TITLE: The Magic Withheld
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
After Justus reluctantly hires a female mage to waitress at his bar, an impossible relationship develops. He wants no entanglements. Sable craves anonymity. Neither will get their wish since Magic – and not only the whizz-bang kind – has its own agenda.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice premise! Lots of opportunity for drama and conflict and perhaps a bit of humour. I'd try to get this into two sentences but otherwise it works to hook me.
ReplyDeleteThis *almost* works for me - it sounds like a fun, quirky UF Romance - I would totally read it. My only thought is that I'm left still wondering what the real story is about? Their relationship? The magic? What actually happens to make this an impossible relationship and how do they resolve it?
ReplyDeleteI'm with Jamie -- not sure what the heart of the story is. There are some spots I think you could contract, and others I think you could expand. What about this as a starting point:
ReplyDelete[Situation] forces Justus to reluctantly hire Sable, a female mage, to waitress at his bar. Neither wants to get involved in a relationship, but Magic has its own agenda, and [something about the conflict their relationship/situation leads to].
This is WAY too vague. "Magic has its own agenda" is not really a conflict. I mean, it implies that it could be, but it needs to be real.
ReplyDeleteAlso, always refer to your character in only one way if possible. I can't actually tell here if the female mage = Sable or is Sable is someone else. It sounds like it is but I have to re-read a few times to get it. I also can't tell if "Magic" is a person or thing. For the purposes of the logline, I think this needs to be more specific. What/who is this antagonistic force and what is he/it going to do to mess them up?
Finally, the goal is a little wishy-washy. It can't be the relationship since you straight out say that he doesn't want one. What does he want then? If it's "no entanglements" as stated here, I would think he could accomplish that without entering this conflict.
Good luck!
Holly
Is this an urban fantasy or solely a romance? I'm also confused about what the conflict of the story is? There must be more to the story than a romance between a barkeep and his waitress. What happens to them? Remember, a logline is a one-two sentence summary of the plot. What happens?
ReplyDeleteThis piqued my curiosity, and I would probably be interested enough to give it a go, but I think it is missing some sort of major plot or conflict -- at least in the logline here. Romance and magic are alluded too, which is great, but I am wondering what the "story" is really about.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that it sounds a big vague. The logline, the way it is written, sounds like a romance novel. If it's not intended to be, it shouldn't be the most prominent thing highlighted.
ReplyDeleteI think the sticking point for me is "an impossible relationship develops." How? Does it mean Justus is attracted to Sable and doesn't want to act on it (in which case that's not really a relationship), or is some magical force pushing them together against their will? If the latter, why?
ReplyDeleteWhat type of magic are you talking about,if not the whizz bang kind? Is it good, evil, mischievous? And will Justus and the witch have to team up to fight it? Make it read as though it's about something specific.
ReplyDeleteMake this more specific. What kind of magic and what kind of havoc does it cause, and what does Justus have to do to save ____________?
ReplyDeleteI follow that Justus can want a relationship without entaglements. Need a consequence, some specific crisis. Got confused about Sable's identity. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteDoes he have something against female mages? What type of Magic is going to force them together? Give us the conflict here.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the idea of a female mage being hired at a bar, the rest of it has left me confused. If Justus doesn't want entanglements, why is he in a relationship? And how does Magic interfere with Sable's desire for anonymity? I think there's a few missing links here. What is the main conflict here and what course of action do the main characters need to take? What are the stakes?
ReplyDeleteThis one confused me. I know there's a great story in here, but I'm not seeing enough of it. I'm assuming Sable is the waitress he hires, but I'm not sure. Maybe just say "she" instead of the name and then we'll know it's the waitress. I'm not sure what the agenda for magic is or how it will play out in their lives.
ReplyDeleteAdd a bit more clarity and I think you're there. =)