TITLE: HEAVEN AND HELL ALIKE
GENRE: Paranormal Fantasy
When Liam took over the body of a railroad worker fifty years ago, he hadn't realized he'd suffer from caffeine withdrawal every morning. But when he traded up, he wasn't being picky.
Back on his Harley after only five hours of sleep, Liam was heading through Davenport, Wyoming to track down the local diner.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand. Trading up means getting something better, so wouldn't he be picky? Also, I think 'track down the local diner'feels like it should have something else on it because it can either be a diner (place) or diner (patron) so I want either a where or a who on the end to make it clearer
No. This is confusing.
ReplyDeleteAside from what I said last time, my only comment is that he wouldn't head "through" a town if he was trying to find something in it. I'd say he headed "to" it or "in" it. Through (to me) means he's trying to bypass it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
No
ReplyDeleteThe phrasing is awkward with the use of "trading up" and "tracking down the local diner." I am left confused and this would probably make me stop reading. Also, five hours of sleep doesn't seem so bad and a diner in a roadside town is not usually hard to find - so , yeah.
No. I'm really confused about what's going on here.
ReplyDeleteI waffled on this one, but in the end I'd vote no (if this were a voting round). Maybe just a bit more tweaking would grab me.
ReplyDeleteNo, and I voted "yes" on the first line. I thought the caffeine withdrawal might be explained a bit more in the following text. Instead we switch to an entirely different idea: trading up. Now I have more questions that go unanswered. Perhaps focus on one idea for your intro paragraph. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteNo. I also voted yes to the first line, but the additional lines don't keep the same I-have-to-know-more as the first line did.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to buck the trend in the comments and say Yes. I think this needs some polish, but I understood trading up to mean he switched to someone else's body, and that's intriguing. Also interesting is that he wasn't picky on which body. I wonder why. I think you can make a less clunky first line (the caffeine withdrawal mention makes us think you'll be discussing that, so maybe look at that?). And I don't have a problem with driving through town looking for the local diner. I think you might need another sentence or two to let us know why he left the railroad worker and what he looks like now or which body he chose now before we see him driving through town. But this has voice and an intriguing concept, so I'm saying yes.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry. The second line was awkward. I think I know what you meant, but I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteYes. The phrasing was a bit awkward, as others said, but overall idea is intriguing, and the writing doesn't get in the way of the story at all. That's important. Work on honing that, making the story as clear and primary as possible, and I think it will help with the phrasing issue.
ReplyDeleteThe tense seems off in- when he traded up, he wasn't being picky.
ReplyDeleteShouldnt' it be-he hadn't been picky? And starting the sentence with Back on the Harley made me pause and say "Harley? what harley? was there a harley in the first sentence?" And with that distraction, it took me a second to connect the need for the caffeine and the search for the diner. But the concept is interesting and Harley's are interesting too so I'd keep reading and in hopes that the writing evens out.
No. Your two graphs are too unrelated. You've switched from 50 years ago to now. Perhaps get a better transition between the two to clue us in that you're moving rapidly forward in time.
ReplyDeleteYes. (C.J., you know what's funny? Our tastes are exactly the same, haha.) I agree that it's a bit clunky, but it's very intriguing and makes me ask questions--good ones at that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Yes. I said no in the first round, and I still don't like that sentence, or the second one, actually. It doesn't make sense to me that if he'd been in the body for fifty years and be thinking about the caffeine addiction now. If he didn't like the addiction, he could have easily beat it by now, surely. The second sentence kind of contradicts itself.
ReplyDeleteBUT if the third sentence were the first, I'd pick up the book based on first line alone. C'mon people, Harleys? Road trip? Oh, yes. Definitely, yes. I would add the word "to" after "through" so that he was "heading through to Davenport" instead of making it sound like passing through. Other than that, what's not to love?