TITLE: Fellowship of the Fireflies
GENRE: Literary Fiction
Sam, the chauffeur, is driving Stevie (the narrator) home from a bad day at school. The two are unlikely best friends. Sam just confronted Stevie about smoking pot.
"Yeah," Sam said, "There you go. Get mad. Because I'm normal and you're the freak, right? You're the one we're all supposed to feel sorry for. Nobody else has problems."
"Yeah - no," I said. "Of course not."
"Nobody in the world has it as bad as you, do they, Princess?"
"That's not what I'm saying."
"Let me tell you something, Corncob. So long as you keep that chip on your shoulder you're gonna be called Vampire Fag and a lot of other stuff that's just as bad, maybe worse. We all got problems. We all got pain. My momma left me and my sister with my nasty old man because she couldn't deal with his drinking. I understood why she wanted to leave, just not why she couldn't take me with her. I had to fight my drunk daddy off my sister to keep him from raping her. He broke my nose, but I didn't stop till she got away. You know what he did then?"
I had no voice to answer.
"He shot my dog, just to get back at me for swinging punches at him. I wanted him to shoot me. I dared him to do it. But he was a drunken coward. And that's how you're gonna end up if you don't quit feeling so sorry for yourself." Sam slung his hair out of his eyes. "I loved that dog."
Miss Snark's First Victim
You done a great job giving individual voice to each of your characters. I'd watch the modifiers. (one of my big problems) They detract from the sentence flow. For example - "I had to fight my dad off my sister" works great without the modifier behind it. We know that means he wants to rape her. Don't take away from that by explaining it. Great job - I enjoyed reading it :)
ReplyDeleteThis was very well done. The dialogue left me with a great sense of Sam's character. I don't have much of anything to add. I do agree with the previous comment that a few bits could be pruned. "He shot my dog, just to get back at me..." is stronger without the rest of the sentence.
ReplyDeleteSuper-powerful, super-heavy stuff you're creating here! This scene ROCKS, it's already doing all it needs to do, I guess all I can add is that it comes a little TOO easily for Sam to unleash this, perhaps some added tension or conflict that would FORCE him to spill his soul would make it even more powerful when he does.....but you can't do or show EVERYTHING to us in 250 words, so my guess is you're already doing that elsewhere in the narrative.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up, this has an original ring to it, you've got me HOOKED!
I thought the dialogue did a lot here to show us Sam's character. Great job there. It didn't do much for Stevie, although, since she's your MC, she's probably clearly defined by this point in the story.
ReplyDeleteStill, you might add a bit to her lines. How does she feel about what Sam is telling her? Does she feel bad for him? Does she want him to shut up? Does she think her situation is nothing like his? Without a bit of that, I can't tell if she's remorseful, ashamed, angry, hurt, and since it's her story, I think we should know how she feels and what's going on with her.
Coming into a scene without knowing anything about the characters is always a bit strange.
ReplyDeleteSo here's how it struck me. I thought Stevie was a guy, not a girl as indicated by Barbara. I assumed Sam would be an older guy, but I got a real sense he wasn't that much older than Stevie. Am I right? Also, when he starts his 'Let me tell you something' moment, I'd split it and get some reaction from Sam. I know you go to, 'I had no voice to answer', but I'd like to see him/her squirm in the middle of all that.
That was a lot of info dump on the kid, like a lot, and I kind of felt like it was too much. Sorry.
I still think it's an outstanding piece, I just wondered about just how much detail you'd give a kid, 'cause there's a lot of details in there.
Fantastic job just the same and I'd so read on! : )
I am very grateful for these comments and will use them in my next round of edits. Stevie is a guy, but I understand why Barbara thought he was female since he is called Princess and the name is androgynous (most everyone in the story calls him Stephen, which I should have done for you in the setup). This scene comes 140 pages into the book. There's a surprise ahead for Stevie as to who Sam's sister is which is why (for now) I'm giving some specific detail. Stevie is 15, Sam is 35.
ReplyDeleteNice piece of dialog. I feel like I get a sense of the characters - particularly Sam, since he does most of the speaking. I kinda feel that funky vibe that would be in the car during a conversation like this.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting relationship. Good job.
That clarifies the issue I had - I thought Stevie was male but then the princess thing threw ne. Obviously, after reading the rest of the book I would already know the character was a dude.
ReplyDeleteI think Sam's retorts go on too long and would pack more punch if shortened.
For example:
"Yeah," Sam said, "There you go. Get mad. Because I'm normal and you're the freak, right?"
CUT THIS You reiterate in Sam's next line.(You're the one we're all supposed to feel sorry for. Nobody else has problems.")
"Yeah - no," I said. "Of course not."
"Nobody in the world has it as bad as you, do they, Princess?"
"That's not what I'm saying."
CUT(Let me tell you something, Corncob.)
So long as you keep that chip on your shoulder you're gonna be called Vampire Fag and a lot of other stuff that's just as bad, maybe worse.
Maybe shorten to:
"Go ahead, keep that chip on your shoulder but don't whine when they call you names like Vampire Fag."
After this maybe some physical description to break-up the rant. Maybe Sam eyeballs Stevie through the rearview.
Then continue with:
We all got problems.
CUT - Restating what the reader assumes after the previous line. last line. (We all got pain.)
Here I'd combine and cut the fat.
Example:
My momma left me and my sister with my nasty old man because she couldn't deal with his drinking. I understood why she wanted to leave, just not why she couldn't take me with her. I had to fight my drunk daddy off my sister to keep him from raping her. He broke my nose, but I didn't stop till she got away. You know what he did then?"
CHANGE:
You didn't see me crying when my momma left me and my sister with our daddy who's idea of breakfast was orange juice and a pint of vodka.
Maybe here he grips the steering wheel.
"Don't get me wrong. I get why she split. I just don't get why she didn't take us with her."
Here he could look in the mirror again or shake his head or the boy could try to see his eyes in the mirror and notice Sam's eyes have no expression. Whatever - you get the idea.
"The things that man did. The way he put his hands all over my sister - I had to do something. He broke my nose but I stopped him."
For once, I'm at a loss for words.
"I threw a punch or two at the old man but the his revenge was brutal. Can you believe he shot my dog? I wanted him to shoot me - begged him to do it -but he was coward.
Sam slung his hair out of eyes.
Stop acting like a victim. People who feel sorry for themselves end up like daddy - drunk and alone.
Because this is an excerpt, I'd probably know much more when I got to this scene. I was confused about Stevie's gender and the age difference between him/her and Sam.
ReplyDeleteI think the choice of words very effectively conveys the two different characters. My main comment is that Sam's use of different nicknames (which may be explained earlier) and his sudden dump of his family history. Why now? You might break it up a bit and have Stevie prompt him more to draw out his story.
Your last line? When Sam says "I loved that dog." I almost cried. Brief, but packed.
I thought you conveyed emotion very well. I understood that Sam was older because he was Stevie's chauffeur. I paused at the "Princess" comment, coming from Sam, which left me thinking that Stevie is some rich girl. Until Sam continues to call Stevie names, Corncob, Vampire Fag. Now I'm thinking Stevie is gay and troubled from his classmates. Sam continues to spill his own troubles onto Stevie thinking he is helping, but I don't see how Sam's past relates to Stevie? Did Stevie's parents leave? There wasn't any mention of pot smoking? I'm intrigued to learn more about your story. I would read more.
ReplyDeletedefinitely a heavy topic going on, but you handled it well through the dialogue. he's "monologuing" a bit w/the longer paragraph about his dad, so you might want to break that up a bit w/some action.
ReplyDeleteOh, I LOVED this. I can really hear the voice in it. I did get that Stevie was a guy because of the "Vampire Fag" comment. I do fell that that long paragraph where Sam is telling Stevie about his past could be tighten and broken up a bit. Excellent scene! :D
ReplyDeletenice one!
ReplyDeletenot a quibble. kudos!@
Really enjoyed this! You fit a lot of emotion into a small scene.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the comment that you need to break up Sam's speech with action. I think it is much more powerful as it is.