TITLE: Return to the Mountains
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade Fiction
When lynx are reintroduced into 11-year old Kate McAllister’s remote Colorado valley, she readily adopts the mind-set of her parents, and older brother, Tyler: the lynx don't belong and must be killed. But after Kate discovers a young lynx family on their ranch she’s drawn back to the woods each evening to watch them and her attitude toward the lynx begins to change. She keeps the lynx a secret throughout the summer until events force her to protect the family she feels she knows better than her own.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is great in that we know how old Kate is and where she lives. I think you can shorten "her parents, and older brother, Tyler" to "her family".
ReplyDeleteThen tighten the rest to something like: However, she is drawn to a young lynx family and after a summer of secretly watching them, she must _____
Fill in the blank. This sounds like something my kids would enjoy.
Get rid of "her parents, and older brother, Tyler" and just say "family". The last line is confusing me. Is is the lynx family or her own family she's trying to protect? It needs to be clarified. Sounds like a heart-warming MG story, great job.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea for this story puting Kate's lynx family in contrast to her human family. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments about family and would add that the word lynx is used repeatedly. Can you substitute "young pups" or whatever terminology goes along with young lynx without having to use the word lynx again? As well, I would include a prior reference to how she is growing closer to her new family and further from her human family to set up the last sentance dilema for Kate ie: is one of the pups hurt and she nurses it back to health, and her heart softens towards them as a species? Has their mother been shot by Kate's family and she is put in the position to raise them herself thereby developing love for them that surpasses her human family's incapacity to show love? Just to give us an idea of how Kate's viewpoint changes from your first sentance set up to your last sentance conflict for resolution.
I like this, but I think you can condense the early sentences. Lynx are reintroduced; although she's initially opposed to their presence, she's drawn back. In the last sentence, we just need to have some idea what circumstances are forcing her hand.
ReplyDeleteI also like the juxtaposition of the families.
I really like the protecting/environmental elements. I could see this subject working really well with middle grade teacher cirriculumn. I'd follow wiht the comments above about making it more concise. Great job and great title!
ReplyDelete1. I'm a little confused by the motivation. Who reintroduces them and why would her family decide to kill them?
ReplyDelete2. Is she protecting one lynx or a family of lynx? I can't tell.
3. This ends with what sounds like an inciting incident. Is her goal in the novel to protect them or to kill them? If it's to protect them, you need to get this before you end your first act. You also need to tell us what she needs to do in order to do so and why it is hard.
4. Words like "events" are always vague. Tell us what actually happens.
Good luck!
Holly
Seems long with unnecessary words, yet is missing clarity. See Holly's comments...
ReplyDeleteThe environmental aspect is core, isn't it, so focus on that.
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ReplyDeleteI think this is a unique and fresh premise! However, I believe you can shorten the first few sentences and instead give us a little more detail about what events force her to make the choice she does.
ReplyDeleteI really loved it, and think it'll make an excellent MG book. Good job.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a book my ten-year-old daughter would love to read. Agree with earlier comment about fixing first sentence and just saying "her family". I too would like to know what events force her to protect the "lynx" family but don't necessarily have to add it to your logline. This is what hooks you and makes you want to buy the book to find out the events.
ReplyDelete