few more details about the two worlds, imagined and real. Otherwise, this is clear, to-the-point, and powerful. Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI think that it's a little too vague. We have a delusional girl, why is she delusional? What about her life made her create a "self made world" and is it literal (like she hides herself away somewhere), or imaginary (in her head)? I'm not yet sure if this is a realistic story or magical one because I'm not sure of your definition of "illusion." And why is this boy guilt ridden and why is he important? The stakes don't come through strong enough to entice me about your book. While it is short, which is good for a logline, it lacks details and tension.
ReplyDeleteChoosing between the love of a brother and the romantic love of a boy...hmm. I'd perhaps like a bit more about the guilt, the delusion / illusion.
ReplyDelete1. Why does she have to make a choice? It's not clear to me what is forcing her to do this. It's also not clear how she does this. Unlike chicken, delusions aren't generally something someone just chooses to have or not have.
ReplyDelete2. What happens if she chooses wrong? It seems like she loses either the brother she has already lost or the boy she loves (although the latter makes it sound like staying in her delusions is a permanent option). Is she going to lose the boy because he has made her choose?
Good luck!
Holly
Just love the sound of this book. It's a damn good logline too!
ReplyDeleteJust to add another opinion: I agree that it could be good to add a few more details about the two worlds, but in general I thought your logline did a great job of making me want to read the book.
ReplyDeleteI like the inclusion of the word "delusional" because it quickly makes it clear what you mean by self-made world.
And I can infer that her delusions and the guilt relate to the loss of the brother, so I don't that to be spelled out more.
Overall, I think it's really strong.
I really want to know why she's guilt-ridden over her brother disappearing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe including her name might be nice. "When delusional _____'s self-made..."
Premise is good. I think that this makes a decent log line :)
Why does her self-made world start to crumble? What happened to make it start to fall apart since it's always worked before? That's the inciting incident which is not mentioned. Perhaps state it.
ReplyDeleteANd rather than choosing between one world of the other (because making a choice is not exciting or tension filled) perhaps say she must meld both worlds together, or find a way to have her brother and boyfriend at that same time (or whatever it is that will be the end result.) You might also add what stands in her way, and what happens if she fails.
Like your logline. Love your title.
ReplyDeleteI was drawn to your title. Nice job. I want a few more specifics in the logline -- her name and if possible some indication of why her delusional world is starting to crumble.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I have absolutely nothing to add :D
ReplyDeleteMy only question is, if it's a self-made world, why can't she have both her brother and the boy she loves? It's not clear why she can't have both and would thus have to choose one or the other.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I like these kind of stories.
I want to know her name.
ReplyDeleteI think this is perfect. It's intriguing, evocative and makes me want to read it!
ReplyDeleteI like this logline. It's straightforward and to the point. I know everyone wants to know the character's names, but the samples of loglines of published works I've found rarely include the characters names. The only thing I might like to know is whether an antagonist is crumbling her world so that I understand her obstacle better. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI know this has already been mentioned but I want to know WHAT (inciting incident) made her world shift. It was one way but it's it's changed - what caused it?
ReplyDeleteI think with that detail the log line becomes clearer and then I can understand the stakes.
Thanks to everyone who has commented. Some really helpful suggestions - I'll be using them to edit :)
ReplyDelete