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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #17

TITLE: Drifting in Darkness
GENRE: New adult, paranormal romance, suspense

Yearning for romance with a hot new neighbor, recent college graduate Darcia Daniels finds it close to impossible to keep the secret she has come to call drifting: fainting episodes during which she “drifts” from her body and becomes psychically connected to a stranger just as they are learning someone they love has died.
As a serial killer begins leaving his handy work lying around, Darcia discovers the guy of her dreams is keeping secrets of his own and she must embrace her psychic “disability” to decipher friend from foe.
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10 comments:

  1. KimberlyFDRSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:50 PM

    The main point of the story, to me, is that Darcia can drift, thereby helping her solve the mystery of who this serial killer is. The twist is that the neighbor she's falling in love with may be involved (I assume). Try to focus your attention on these elements in order rather than bringing the neighbor in, going to the serial killer, then coming back to the neighbor.

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  2. A.J. LockeSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:55 PM

    I think you can cut down on the wordiness and only include the main points, the MC, what's at stake for her and what will happen as a result.

    When Darcia Daniels starts having fainting episodes that result in leaving her body and becoming connected to a stranger at a specific moment in their lives, she struggles to keep it a secret while yearning for romance with a new neighbor. But when a serial killer emerges, Darcia realizes her new crush has secrets of his own and the only way to stop the killer is to embrace her physic "disability"

    Something more along those lines would encompass everything you need to say and cut down on wordiness.

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  3. Holly BodgerSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:57 PM

    The first line makes it sound like her secret is affecting her yearning while I think it is probably affecting her relationship with him. I would suggest you clarify.

    The latter part is a little confusing. It sounds like she has to drift into the guy's head while he is learning about someone's death so that she can tell if he is the serial killer or not. If so, this doesn't make sense as he wouldn't be learning about a death if he caused it. Honestly, I think you need to work on clarifying how her "gift" is going to help or hinder her from meeting her goal.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  4. historybenderSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:48 PM

    That first sentence is confusing. What does the romance have to do with the drifting? Oh, I see as I read on...but still the order of this logline seems wrong.

    I would maybe begin with the Darcia in the second paragraph. Darcia(add details of her ability here) discovers the guy of her dreams is keeping secrets and she must embrace her ....and so on.

    Just an idea...I'm still learning.
    Good luck!

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  5. Ann BradenSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:56 PM

    This is an interesting premise.

    I agree with the others about needing to cut out the unnecessary parts so it's clearer. Below I played with the structure, so that it might give you another option...

    When a serial killer begins to leave his handy work around, Darcia Daniels' ability to be psychically connected to someone who has just lost a loved one is suddenly getting more use (you, who actually know the story, would do a better job finishing the previous sentence.) And when Darcia discovers the guy of her dreams is keeping secrets of his own and she must embrace her psychic “disability” to decipher friend from foe.

    Just something to play around with.

    Good luck with this!

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  6. BarbaraSeptember 28, 2011 at 4:17 PM

    Perhaps start with the serial killer rather than the romance, then go into her psychic ability and finish off with her guy having secrets of his own which she must learn before ----- she becomes the next victim (or whatever her failure to do so means.)

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  7. martintjSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:05 PM

    This is mine. Would anyone want to take a look at a rewrite:
    As a serial killer begins leaving his handy work lying around, recent college graduate Darcia Daniels finds it harder and harder to pursue a romance with her hot new neighbor because of the secret she has come to call drifting: fainting episodes during which she “drifts” from her body and becomes psychically connected to a stranger in shock from the news of losing a loved one.
    When a police officer informs her they guy of her dreams has been killed, she finds out he has been keeping secrets of his own and she must embrace her psychic “disability” to decipher friend from foe.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Holly BodgerSeptember 29, 2011 at 2:31 PM

    I like parts of the new one better but I think you should re-word "finds it harder and harder to pursue a romance with her hot new neighbor" because this makes it seem like fluff and the rest is quite serious. Plus, to be perfectly honest, it really doesn't matter if the guy is hot or her neighbour. Just call him the guy she loves or something. Definitely don't use "of her dreams" since this may be confused with her drifting.

    Aside from that, it feels like you are ending with the inciting incident which means we aren't getting very much information about how she is going solve this mystery.

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  9. Ann BradenSeptember 29, 2011 at 2:45 PM

    Hi!

    I like the way you've approached the rewrite. It feels more organized and gets the point across well. I think it's still a bit long, though, so my suggestion would be to look for places to tighten.

    Also, the sentence structure of the last sentence feels a little wonky. Maybe:
    When he is killed and it becomes clear he had secrets of his own, she must embrace her psychic “disability” to decipher friend from foe.

    It's a cool premise. Good luck!

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  10. martintjSeptember 29, 2011 at 3:14 PM

    Thanks very much for the help everyone!!

    ReplyDelete