TITLE: The Meter's Always Running (WIP)
GENRE: Cozy mystery
I knew it was going to be a chart topping bad day when the kid barfed in the back seat of my taxicab. After dropping that fare off at the Savannah airport; I restored my cab to a nearly spotless state that even my ex-husband would've approved of. Or at least, my first ex.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No.
ReplyDeleteLoved the first line. The next two are a bit off for me and lost the humour for me. Was surprised the MC was a girl. Stereotype of Taxi Driver's maybe. i think it can be tighter, these next two lines.
Yes
ReplyDeleteI still love the imagery you've got here. Also nice reversal of the preconception that taxi drivers are male. However, pay attention to your punctuation. There's a few issues just in these 3 lines.
No - the first line is funny, but the semi-colon in the second line is misused.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind this (aside from the semi-colon!) however the last line makes me think that she has another husband who thinks taxicabs should be better than spotless and I don't think that's what you're going for. Or maybe it is. I'd also suggest you refer to the kid as "him" in the second sentence rather than "that fare" so we know you are still talking about the same trip.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
No
ReplyDeleteAs with another entry, the promise of humor in the first line was not sustained with what came after. I was likewise jarred with the driver being female - never had a female cab driver before. The mention of the two exes changes the tone for me - at first, with the opening line, it set up a universally understood and realted to "bad day" but then it quickly becomes focused on a MC who for some strange reason is so obsessed with past failed relationships that they are always at the forefront of her consciousness. So, the direction its going does not grab me
No.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wanted to say yes so much! One of my favorite first lines and I love cozies set in the south. Semi-colon in second sentence took me out of it -- use comma. I liked the driver was a woman. Nice touch. Middle sentence needs to be reworked and the last six words aren't a sentence (which you can do). I pointed it out as this was a three sentence contest.
No. I liked the first line but the next two actually lost my interest. I guess I wished the humor had been more in line with the beginning.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I wasn't as excited about it as I was when it was only the first line. There's a misplaced semi colon in the second sentence that had my eye stuttering, too. Still, good voice.
ReplyDeleteYes - With the caveat that I say "yes" only because this is a cozy mystery, and is probably completely character-driven. I'm picturing an OCD cab driver with a bad relationship history, and I'm curious as to how that will help her solve a crime.
ReplyDeleteNo, but I'll qualify that and say you almost had me. The first line is awesome. The next line falls flat. You don't need a semi-colon, you need a comma. :) And I feel like the humor gets lost. Part of the humor in the first line is the fact that she has to deal with barf in the back of her taxi. But then she deals with it effortlessly, and the humor fizzles. Also, the instant mention of two exes takes the focus off of her immediately. I feel like the first line has so much VOICE, but then the voice doesn't continue.
ReplyDeleteNo. I too loved the first line but I expected the next to go on with what else made the day bad and not just dropping of the fare and cleaning the cab. That's not very interesting or funny. How about a visual on the kid, the kid's frantic parent?
ReplyDeleteAgree w/ the others...also can drop the 'of' in would've approved of. Just say it was so spotless, my ex-husband would've approved.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. I didn't like the first line, but I do like that this is a woman. Also, that she has a couple ex-husbands. She's my kinda girl. I do think it needs tightening up, but I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteYes, but. I love that there is more than one "ex." Great set up. Please heed the great advice of the critiques above as they have made wonderful suggestions for tightening and improving punctuation. If there are oopsies in opening, then rest of manuscript will need assit as well.
ReplyDeleteConsider hiring a high school english teacher, they are superb and will work on the cheap.
Best of luck.
Yes. I like where this is going, and think it's telling that she mentions her first ex-hubby's high expectations of cleanliness, which leads us to wonder if he's a clean/control freak. And how do we know she only has two-exes? She mentions her first ex, but it could be the first of many!
ReplyDelete