TITLE: Cryptogram Chaos
GENRE: MG
When computer whiz and loner Cody Reynolds, needing cash for his brother, helps two classmates create a popular virtual reality game, he must bring down evil Eamon Wiley who takes control of the game.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I want to know what what the stakes are. What will happen if the evil guy takes of the game. If it's just a game nothing but if it's something more let me know.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try this :
After helping his classmates create a virtual reality, loner Cody Reynolds must stop WHO before he destroys WHAT.
Thank you for sharing!
Very concise and straightforward. Perhaps too much so. This would make me pick up the book, but I'm left wondering about possible tweaks.
ReplyDeleteWhat does Cody's brother need cash for? And why can't he get it himself? And why have Cody's choices for obtaining said cash boiled down to creating a virtual reality game?
Is Eamon Wiley another classmate? A bully? How is he in the picture, apart from being evil? If Cody doesn't bring him down, what happens?
This sounds like a fun, exciting adventure! Best of luck to you!
I like this. Just a tiny bit of polishing so it doesn't feel quite so wordy, and I think it'll be great.
ReplyDeleteI think you could streamline; do we need to know the names? What about "When a cash-strapped computer nerd . . . " Also, you might rethink your verbs. "helps two classmates create" could be "creates a virtual reality game" - I don't know if you need the "two classmates" in there - are they integral to the story? Sounds interesting!
ReplyDeleteI agree with above, a little too wordy.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, though. Right for a MG audience.
This sounds great! I think you could take out "needing cash for his brother". I think it was contributing to the "wordiness" everyone else commented on. Also, I agree we need to see the stakes as well.
ReplyDeleteTake out "needing cash for his brother" and clarify what the repercussions are if Eamon takes control of the game.
ReplyDeleteI agree mostly with the above. What are the stakes?
ReplyDeleteIt has potential! Good work!
UBER-NICE!!! You could write more, I spoze, but you've set this up nicely, I'm hooked, it works, it ROCKS! ㋡
ReplyDeleteI really liked this one. The only thing is I wish I knew what was at stake--especially since I don't know if it takes place in the real world, or one with some fantasy elements.
ReplyDeleteI like your title. I'd suggest omitting that Cody needs cash for his brother, as you don't really explain it, and explain what will happen if Eamon continues to control the game.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
My first question is, why does he need cash for his brother? This whole story rides on the motivation for this goal so it needs to be clear and solid. I'm also a little concerned about him helping others rather than trying to accomplish this for himself (it makes him sound passively engaged in his own goal).
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I think you just need to clear up the consequences if he fails and you'll be good to go.
Good luck!
Holly
This is really concise and well-written. My one suggestion would be to add some stakes at the end. Why must he bring down evil Eamon? What does Eamon wish to do that Cody wants to stop? A 'before' clause. Other than that little nitpick, this is great :D
ReplyDeletereally cool title. I would reword it to something like. When computer whiz and loner cody reynolds needs cash for his brother's....he creates a virtual reality game.
ReplyDeleteThen add in the stakes with eamon. Is he really evil? And what is the danger of him taking over the game?
This one is set up nicely. I agree with whoever mentioned changing the needing money to "cash-strapped" or something similar to cut back on words and I would mention what the stakes are. Other than that, I think this is great.
ReplyDeleteThis reads a little choppy as is. I would separate it into at least two sentences. My feeling is that you don't need the info about needing cash for his brother in the logline. The focus of your story is him needing to bring down Eamon Wiley, but I would like some more details about Eamon. Who is he? A few words of description to indicate whether he is a classmate, a teacher, etc. would be helpful. I'd also like to know the stakes - why does it matter that he's taken over the game? What will happen if Cody doesn't succeed?
ReplyDelete