TITLE: The Con of War
GENRE: YA Dystopian
Yula and Domino are the teenage, atypical Lady and Lord of a feudal-style keep. Domino cons land barons. Yula fixes illegal technology, among other things. Right now, though, she's digging a hole.
"You're up early." Yula's brother Domino stood under a nearby lamchai tree, arms crossed, and with that damn smirk of his. So he was goading her. Yula had spent enough time with her older brother to know when she was being manipulated. The game was to figure out what he wanted her to do before she found herself doing it against her will.
She hated that game. She turned back to her work. "Can't sleep."
"Don't you have machines that can do that?"
Yula glanced at the farmers, but they were too far away to hear. "Old tech doesn't work 'til moonrise, bakado."
"But you have batteries or something, na?" he said, still with that damn smile.
She slammed the shovel into the dirt, cursing as it glanced off a stone. The batteries were a sore spot, and he knew it. "Stop playing me! Can't you just tell me what you want?"
"You might say no." He gave her a mock pout. "Anyway, this is more fun."
Picking up her shovel, she climbed out of the hole. She planned to stomp back to the keep, but what if that's what he wanted her to do? With a frustrated growl, she got back in the hole and started digging again. He might want her to do that too, but at least she'd be getting some work done.
Domino laughed at her indecision.
"Pede kuso!"
Domino put a hand to his chest. "Aw, you haven't called me that in years."
Miss Snark's First Victim
You told us who they were in the blurb, but didn't give any indication of what the story's about. From the bit here, I'd guess Yula needs to get away from her brother, perhaps? But that seems an internal problem. I have no idea what the external plot is and the dialogue here doesn't do anything to help me determine that. Everything I do know comes from Yula's thoughts, so looking at if from a dialogue perspective, I don't think the dialogue is doing much for you. As a whole, I do get a good sense of their relationship to one another.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I knew what was going on and why. Why is she out there digging a hole so deep she has to crawl out of it? Does it matter? Is it important? Perhaps try to give us a sense of what the big picture is here.
This has got SUCH a grand-scale hallucinatory tone to it, and I was SO blown away, and swept away, that I almost forgot in reading it to pay attention to the dialog!!! Reading it again, there isn't much, just enough to move the story forward, to "see" the characters inside my head, and to get a feel for their relationship and potential conflicts.....Just over-the-top in love with this, even if I don't understand it all, cuz you've created a world with its own language, its own logic, its own vibe, and that is WAY FREAKIN' IMPRESSIVE!!
ReplyDeleteI was okay with the description of this for setup to a talking heads snippet, though if I actually NEEDED to know what the story was about, this wouldn't be enough. (Conflict, stakes.)
ReplyDeleteI feel like this dialogue might work better within the context of the story, but isolated here, it needs a good tightening. Don't repeat ideas. Get to the point.
Also, keep in mind the reader's line of direction. For example, where she says she can't sleep, and he follows up with "Don't you have machines that can do that?" It took my third reading to understand that he meant machines that could dig a hole. I honestly thought he meant machines that could sleep before.
I think the dialogue flows fairly well. You might want to have a few more action tags. Domino pointing to the hole, for example, makes it clear that the machines he's talking about are for digging, not sleeping.
ReplyDeleteI was a little bit confused by the narrative, but also realize it likely makes perfect sense in the context of the rest of the story. I didn't see how a comment that Yula was up early was goading or manipulating, as an example.
I love the set up, by the way, and the idea that Yula and Domino are lawless lords fascinates me.
I like this dialog, does a lot to illustrate their relationship (feels true for siblings). Agree with earlier comment about a little tightening could strengthen (damn smirk and damn smile seems repetitive, maybe just "still smiling" on second reference). Especially like getting in/out of hole, indecision. Not sure you need frustrated to describe growl. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought this was very well-written. I liked the uniqueness of this world that's conveyed just from this small little blurb of dialogue. I also liked the casual inclusion of another language.
ReplyDeleteI had a couple of nitpicks to point out to you:
"Don't you have machines that can do that?" He's talking about the hole, but after what Yula just said about sleeping, it doesn't make sense. It would help to have him indicate the hole in some way first.
Also, "Domino laughed at her indecision." How does Yula know what exactly he's laughing at? (POV).
can't really say i'm into dystopian/steampunk, etc., but you incorporated action and "foreign language" w/your dialogue well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jodi and Jessica about the machine line; it was the only one that really stopped me up in this passage. I also like that the slang comes across as a little Japanese to me, but maybe that's because I'm more familiar with it. Still, I enjoyed it--like an easter egg in the passage!
ReplyDeleteI think that the dialogue itself is good, but the thought behind it could be tightened a little. It's a little expository, and I think there are some things the reader could assume based on what's come before. Play around with those, see if you can cut any out. :)