TITLE: Dead Like Me
GENRE: Mystery
Detective Kate Springer catches the case of troubled teen Kimberly Callahan who’s been strangled and dumped in a remote part of Tampa. A twist in the investigation brings the detective face to face with her childhood abuser—the same man Kimberly cleaned house for. Now Detective Springer must decide whether to keep her past a secret or reveal everything hoping it will bring her closer to catching the Callahan killer.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The first thing that jumped out at me was the two K names. Readers get confused with too many similar names. You might consider changing one of them even though Kimberly is dead.
ReplyDeleteIs the abuser a suspect? I'm not sure why Kate revealing anything about him or her past would have anything to do with the case--unless he's a suspect. And even then, how would revealing her past bring her closer to catching the killer?
This is a great premise and creates a motive beyond just solving a case for your MC. It could be tightened up a bit and I agree with Charity about the names. While I am not sure about her having to reveal her past, it makes for a great conflict. Good hook!
ReplyDeleteI'm a sucker for this kind of mystery in general and particularly when twists and turns are in the offing. The reference to the childhood abuser intrigues me and I can see all kinds of possibilities in the story. A couple of suggestions. You could delete the cleaned house clause. I don't think it does anything for the story and, in fact, is a distraction. The other possibility would be to shorten the end of your final sentence by changing "hoping it will bring her closer to catching" to "to catch the Callahan killer."
ReplyDeleteThis book sounds rich with inner character conflict. Good job mentioning the twist, but I agree the entire phrase about cleaning his house could go.
ReplyDeleteMy only other suggestion would be to spell it out a bit more clearly that revealing her abusive past with this guy links him to MORE information on the killer (rather than just hoping). Otherwise, why is there a need for her to come clean?
Sounds like a fun story, but I got a little lost in the middle, and probably for the same reasons stated as above. The two K names and how they come together was a little tough on a quick read. Also, the part about "the same man..." could probably be cut or reshaped as it threw off the rhythm of the logline (but that just might be me).
ReplyDelete"Dead Like Me" is a television show, I think.
ReplyDeleteI'm not totally convinced by the main conflict. What's the worst that could happen if Kate reveals her past? How is it worse than potentially letting a killer get away?
I had to read it twice because of the K names (I thought it was your MC who cleaned the house at first). Otherwise, I think it has an interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't think you even need Kimberly. What if it were something like this?
ReplyDelete"When Detective Kate Springer catches the case of a teen who’s been strangled and dumped in a remote part of Tampa, a twist in the investigation brings the detective face to face with her childhood abuser. Now Detective Springer must decide whether to keep her past a secret or reveal everything hoping it will bring her closer to catching the killer."
This is pretty good. I'd re-word the beginning to something like, "When Detective Kate Springer is assigned the murder case for a troubled teen, the investigation brings her face to face with the man who abused her as a child." After that, we need a sense of the antagonist. Is the killer trying to scare her into staying quiet or is this story about her own fear to speak? If the latter, how does she struggle with it and why does she think she needs to reveal it in order to solve the case?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I had to reread most everything twice to understand because of the similar names and overly long sentences. I agree that omitting the name of the teen would help. I think the last sentence could be shortened to, "Now Detective Springer must decide whether to reveal her past in order to catch the Callahan killer." And on second thought, I might just say "Kate" in that last sentence. You've already established she's a detective in sentence one, and I'd like the logline to feel more personal by the end. Good luck!
ReplyDelete