TITLE: Heat Rising (WIP)
GENRE: Adult Paranormal Romance
Watching seagulls peck the gooey remnants of a dead man’s eyes wasn’t Jayda Swenson’s idea of a good way to start the day. She studied the body from the ambulance window, trying to gauge if his spirit was still hanging around. Jayda already felt drained from the mischievous little girl spirit that fed from her; taking on another newly departed was out of the question.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's too much jammed into the first 3 sentences. We've got Jayda (who sounds like she's an EMT?), a dead man whose spirit may or may not be hanging around, and a little girl spirit that feeds on Jayda in some way. Maybe space it out a little more?
I like this one a lot better now that we have two more sentences. I'm a little confused as to why the paramedics are letting a seagull eat a man's eyes (you might need to explain this if you don't do it later).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
No.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot right off the bat and I think maybe a bit more about why she is there or who she is would be nice. If she is in the ambulance is she paramedic? Or did she stumble upon the body? "was his spirit still hanging around" - So, it was hanging around before? It's sort of confusing.
I'm on the fence here, so since I don't have to vote, I'm going to say maybe. I'm still confused about the dead man's eyes thing, and coupled with the rest of this passage, the voice reads sort of drained and dead. That seems to fit with the character's mood, but it just makes me depressed and drained. Take that how you will.
ReplyDeleteYes, but barely. I like the first two lines but the third one adds in too much information. I know what you're setting up here but paranormals are tricky. You want to get the worldbuilding out there right away but not so much at one time that it confuses the reader. This is teetering on that edge.
ReplyDeleteNo
ReplyDeleteI loved the first sentence but the second disconnected me...why is she in an ambulance, why did the little girl feed off her?
Hey, the first line changed from the first round! Where'd "gooey" go?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I'll have to vote no here. I was confused by line 3.
No - I'm sorry, but I'm just feeling confused. Might be better to hold off on the paranormal element for a tiny bit longer. Good example of this is White Cat by Holly Black. You're reading along the first pages, just getting invested in the character then she'll toss in a tiny detail that leaves you intrigued. Curse? Gloves?
ReplyDeleteYes! Again, I love this type of story. Love that a spirit has already fed from her, makes me wonder what that's all about. And I'm left wanting more. Don't know about the "ambulance." If the guy's already dead, I kinda think it should be something more along the lines of a coroner's van or something. I wish I had a full query letter so I could know the entire summary of what this story's about :)
ReplyDeleteNinja Girl
Lose the word 'gooey'.
ReplyDeleteSome readers (like me) will deseret you if you mention spirits this early, so I'd introduce them a bit later.
No. It's a very intriguing first sentence, but then you lost me a bit. Why is she in the ambulance? If she's an EMT, she wouldn't be hanging back. If she isn't, then we need to understand why she's there because we make the assumption she's one of the paramedics called to the scene. The third sentence feels like heavy-handed info dump when you have the opportunity instead to show what it looks like to search for a remaining spirit. And then show the little girl's spirit haunting her and taking its toll. AFTER you've showed us that, you can say "taking on another newly departed was out of the question" because we will then have enough information (and empathy for Jayda) to agree with you.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I said 'no' on the first round. The second sentence popped for me and completely changed my perspective.
I'm torn on this, too. My guess is Jayda witnessed this crime/murder and she's being treated for medical injuries. An added bit about a bandaged arm in reference to whatever happened that led to a dead body would clarify the ambulance questions. You could still work in the line about the spirit, maybe something about how even spirits could be physically dangerous, giving us a glimpse of the paranormal aspect.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with editing - first lines are so challenging.
No. I didn't like the opening line, and it wasn't saved by the next two lines - too much telling. The only thing to pique my interest was a little girl ghost, but lost it again because I saw no reason for her to feel that taking on the man's spirit was too mcuh. There's no evidence that the other spirit was at all interested in her.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sorry. Its just personal taste but I still don't want to read past the first line. Too much ick too soon, for me.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Agree w/ others as to wondering why the paramedics are allowing the birds to eat.
ReplyDeleteAlso a bit turned off by the juxtaposition of 'mischievous girl spirit" and 'fed from her.' If something is parasitically attached to me, it's gone beyond mischievous and into harmful.
No. One of the reasons I didn't like the first sentence was the flippancy of it, that she's seeing a body's eyes being pecked and all she can think about is the bad day SHE'S having. That seems even more so with these other sentences. The guy is gruesomely dead, and she's spending the whole time thinking about herself and how drained she is.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, just can't get past the first sentence, but that's personal taste- I can't do gross.
ReplyDelete