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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #40

TITLE: BROKEN FOREST
GENRE: YA FANTASY

Avikar is on a mission to rescue his kidnapped sister, Jeslyn. He has no idea her shape-changing captor is planning an invasion, or that she’s fallen for him.
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19 comments:

  1. Jonathan 3dSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    Good basic premise, but I need to know a little about Avikar to get into this. How old? What kind of "mission" are we talking about (i.e., solo in a spaceship, petitioning the government, part of a military unit). The element of romance is good; what if the sister is actually helping him plan the invasion?

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  2. Lori M. LeeSeptember 28, 2011 at 11:49 AM

    Sounds like Avikar is going to have his hands full. I'd like to know why she was kidnapped though. That might give us the bit of insight into their world that this needs. Right now, it feels a little generic.

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  3. Janice SperrySeptember 28, 2011 at 12:20 PM

    Who is falling for the kidnapper? Jeslyn or Avikar?

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  4. AmieSalmonSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:34 PM

    This is great, short snappy to the point. But I agree that maybe a little bit more information just to really intrigue.

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  5. staceyleeSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:37 PM

    I think it's good; your two lines work well here. You may wish to try not using the names but using the names as an opportunity to give us a better idea of what your story is about - for example, "An insecure alien with a history of seizures" instead of "Avikar."

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  6. SujaSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:47 PM

    I like it. Short. Snappy. Tells me in one glance, his goals and the obstacles in his way.

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  7. Iris St. ClairSeptember 28, 2011 at 12:52 PM

    It's very succinct, but almost too succinct. Is there a way to weave in a word or two to describe their world since it's fantasy? Meaning, is her kidnapping occurring in a war zone or is it targeted for political reasons, are they in a world of shapeshifters, invasion by one kind of shapeshifters against another or humans, do we have other weird critters?...that sort of thing.

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  8. Jessica LeakeSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    This sounds interesting, but I was kind of confused as to who the story is about. The first sentence makes it sound like it's an adventure story about Avikar. The second makes it sound like it's a romance about Jeslyn and her captor. So I think either the first or second sentence needs to be clarified a bit.

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  9. Swift ScribblerSeptember 28, 2011 at 1:53 PM

    I thought the first sentence was good, and I was hooked by the "or that she's fallen for him." LOVED IT. I would probably read it on that alone, though I do wish I had more information about the world or the kidnapper. Is he a political leader, an evil over-lord, a mad-sorcerer, a rebel etc...just so I know what kind of story it is.

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  10. KimberlyFDRSeptember 28, 2011 at 2:29 PM

    Is the captor falling for Avikar or has Jesyln fallen for the captor? What kind of mission is Avikar on (more specifics)? And what is the captor planning to invade?

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  11. samsevernSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    This is good but it sounds like you have a huge imaginative world created in your story, (not to mention that I LOVE the title!), n' I want to know MORE! ㋡

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  12. R.A.DesiletsSeptember 28, 2011 at 3:41 PM

    Maybe just two words about each of the people... Like "Crime-fighting Avikar" or "kidnapped kid sister" or "quiet" or "defenseless." Her shape-changing, alien (magician, mutant, etc. Diabolical, evil, etc.).

    I like how it is to the point, but a few more key words would tell me more about your characters.

    I love the last line though ;) "She's fallen for him." I read is as Jeslyn fell for her captor, which is an awesome twist.

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  13. Holly BodgerSeptember 28, 2011 at 6:17 PM

    You should start with something to tell us why he is on this mission (what incites the story?) It sounds like it is the kidnapping but the way this is written, the story starts after that happens.

    Aside from that, I don't understand what the captor is planning on invading or how that will prevent Avikar from rescuing her.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  14. AnonymousSeptember 28, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    I think this gives the gist of the story--the shape-shifter tells you to expect a fantasy and that type of world. "or that she's fallen for him" makes me want to read more and adds some mystery!

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  15. Adam HeineSeptember 28, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I like this, but I think it's lacking stakes still. An invasion of what and how does that affect Avikar? What will happen if Jeslyn falls for her captor?

    Also, I don't think you need to give Jeslyn's name if it's not used again in the logline. Save yourself a word :-)

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  16. AnonymousSeptember 29, 2011 at 7:56 AM

    This sounds like a great story. I like the hook at the end. I agree with the others that this logline needs a little more meat. What makes Avikar (I'm guessing the protagonist)special? Who is the antagonist forming an invasion against? Why should I care?

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  17. Traci VWSeptember 29, 2011 at 4:20 PM

    Sounds like a good adventure with a lot of tension and conflict. Like others have said, I need a bit more. Planning on invasion on what? Who? You have an inherent conflict in that she has fallen for her captor, but I think you could give us a bit more to let us know what the world is like and a bit more of who Avikar is. Good luck!

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  18. BronSeptember 30, 2011 at 5:38 AM

    I wouldn't mind a slight bit more detail on exactly what the kidnapper is planning on invading. Presumably Avikar and his sister are from a different country/land/planet from the captor, but a slight hint as to what sort of world we're dealing with here would be nice. But that's nit-picking, you could let it stand as is.

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  19. custom essaysSeptember 30, 2011 at 5:59 AM

    Very nice article! Thanks a lot.

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