TITLE: Kissed (WIP)
GENRE: YA
The outside sink looked a bit odd next to our front door. Mother had it installed after Father tried to burn down my greenhouse -- all because I’d served him supper with dirty fingernails. A bruise I could handle, but if he took away my roses, I’d have nothing left.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI actually said 'no' to the first round for this. I still don't like the first line, it doesn't, in my opinion, do its job. The next two lines made me sad. And I think emotion is key to writing.
Yes!
ReplyDeleteThis packs alot of power and emotion!!
Yes. The second and third lines really add a lot to this excerpt and the voice comes through. Also, the MC's character is intriguing - what kind of person values roses above her own body? - Id keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteYes
ReplyDeleteI was wavering on this, but you did a good job of explaining the first sentence with your next ones and you set up characterizations for each of the 3 in a short amount of time.
Yes. I still agree with tightening the first sentence, but with the next two sentences, the voice pops out and I want to know more about the character.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I'm lost. Why does she need a sink because her father tried to burn down the greenhouse? And how does this stop him from taking her roses?
ReplyDeleteYes. I didn't care for the first sentence but the next two really add voice.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteWow.
No. I kind of get lost in the congruency of the burning of the greenhouse and the bruise.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sounds a heck of a lot easier to wash her hands than to install a sink next to a front door where there usually isn't water lines or drain pipes.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first line on its own did more for me than the two lines following it. I'm not getting much taste for the voice in this piece, and that is what is most important in the first three lines of a novel, in my opinion. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't think the first line is doing you any favors. Also, I grew up with a contractor for a father, and installing a sink next to the front door is impossible if you didn't lay pipes for it as the house was being built. So ... my brain was instantly distracted by that detail. I think the next two lines show voice and potential, though. You might think about building your character's background and situation with a bit more subtlety ... let us discover the truth of her situation as we discover her. This feels like I got hit in the face with "My father is abusive, but I can handle it as long as I keep my roses" before I've learned to care enough about the character to feel anything at all about this.
ReplyDeleteYes, I said no in the first round......Reading more and I like where the story's headed! I want to read more :)
ReplyDeleteNo - I'm torn on this bc I want to like it, and lines 2-3 indicate a serious family drama that sounds compelling. But something overall isn't working; guessing it's the first line and all the questions about the sink.
ReplyDeleteNo. Sorry, I liked this in the first round but I feel like the second and third sentence are rushing to get me information. I'd expected something tied to the fact that the sink is odd-like "but I didn't care what the neighbors thought as long as I could water my roses" or "but odd is what my family does best" or but I could handle odd if the sink kept father from burning down my greenhouse
ReplyDeleteNo, for the same reasons as C.J. said, but it's close! (See?! I told you, C.J.! We have exactly the same taste!)
ReplyDeleteNo. If the girl could always wash with a hose, or inside in the bathroom before she served anything! Why would her mother go to that trouble when there are far more obvious options? Why would the abusive father let his wife weird up the house like that without asking questions that the mother couldn't answer without making him mad, surely?
ReplyDelete