TITLE: We Happy Few
GENRE: Adult Fiction
With their cross-country train stranded during the height of WWII, a lonely war wife falls for a by-the-book army sergeant and makes the same mistake her overbearing mother made that tore her family apart.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This gives a good sense of what to expect--war tension and conflict, love/affair perhaps, self discovery and acceptance of past will probably play a part as well. Great job!
ReplyDeleteMy only thought is since this wasn't restricted to one sentence, you might want to break this into two?
Your plot sounds wonderfully mysterious with promise of good character soul-searching, but I suggest your reference to romantic tension be given a positive spin.
ReplyDeleteIf she's going to ruin her family, she might as well have some good times to start with! Something that plays up how he's a bright light in a lonely, dark time or he makes her feel protected while the world goes to heck in a handbasket around her. She knows she doing wrong based upon her mother's decisions, but she can't not do the same. Sorry, I've rambled here but I do love a good romance!
My humble opinion: You had me until "the same mistake her overbearing mother made." This switches the subject from your MC to her mother, and though in a query that wouldn't seem like an issue to me, you have one sentence. I'd rather feel zoomed in on the MC and the choices she makes rather than having them compared to others'. And, that said, I have no sense of what type of mistake this is. It's on the 'intriguing' side of vague, but I'd still rather have a concrete concept of what type of conflict to expect.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Stranded trains always set up a story well and you had me right away. I would like a little more information, though. I assume there's something else going on with the wife than just being lonely. And, I, too, would like to know more about the mistake that her mother made. Also not quite sure what the by-the-book reference means. Usually that's used in terms of someone's work, I think, not his love life.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise. Would definitely read this book.
Good luck!
I like the premise, too, but must echo most of what's been said above. The fact that she makes the same mistake her mother did doesn't leave us much question room; it feels like you've told us the whole story, including the ending. Is there more that follows, or does she really just do the same thing her mother did, i.e. tear her family apart?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like the stranded train but I wanted to know why. I'm thinking snowbound, b/c otherwise surely they could all hike to the nearest town, right? Might give us a greater sense of setting. Then again, that might be too much. Just thinking with my fingers here.
I'm not sure what to think. Is there enough information given? Do we need to know what the mistake was?
ReplyDeleteI'm left wanting something more. Is that good? Maybe there could be just a few more specifics.
It is concise.
Maybe it is just right. I'm not sure.
I too was torn between saying 'just right' and wishing I knew more. I would definitely want to know how her mother's mistake is going to affect her current situation.
ReplyDeleteLonely and by-the-book are pretty general descriptions - you might find more powerful words to help us connect with the characters. Otherwise, I hesitate to be sympathetic to the army wife.
I would certainly pick this one up.
The "With their..." part needs to be written like an inciting incident showing us where the story starts (ie, When their cross-country train breaks own in blah...). Next tell usd what this makes the wife do. Is she scared? Angry at her husband? Something must make her turn to the sergeant. After that, we need to see some kind of goal. Women's fiction is usually more inner arc centric so this can be what you said about not turning into her mother, but if it is, you need to establish this first. So, "WIFE is determined not to make the same mistakes her mother made but when her train breaks down..." Finally, we probably need more information about why this is such a struggle for her. For example, did her mother cheat on her father and that made her promise she'd never do the same even though she's married to an ass?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
This sounds like an interesting premise but I don't see what the MC's goal is.
ReplyDeleteI can see the consequenses of her actions, but what is she trying to accomplish, and what is preventing her from doing so?
Other than that, I think this sounds good. Nice start! :)
I have to agree with what Holly said above, I think the "mother's mistake" thing may be approached from the wrong angle here.
ReplyDeleteIf you set it up instead as an internal struggle--she's trying to avoid making the mistake her mother made--then it stays focused on the main character rather than feeling like we've suddenly switched to reading about her mother.
Then maybe a second sentence, as suggested above, giving a little more info on why this is even an issue. Is her husband a jerk? Did she swear never to cheat because of her bad experience as a child?
Just for example:
"When a lonely war wife is stranded on a cross-country train during the height of WWII, she falls for a by-the-book army sergeant against her better judgment. Though she doesn't love her overbearing husband, she swore never to repeat the mistakes that tore her family apart as a child."
I was thinking the same as Holly, where exactly is this stranded train?
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the "by-the-book" description either. Overall, though, I was definitely intrigued to want to read more.
Good luck!
MaDonna
I like it as is except instead of "makes the same mistake" I'd recommend "risks making the same mistake." Otherwise you've already told us what happens.
ReplyDeleteWithout reading anyone else's comment, I'd say that this caught my eye. My only thing is the "makes the same mistake her overbearing mother made that tore her family apart." It's a little vague and it takes me away from the main characters. Maybe you could state the "mistake" in some way and why it's bad.
ReplyDeleteI love WWII stories and the circumstances sound intriguing! Good luck with this!