TITLE: UNDERTOW
GENRE: YA fantasy
When 16-year-old Bea Shepherd's mom is murdered, the secrets about Bea's maternal family and the hidden, magical world in which they lived are exposed. And it's not all pixies and peace-campaigning trolls; if Bea doesn't dig up the buried truth about her peculiar family and stand up to the despot that rules this hidden world, she could suffer the same gruesome fate as her mom.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This sounds intriguing, but if the secrets are exposed when the mom dies, why does Bea have to dig up the buried truth? I love the phrase "peace-campaigning trolls." I'd read this just to know more about them.
ReplyDeleteEven though I think this could be shortened, I love it. I'd definitely open the pages and see if it hooked me as well.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds really good, and has some great elements to make me read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comment, I'm a bit confused. Just make that clearer and I think it would be great.
I am a little confused too; perhaps you can let us in on the secret and then go from there to what she needs to do to defeat the despot.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this because I think you hinted at the fantastical elements in your story without being really obvious about it (i.e. "not all pixies and peace-campaigning trolls").
ReplyDeleteI like the premise, but I'm confused about the secrets. If they were exposed already, why is she digging more? And how does the family's status relate to her mom's murder? A bit more clarity is needed.
ReplyDeleteVery nice - just needs some streamlining. I'm giving it a go (doing this will all my critiques - to help me really). I think you can do without the pixies and trolls in a logline.
ReplyDeleteWhen 16-year old Bea Shepherd's mom is murdered, she discovers her maternal family's hidden, magical world is threatened by a cruel ruler. Bea races to dig up the buried truth about her family so she can defeat the despot or she will suffer the same gruesome fate as her mom.
You might be able to see spots for clarification if I got anything wrong. I'm sort of wondering if those buried secrets are a power the mc can acquire. If so, that info should be included.
Wait a sec. If the secrets are exposed, why does Bea have to search for the truth? I know that's not what you mean, but that's how it comes off.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could just skip to standing up to the despot?
And can you add a gruesome bit about the murder?
I love the pixies and peace-campaigning trolls. Ha!
Good luck!
If the secrets of the family are exposed, how can her goal be to dig up the buried truth (since it was just exposed?) I have the feeling that you are trying to say that Mom's death exposes the fact that she's from a magical family and that Bea needs to dig up why she ended up dead. Either way, you should be more specific.
ReplyDeleteI would also suggest you are more specific when you say "stand up to the despot". If this is the main conflict, we need to get a sense of why this is going to be difficult. I mean, he could be a really nice despot couldn't he? :-)
Good luck!
Holly
I like the title! I agree with others that there seems to be a contradiction...secrets are exposed but she needs to dig up the truth. sounds like a fun read!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first comment. Maybe when the mom dies she learns about her magical family. A little clarification is all you need. Everything else is good.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a great story. I'm intrigued. Though I agree with the others that you need to clear up the contradiction and tighten this up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about how her secrets could be exposed at the same time Bea must dig up the buried truth. I also think you could tighten this a bit, eg. "When 16-year-old Bea's mom is murdered, she must dig up the truth about her magical family and stand up to the despot that rules their hidden world. Otherwise, she could suffer the same gruesome fate as her mom."
ReplyDeleteI like the phrase 'pixies and peace-campaigning trolls', but I think it's better off in your query.