I have a really hard time with dialogue in the first line. It's too hard to feel the meaning when we don't know who is talking or, for that matter, who is in the book or what it is even about.
No. This snippet of dialogue seems way over-the-top dramatic. Now, maybe your character is someone who is overly dramatic, but without any context, I don't know that so it just seems like poorly written dialogue--especially with the multiple ellipses.
No. Not a big fan of starting with dialogue. We don't know if it's the MC or someone else talking. But I think the major reason for the no is the flow of the speech itself is a bit fiddly for an opening line. And agreed, too melodramatic right off the bat.
Yes. I want to know if this being will fade into nothingness if s/he doesn't get attention. I think I would have a good expectation of this being the case from reading a back cover blurb. If that wasn't the case, then nah, maybe I wouldn't have been as intrigues.
No. I'm sorry, but the ellipses are very distracting, and not really grammatically correct. And this doesn't make me like this character starting out. I can guess the type of character development you're going for between the title and the line, but perhaps make the character more likeable while you show their desire for celebrity (if I'm right in understanding that).
Very dramatic, forcing the reader to make a big emotional investment from the beginning. We don't want to do that. We want you to establish something for us to invest in first.
No. I'm not opposed to dialogue as a beginning but this just doesn't quite do it. Ellipses usually mean something has been removed from a sentence. I don't think there is anything missing here. Possibly take out "I don't want attention". As a sentence, I need attention or else I'll die, works for me. And it wouldn't have to be dialogue.
No. Not a fan of starting with dialogue--no idea who's talking or why they're saying what they're saying. A line of setup before jumping into this would do wonders. Good luck!
No. I don't love the ellipses and I can't tell if the speaker is being over-dramatic (which would turn me off) or sarcastic (which I could get behind).
I have no problem with dialog as the first line, but this doesn't provide any context. I don't know who's talking or where we are or what's going on. It's shockingly dramatic. It sounds very YA, but in it's most irritating form.
The punctuation isn't doing what it should. Ellipses in dialog indicate a trailing off or hesistation. That doesn't match up with the sentiment here.
It would be interesting to know whether there's a legitimate reason the speaker will die without attention.
No. Sounds like something I've heard before. I do like that you're setting up the horror aspect here in a bit of an ironic way, but maybe the sentence could be tweaked a little to feel more fresh?
No. Even though the title seems to be some play on "celebrity", and this could be some spoiled celebrity talking, it mostly just makes me want to slap whoever it is talking and that isn't a great way to start.
Yes. I'm willing to believe the melodrama is deliberate, and would love to see the speaker get their come-uppance. Well done for creating a thoroughly unsympathetic character with just one line. I'm wondering if you base her(?) on a Kardashian.
No. I'm okay with dialogue for the first sentence, so that doesn't bother me. But this seems to me like it's bordering the ridiculous. I can't imagine anyone saying that.
No. There isn't context yet for what's happening. Whatever happens to elicit this reaction should come first. Also, the elipses are distracting; it was probably added to stress tension but it drags out the opening, and that's not what you want!
No. As with others, makes me think whiney brat and that's my least favorite kind of protag. (with exceptions, as it has been pulled off well before, but rare)
No. Opening with dialog is dicey. This line is so over the top it's off-putting. Probably used later, when we know the character who says it, it could be effective, but used as the opening of the book it justs makes me go, "Oh, please. Dramatic much?"
No. Starting with a line of dialogue is a risk, because we don't know who is speaking or setting or anything. You have to do it really well, and this was way too melodramatic for my taste. It sounds too self-aware for someone who was this fixated on needing attention and thus not authentic.
No. Too over the top without giving us any context and information about the character. Is this statement really true or is he/she being overly dramatic? I also found the ellipses distracting.
I don't know if the speaker is the MC or not, but it isn't a character I want to spend any more time with. Also, the ellipses feel like cheating. Without them, this would be at least two, maybe even three, sentences.
No.
ReplyDeleteI have a really hard time with dialogue in the first line. It's too hard to feel the meaning when we don't know who is talking or, for that matter, who is in the book or what it is even about.
No. While it certainly gets across the melodrama associated with teen voice, I'm not grabbed.
ReplyDeleteNo. This snippet of dialogue seems way over-the-top dramatic. Now, maybe your character is someone who is overly dramatic, but without any context, I don't know that so it just seems like poorly written dialogue--especially with the multiple ellipses.
ReplyDeleteNo. A bit over the top for me even though I realize its teen angst. Need a bit of context to be drawn in on this.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree that without context, this just feels like too much.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not a big fan of starting with dialogue. We don't know if it's the MC or someone else talking. But I think the major reason for the no is the flow of the speech itself is a bit fiddly for an opening line. And agreed, too melodramatic right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteNo. This is just too melodramatic without context.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteImmediately turned off by the self-absorption of the narrator.
No. Starting a book out like a whiny child is a quick way to get me to stop reading.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteToo over-dramatic and starting off with the use of ellipses turns me off.
Yes, why is attention needed? Death or need. interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo. Starting with dialogue is rarely a good idea, and from this one line I feel the MC is a little overdramatic.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI hate ellipses. And it sounds like a stompy, pouty teenager. Over dramatic. One I wouldn't want to read about. :(
No. Too over the top with drama.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm ready to call the punctuation police after that and I just have a hard time getting into a first page when it starts with dialog.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI want to know if this being will fade into nothingness if s/he doesn't get attention. I think I would have a good expectation of this being the case from reading a back cover blurb. If that wasn't the case, then nah, maybe I wouldn't have been as intrigues.
No, it just seems kind of whiny and it doesn't tell me much.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm sorry, but the ellipses are very distracting, and not really grammatically correct. And this doesn't make me like this character starting out. I can guess the type of character development you're going for between the title and the line, but perhaps make the character more likeable while you show their desire for celebrity (if I'm right in understanding that).
ReplyDeleteNo. I know the inherent irony is supposed to be funny, but I rolled my eyes. Which isn't the reaction you usually want on page one.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteVery dramatic, forcing the reader to make a big emotional investment from the beginning. We don't want to do that. We want you to establish something for us to invest in first.
No. I'm not opposed to dialogue as a beginning but this just doesn't quite do it. Ellipses usually mean something has been removed from a sentence. I don't think there is anything missing here. Possibly take out "I don't want attention". As a sentence, I need attention or else I'll die, works for me. And it wouldn't have to be dialogue.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteAssuming this is the MC, the voice is too whiny and melodramatic for me.
No... ellipses in the first line are annoying, and the voice just doesn't strike me as likeable.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe MC doesn't come across as likeable.
No. Once you've established your MC and tone of the piece, this might work, but not as an opening line.
ReplyDeleteNo. It sounds overly dramatic.
ReplyDeleteNo. Unfortunately, a little too melodramatic for me to want to follow this character into the story.
ReplyDeleteNo- it feels melodramtic not real. Focus on the reason, then I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like to find a character to sympathize with right off the bat, and this line just doesn't earn my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't believe the dialogue. I'm not sure anybody would actually say this.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not a fan of starting with dialogue--no idea who's talking or why they're saying what they're saying. A line of setup before jumping into this would do wonders. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't love the ellipses and I can't tell if the speaker is being over-dramatic (which would turn me off) or sarcastic (which I could get behind).
ReplyDeleteYes. I would read a bit more to see if the character was self-absorbed, or if there was another reason for the drama.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not grounded at all, and I worry that this is the mc speaking, and I already don't like her/him.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't really like dialogue as an opener and since I don't know the character, I don't really care if they'll die of lack of attention.
ReplyDeleteNo, for the reasons others have mentioned: unattributed dialogue in the first line, overly dramatic with no sense of stakes.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't like dialogue as an opener...and if the rules must be broken, it has to be excellent.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. There needs to be a set-up of some sort before launching into the dialog. Even one line to bring us in would work:
ReplyDeleteJordan leaned against his locker, his breath coming in short gasps.
"I don't want attention...I need attention...or else I'll die!"
His best friend Mark stared at him. "What the he11 is the matter with you today?"
No.
ReplyDeleteI have no problem with dialog as the first line, but this doesn't provide any context. I don't know who's talking or where we are or what's going on. It's shockingly dramatic. It sounds very YA, but in it's most irritating form.
The punctuation isn't doing what it should. Ellipses in dialog indicate a trailing off or hesistation. That doesn't match up with the sentiment here.
It would be interesting to know whether there's a legitimate reason the speaker will die without attention.
No. Sounds like something I've heard before. I do like that you're setting up the horror aspect here in a bit of an ironic way, but maybe the sentence could be tweaked a little to feel more fresh?
ReplyDeleteNo, sounds too melodramatic. Although, I wonder if that's what you're going for!
ReplyDeleteNo. Even though the title seems to be some play on "celebrity", and this could be some spoiled celebrity talking, it mostly just makes me want to slap whoever it is talking and that isn't a great way to start.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm sorry, but this seems so immature. (I agree with Wen -- I kind of want to slap your character right now.)
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm willing to believe the melodrama is deliberate, and would love to see the speaker get their come-uppance. Well done for creating a thoroughly unsympathetic character with just one line. I'm wondering if you base her(?) on a Kardashian.
ReplyDeleteNo. I cringe at dialogue in first lines generally, and this one isn't compelling enough to break the rule.
ReplyDeleteNo. Unrealistically overdramatic.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much drama without context. Would put this back on the shelf.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm okay with dialogue for the first sentence, so that doesn't bother me. But this seems to me like it's bordering the ridiculous. I can't imagine anyone saying that.
ReplyDeleteNo. Dramatic beginning
ReplyDeleteNo. Seems overly dramatic. (I don't have a problem with dialogue as first line, however.)
ReplyDeleteNo. There isn't context yet for what's happening. Whatever happens to elicit this reaction should come first. Also, the elipses are distracting; it was probably added to stress tension but it drags out the opening, and that's not what you want!
ReplyDeleteNo. As with others, makes me think whiney brat and that's my least favorite kind of protag. (with exceptions, as it has been pulled off well before, but rare)
ReplyDeleteNo. Too melodramatic for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Opening with dialog is dicey. This line is so over the top it's off-putting. Probably used later, when we know the character who says it, it could be effective, but used as the opening of the book it justs makes me go, "Oh, please. Dramatic much?"
ReplyDeleteNo. No idea who is talking or why.
ReplyDeleteNo. Starting with a line of dialogue is a risk, because we don't know who is speaking or setting or anything. You have to do it really well, and this was way too melodramatic for my taste. It sounds too self-aware for someone who was this fixated on needing attention and thus not authentic.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too over the top without giving us any context and information about the character. Is this statement really true or is he/she being overly dramatic? I also found the ellipses distracting.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if the speaker is the MC or not, but it isn't a character I want to spend any more time with. Also, the ellipses feel like cheating. Without them, this would be at least two, maybe even three, sentences.
No. Too melodramatic. The only way this would work if the statement is literal, but even then there are better ways to start a novel.
ReplyDelete