TITLE: Aligned
GENRE: Literary Fiction
I almost married Christopher Bailey. I loved him: his inability to whistle yet refusal to stop trying, a propensity to hiccup while inebriated, and the ease with which he could rattle off everything there was to know about Cal Ripken, Jr. It should have been no surprise to me that he proposed at a baseball game, in front of thousands of people with the two of us looking like imposters of ourselves on the big screen, but I never saw it coming.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes
ReplyDeleteI like the world that's set up here already. You give a great characterization to Christopher with this and you already give a good glimpse at the narrator with just touches of who she is and how she sees the world.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the first line, but paired with the next two, it really works. The personal details help liven this up. And the line 'like imposters of ourselves on the big screen' made me smile.
It doesn't read as Literary Fiction yet, though. Sounds chick lit or women's fiction. To me.
I think this is fine. I have to agree that it doesn't sound literary although it's hard to gauge that from three lines.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I'm already a little in love with Christopher myself. Good job and good luck.
Yes
ReplyDeleteA very nice characterization of C.B. and scene-setting in very few words. It reads very naturally and gives me confidence that what was to come later would be worth reading.
Yes. I didn't like the first line on its own but the next two really give it that voice.
ReplyDeleteYes - Good voice.
ReplyDeleteYes,
ReplyDeleteEven though this isn't a genre I usually like, I'm really curious to know what comes next. That's an indication of an excellent voice.
Yes, although I found line 2 a little wordy. I'm curious about what comes next.
ReplyDeleteYES. The juxtaposition of the "almost" with everything else in these lines really worked for me. I agree that it could still be tightened somewhat. As others said, this doesn't feel literary right now, but of course that's hard to tell, given no other context.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love all the little details about Christopher. It is those things that only someone very close to him would take note of, which makes me more curious as to why she didn't marry him.
ReplyDeleteYes. I think I actually said no to the original First Line, but it's amazing how seeing the two lines that follow can change an opinion. I think this goes to show that you can't really put so much weight on just the first line alone.
ReplyDeleteOut of all the winners who made it to this round, this is the only one that truly grabs me. I love the "looking like imposters of ourselves on the big screen." I feel like I'm more in the narrator's head than in any of the others.
And while I'm not expert on literary fiction, I don't think you can tell from three lines. I just went and picked up one of my favourites from the shelf (NEVER LET ME GO by Kazuo Ishiguro), which I believe is literary fiction, and the first 3 lines alone don't seem to have the "tone" that I imagine most people refer to as literary fiction. But they speak to me and grab me, just like this. Well done!
(p.s. I apologise if this shows up twice. Having trouble posting with OpenID).
Yes. I'm immediately drawn into the story. I felt that the third sentence could use some trimming, but this entire entry shows talent and a solid understanding of your craft. Good job.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteYes - Lines 2 & 3 support the opener in a natural way. There's a lot of context given here that works to set the tone for the story.
ReplyDeleteYes. Wonderful. You portrayed Christopher and the protag's relationship so well in those few lines. Well done!
ReplyDeleteYes, but...
ReplyDeleteBut I feel like the third line comes too soon, like there should be a little more about his quirks, etc., before we get to the part about the proposal.
I like the first line and the start of the second but the "propensity to hiccup" phrase broke the flow of sentence. I guess I'm the only one but I think it needs a his: his propensity to... I know that seems picky but it made me pause and that pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteYes, even though it was a no first time. One thing that does bother me (although it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else), is that we already know what has happened with this relationship--she almost married him. I don't feel invested in a story where we already know the outcome. It makes the rest feel a bit like backstory. But I DID love the details about Christopher and that's what would keep me reading a bit further.
ReplyDeleteYes, the voice, the characterization, all of it makes me want to read on. Considering her "propensity to hiccup," I would assume she'd be excited he proposed--on the big screen or not. Instead, something more is going on here, which piques my interest.
ReplyDeleteYes. There is a smart, tight literary flow that works with this paragraph. Very visual and the background has inherent conflict. Let's see the next paragraph (smile).
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Good call, girl- I wouldn't marry him either if he proposed on the big screen at a baseball game.Good job of setting up his character- I feel like I know him (and still wouldn't marry him). And it leaves me wanting to read on.
ReplyDelete