TITLE: HALF-HEARTED
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
When Allyson accidentally breathes fire on kidnappers in the mall, she learns that she’s half dragon and trolls are nearly immune to fire. If she can get away from the trolls hunting her, she needs to find the other kidnapping victims and stop the trolls. But the trolls work for a dragon, and he’s the father Allyson’s never known.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this premise is fantastic but the logline can be cleaned up quite a bit. I don't think trolls nearly immune to fire needs to be mentioned. Although I love that she discovers she's half dragon by breathing fire in a mall, I think the main conflict needs to be addressed instead. Very original story idea, good job.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting idea (love the bit about the mall) but it seems a little muddled toward the end. Also, there's no indication here of what the stakes are if she doesn't find the other kidnapping victims or if she gets caught and taken to her father. If I were writing this, I might try something like this:
ReplyDeleteAllyson learns that she’s half dragon when she accidentally breathes fire on kidnappers in the mall. Now she needs to dodge the trolls hunting her and save the other kidnapping victims or [CONSEQUENCES].
This is interesting but I'm a little confused by a few things, starting with the trolls and other victims. The first sentence doesn't tell me if she's been kidnapped and who the kidnappers are. I'm assuming they're the trolls but it is an assumption. I would rather be forthrightly told she's been kidnapped by trolls. Also, there's the matter of the trolls hunting her. If she's been kidnapped, isn't she already in their custody? In the final sentence, her father is referenced as someone she's never known. Again, we assume she discovers the relationship and again I'd like to be told that outright.
ReplyDeleteStill, the premise is great and once the logline is worked on a bit, I think you'll have a super pitch.
Good luck!
This sounds like a fun rip-roaring read - and it's in a mall! I commend foxfyr for her suggestions of revisions for you.
ReplyDeleteIn addition, I would lean heavily towards not disclosing the identiy of Allyson's father - ellude to a surprise connection between her and the trolls employer, but don't bang us over the head with a Luke Skywalker ta da in the description, that's what the joy of reading is all about.
What a terrific premise! I like the fact that it is a girl dragon too! I know a few readers in this age range who are hungry for more dragons. The previous commenters couldn't have said it better in terms of perfecting your logline. Tidy it up a bit and I think you have yourself a gem!
ReplyDelete1. You need to tell us that the kidnappers are trolls right from the start. When I read this, I couldn't see this connection at first.
ReplyDelete2. Does she know there are trolls in her world but not dragons? Does she have other characteristics of a dragon or is it just the fire breathing? As written, this sounds like a big surprise to her but I would think it wouldn't be.
3. "stop the trolls" is a bit vague. What does she want? To escape from the mall and take everyone else with her? Or does she need to kill the trolls or something else? And what is she stopping them from doing? If they have already kidnapped everyone, do they plan to keep them forever? Kill them?
4. Your final line about the father is only effective if her goal is connected to wanting a father in the beginning. Otherwise, we can't see why this is a difficult choice for her.
5. If her father is in charge, isn't this a good thing? Can't she just ask him to stop the trolls and be done with it?
Good luck!
Holly
I agree that this should be cleaned up some. I'd like to know in the first sentence that the kidnappers are trolls if you're going to mention that trolls are immune to fire, and I don't know if you need the second sentence at all. Maybe find a way to include "hunted by trolls" in the first sentence and then skip right to the sentence about the father, and include some consequences.
ReplyDeleteThis had a great premise, and a nice hint at inner conflict. I think if you can get it a little shorter, you've struck gold.
ReplyDeleteThe first part of the first line made me LOL (which is a good sign). Fantastic premise! I agree with the others that the logline could be cleared up a little. Right now it looks like the structure is a little jumbled.
ReplyDeleteTry: "When Allyson accidentally breathes fire on the people who try to kidnap her at the mall, she learns that: a.) she's half-dragon and b.) her kidnappers are really trolls that are practically immune to fire" for the first line. For the rest of the logline, I'd suggest simplifying the sentences and try taking out the info that you might not necessarily need.
I LOVE it that the trolls work for her father, though. It's twists like those that will capture the interest of your reader.
WOW! I love the premise and the way she finds out she's a dragon :) Fox has a great start for you but you may want to tweak it based on the consequences. Great start though! I'd pick this up to read :)
ReplyDeleteGood, but I think if it was more concise it would be even better. It feels like you say 'trolls' too much in it, try to condense it in a way that you don't have to repeat the word.
ReplyDelete