TITLE: Playing God
GENRE: YA spec fic
Kalyn, injured, comes back to the apartment she shares with Lana Lee after encountering a strange man in the woods.
“Why are you on crutches?”
Kalyn blinked. “What?"
“Why are you on crutches? I leave you alone for half a day and you break your leg?”
“I twisted my ankle. The chapel . . .” Everything she’d suppressed poured back into her mind and bubbled at her lips. She clamped them shut, unwilling to share her secrets and her troubles quite yet.
Recognition in Lana Lee’s eyes, and then—“You saw him, didn’t you. Tall. Big guy. Mean-looking. Dressed in black. Nose like a beak with a wart on the end.”
Kalyn’s stomach clenched. “I don’t know what you’re t-talking about. It’s just—”
“Why are you lying to me?”
Why am I lying to her? “Fine. Yes. He knew who I was, okay?”
Lana Lee crossed her arms and jutted her chin at the bed. “Sit.” Kalyn acquiesced and stared up at the girl who was now smirking in an unsettling way. “I’m not above bribing you. I’m not even above blackmailing you.”
Get. To. The. Point. And, because Lana Lee wasn’t Tony, Kalyn said that aloud.
“I know who he is and I know what he wants with you.”
Of course she did. Kalyn wondered if there was anything that went on at the school Lana Lee didn’t know; she doubted it. Even so, she bit her lip and stared imploringly up at the other girl. “Why?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think the story idea is intriguing. The main issue I encountered is too many adjectives. Perhaps pick the main trait you want to showcase. Also use straight to the point and obvious nouns. Don't lose the storyline in flowery writing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and good luck.
A couple of YA cliches you might want to change with other actions: smirking and lip biting. Also, I would write, "Get. To. The. Point." in quotes instead of telling us she's saying it. The dialogue reveals quite a lot about both characters though. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialogue worked. It showed each character's distinct personality.
ReplyDeleteI did think she gave in too easily when pressed about what happened. It seems she's eager to tell what happened when she first comes in, but restrains herself. And then when Lana presses her, she gives it all up without any internal struggle at all.
Perhaps add why she wasn't willing to share just yet. What's her motivation? That way the reader knows why she's holding back. And answer the quesion she asks herself. Why is she lying? That could justify why she gives in and tells so easily.
I thought "Get. To. The. Point." felt a little more annoyed than Kalyn was at that moment.
ReplyDeleteWhat I love is when she asks herself why she's lying to Lana. Like she's being defensive reflexively. It makes me curious what the subtext is here, both between her and Lana and the significance of what actually happened.
Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent!!! This is just rat-a-tat-tat machine-gun dialog, zipping from one conflict to the next, tense as hell, quirky as all get-out, and pretty darn original, to boot! Makes me want to read MORE!
ReplyDeleteI liked the dialogue and the way it showed the power-play relationship between the two characters, with LL winning at the moment. I think it's interesting, too, how LL doesn't show much concern about Kalyn's broken leg, which adds another tense layer to their conflicting relationship. If that's the effect you're going for--excellent.
ReplyDeleteI agree with much of the above comments. However, I also felt that less common words like "acquiesce" and "implore" felt a little old fashioned compared to the rest of the excerpt. If you're going for a bit of a juxtaposed atmosphere, or if Kalyn is the type to use such words, then great! But I thought I'd mention the effect to me in case you weren't aware :)
I had a hard time getting into the scene here. The dialogue seemed choppy. Here's what tripped me up: bubbled at her lips - didn't work for me. Recognition in LL's eyes, and then - pulled me out of the dialogue, POV problem maybe? Why am I lying to her? - I assume Kalyn is thinking this, but still it was awkward and disturbed the flow.
ReplyDeleteIf you can fix the flow, the content of the scene is interesting.
The dialogue seemed to do a good job in conveying the relationship Kalyn and Lana Lee have.
ReplyDeleteA few things stood out to me:
When Lana Lee says "Why are you lying to me?", Kalyn gives in pretty quickly. I think to make it more believable, it would help to show Lana Lee being more pushy about it instead of just asking a simple question. We need a hint as to her tone/body language/etc.
The "Get to the point...Kalyn said that aloud." sentence was a little awkwardly worded. I had to read it a few times to understand what was meant by it. It might help to show her just slightly exasperated (which I think she is instead of full-out annoyed).
i'm not crazy about the get.to.the.point since it seems a little overdone these days. the dialogue seems natural, however.
ReplyDeleteSome really good dialogue here; I love the "bubbling at her lips."
ReplyDeleteLana's "Why are you lying to me?" felt a bit forced and premature. Would she really say that? How about "what are you afraid of?" or "Really?"