Pages

▼

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #2

TITLE: Drego's Sword
GENRE: young adult fantasy

When a dictator spreads war across his homeland, Drego leaves his village to try to stop him. It's a task that will take him across countries, into the arms of a headstrong young woman, and to a darker, more violent part of himself he hadn't known existed.
at

17 comments:

  1. Ninja GirlOctober 5, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    I love the second sentence and the overall idea. The first sentence though was a bit awkward for me. I think it was the "his homeland," "his village," "him." All those in the same sentence through me off a bit, so I'd maybe consider making the first sentence tighter/snappier. Oh, and I love the name Drego. Great job.
    Ninja Girl

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shakier AnthemOctober 5, 2011 at 11:31 AM

    I agree with Ninja Girl -- really good concept here, but could use a little smoothing out. I like that last part a lot. I think it gives a good sense of what the conflict is: how to stop the dictator without sinking into violence himself. That's a classic theme for good reason.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jamie GreyOctober 5, 2011 at 11:38 AM

    I like the concept, but I think I'm wondering based on this what the stakes are. How will discovering this violent side of him change things? What sorts of problems does it cause? Can you add or flesh out what the consequences of this war will be for him to make it more personal?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Holly BodgerOctober 5, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    This is a great start. The only thing I need to know is why? Why does HE need to stop him? What will HE lose if he doesn't?

    ReplyDelete
  5. BarbaraOctober 5, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    I wondered why a dictator would start a war in his own country, and why Drego feels compelled to stop him. If the dictator is doing a bit of ethnic cleansing, say that. If not, perhaps say who he is warring against. And then tell us why Drego is determinedto stop him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. JoyOctober 5, 2011 at 12:31 PM

    This sounds like an exciting story that I would be interested in reading. I would like it to be a bit more specific though. What is the dictator doing? What are the stakes if Drego fails? Nice start.

    ReplyDelete
  7. DrenOctober 5, 2011 at 12:33 PM

    I think you're stating that a Dictator is spreading war in Drego's homeland-- right? See the confusion? If Drego is protecting HIS homeland from a dictator from another country - you'll need to spell that out a bit more. Something like "When war spreads across his homeland, a farmer named Drego leaves his village to try and stop the evil dictator behind it all....." - ONLY a suggestion to help shake up more ideas for you :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Rebecca HartOctober 5, 2011 at 1:31 PM

    Like this one. Enough to tease me without giving it all away.

    I am curious, however, what are the stakes of he fails? Why does he feel he is the one that must stop the evil dictator?

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownOctober 5, 2011 at 2:46 PM

    Ditto Ms. Hart; sounds fun, would like to know what the stakes are for failure.

    ReplyDelete
  10. CarolynOctober 5, 2011 at 4:02 PM

    Seems too general. What are the stakes? What countries? Why does the ruler start a war in his own country?
    Does he go to the ruler's home? Does he take a weapon? friends? something else?

    ReplyDelete
  11. French LadyOctober 5, 2011 at 4:27 PM

    I have the feeling that something was missing.

    What happens because of the darker more violent side of himself? Does he need to fight it?

    It may not be necessary, but I was wondering what the "fantasy" part was?

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  12. David Barrett DeLozierOctober 5, 2011 at 5:12 PM

    Great title, great name! I think Dren's comment and suggestions are on the money. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Writers' SalonOctober 5, 2011 at 7:22 PM

    The premise sounds really intriguing to me. The inciting incident is in the first part of the sentence which is great. In this logline I wanted a few more specifics. What is the complicating factor?
    I agree with French Lady about being curious about the "fantasy" part.

    ReplyDelete
  14. SujaOctober 5, 2011 at 11:23 PM

    I like your writing. Only question would be, why does he feel the need to be the one to challenge the dictator? Is he bound to? Or is someone close to him going to get hurt?

    ReplyDelete
  15. BronOctober 7, 2011 at 6:00 PM

    You've used the words 'he' and 'him' three times in the first sentence, sometimes referring to Drego and sometimes to the dictator. I had to stop to work out who you were referring to in each case, so I would rewrite this in a way that eliminates this confusion.

    I also think you should be more detailed about how Drego tries to stop the dictator. As your logline stands now, it could mean anything from Drego joining the army as a grunt, to engaging the dictator in hand-to-hand combat with a flaming sword. I think this is the kind of detail that will decide whether or not people want to read further.

    ReplyDelete
  16. justJoanOctober 7, 2011 at 7:17 PM

    I agree that we need more of the stakes on this one. Also the first line needs clarification. It sounds like the homeland belongs to the dictator, not Drego.

    And I need to know what will happen if Drego doesn't stop the dictator and what the dark part of himself will mean to everything.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Write LifeOctober 8, 2011 at 7:17 AM

    The only thing I thought was missing was the stakes. Other than that, I really liked it. So good job. Add that last bit and I think it's a wrap!!!
    : )

    ReplyDelete