TITLE: Le Petite Mort and the Heart Table (WIP)
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Dede was fairly certain that, as Death's apprentice, she never should have even been short listed for the next Goddess of Love opening. Let alone installed in the position. She shuddered at the thought of having to tell Death the news.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes - I like the humor in the third sentence!
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the world that's being set up here, I still think the first line could be cleaned up a bit (too wordy).
No. It's the first line for me, too wordy. And "installed" seems so starchy. Selected, maybe. Drafted.
ReplyDeleteThe last line is actually the best and I think I'd start with this one. It would make an interesting first line, expanded a bit.
I really like the third line. The second one feels like it should be part of the first sentence which I think you could tighten slightly.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Yes - the premise here is to good to pass up!
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI see potential and like the voice. Good luck.
I'm going with a yes, but it does need to be cleaned up.
ReplyDeleteMaybe instead of saying that Dede was certain, just say it. If this is her POV, it is a given that this is her position.
Just because I like messing with other people's stuff:
"Dede should have never been on the list for the next Goddess of Love opening. She was Death's apprentice, for crying out loud."
Then jump right into the scene where she finds out she got the position. Stop telling and start showing. Come to think of it, telling would probably be better than my rewrite. Just show the scene. ;)
Very cool concept.
Yes, I really like the premise and voice here.
ReplyDeleteYes, I like the premise, but i agree it needs some tightening up.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I got a pretty good laugh at the title. I'm sure you already know that La Petite Mort is french slang (sorry I missed the first round, so maybe someone's already pointed this out, and I'm sorry if they have). But if you don't, please look it up.
yes. This is cool, and the concept works for me. However, the second line bothers me. Incomplete sentences can work in certain contexts, but I don't think it's effective here. It just feels like bad grammar, rather than a stylistic effect. And that's not a feeling you want to give an agent or a reader. Other than that, good job!
ReplyDeleteYes- I have to disagree with pretty much every one, but then I write like this too. I like that the first sentence is a little round about. I like the voice the humor and concept. The only thing I would change is take out the 'even' in the first line and connect line 1 and 2 by a dash or a semi colon or something. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sorry! The first line really bothers me. I want it to be "she shouldn't have been." The rest is intriguing but that one line makes me worry about the rest of the MS.
ReplyDeleteYes. The last line sets up the conflict quite well. Though I agree that the second line should be part of the first line.
ReplyDeleteYes! Love this. You can trim your first line by using "should've" in place of "should have even been" and it will clean up the wordiness nicely. Love the voice in this. Love the instant conflict. Love.
ReplyDeleteYes. It could probably be tightened up, but it makes me want to read more and that's the main thing. (Seriously, who wounldn't want to read more?) :)
ReplyDeleteYes - I'm intrigued by the concept of death having an apprentice. I agree with other suggestions for tightening the first line, and perhaps ditching the second. You're off to a good start.
ReplyDeleteI still love this one. I chuckled out loud when I read the last line. I strongly disagree with those who say this should be tightened or want to change the voice. It's great as it is.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence about this one.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept, but I'm not getting much about how Dede feels about getting the job, only abuot how Death might respond.
Maybe? I didn't see this one first time around. I do like the third line and the concept of Death's Apprentice, but the first seems off to me. This is really picky, I know, but I'd say :shoud've been" and "Love Goddess" just to lighten the formality of the wording for what sounds as if it's suppose to be a humorous story.
ReplyDeleteYes. Original concept. I like the humor.
ReplyDeleteStill yessing on this one!The funny thing is that while so many think the first sentence is too wordy, I think it should be longer. I agree with changing "should have", but I would add the second sentence onto it, as it feels like it's still part of her initial thought, and start a new paragraph with the next sentence, as it sounds like she's on a new thought. But that's just me. The main thing is I love the idea and this sounds like it's going to be fun!
ReplyDelete"Dede was fairly certain that, as Death's apprentice, she never should've been short listed for the next Goddess of Love opening, let alone installed in the position.
She shuddered at the thought of having to tell Death the news."