TITLE: The Story of Laurel Blue Stone
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Laurel Blue Stone rarely leaves the Zuni reservation except to go to school. Seventeen and she hasn't even kissed a boy. She hasn't wanted to until today, when she meets Cal Trillig, a Park Ranger, on a New Mexican mesa. The only hitch is Cal is white.
Besides, her parents have already promised her to Navajo Reddington Cornudas. Laurel senses his bad medicine but her parents, unaware of his criminal record, meth habit, girlfriend and baby, insist on the match. Laurel is unaware that Cornudas has convinced her parents that his father saved her father's life years ago, and now they owe him Laurel. She dutifully obeys and dates him. Her best friend, Dinah Blackbear, who is in love with Laurel, acts as go-between for Laurel and Cal, and unwilling chaperon for Laurel and Cornudas.
Soon, Cornudas shows definite signs of being unhinged and abusive, just as Laurel feared. Restraining orders and a 300 mile move fail to stop this guy from ruthlessly pursuing, abducting, shooting, and dragging her across the desert. If Laurel cannot outsmart this sadistic mad man, she fears she will not make it out of the desert and her teens alive.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. There is a good deal of tension here. I'm interested in Laurel and how she will overcome these obstacles. Good work.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too much backstory; needs Laurel's conflict higher up in the query.
ReplyDeleteNO. It started off like a teen love triangle, then seemed to go over the top at the end with Cornudas turning into a "sadistic mad man" and Laurel running for her life.
ReplyDeleteYes. Almost no because the thought about Cal is never tied up, but the story is still clear and compelling.
ReplyDeleteYes. It was almost a no because there was too much back story, but the last bit about the mad-man hooked me.
ReplyDeleteYes. The query itself is problematic but the story is so compelling it should get a chance.
ReplyDeleteNo. While I like the setting, all I could think of is why Laurel doesn't just tell her parents about the meth, the girlfriend, the kid, and the criminal record? I also don't buy that they don't know because reservations often function like small towns.
ReplyDeleteNo. It feels like the entire plot hinges on the MC not telling her parents the truth but she has no reason to not do so.
ReplyDeleteYES. I share some of the aforementioned concerns, but the settings and themes here feel compelling to me.
ReplyDeleteYes. There is so much going on and the story in itself stands out.
ReplyDeleteYes. The setting got me right away - how often do we see Native Americans as the main character(s) of a novel, much less a YA novel? -as well as the emotional side, with this possible love triangle and abduction stuff. Potentially compelling and intriguing.
ReplyDeleteNo. While I like the setting, the query lacks focus.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with above. It is rare to see a Native American protag, and based on that alone, you have a story. But there are A LOT of grammar issues in this query, which makes me very wary about the writing quality in the MS.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the idea of the story, but like someone else said why wouldn't she tell her parents about how bad he is, plus I didn't see the friend as being that important to the query and would take her out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I want to say yes because I love a good Native America story, but the query is all over the place with too much back story and not enough focus on what the real story is. Plus, it lacks voice!
ReplyDeleteNo, this is character and plot soup with too many grammar issues.
ReplyDeleteNO, why wouldn't the main character simply tell her parents about this boy's history?
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteLess would be more in this case and the query stronger if you focused in on the girl in a bad relationship that is about to turn nasty.
Yes - query needs work but your MC has promise. IMO, play up the setting/cultural identity in your query more, move up the stakes to first graph, watch word choice (get out of her teens alive was confusing - teen years alive...or she fears she won't see her next birthday, etc.)
ReplyDeleteNo. The whole thing feels cliche and implausable. Modern day Native American parents betrothing their child feels unlikely. I also found the use of the phrase "bad medicine" cliche and offensive.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteI think the query needs work to avoid a lot of rejections, but i think the story is compelling enough to give it a shot
I like the tension between tradition and adaptation; between being in love with a friend and being a friend.
ReplyDeleteSounds really interesting.
No. I see no compelling reason for Laurel (or her friend Dinah, if she's a chaperone and knows everything that's going on) to keep the truth about Cornudas from her parents, and also think that after the focus on Cal in the first paragraph, there needs to be more of him through the rest of the query.
ReplyDeleteNo. Rambles and writing is not perfect.
ReplyDeleteThis query has a lot to say about a lot of interesting characters. It could be shorter and still get the message across that Laurel Blue Stone is a strong young woman worth reading about. I say YES.
ReplyDeleteYes, although the query has some genre confusion. At first, I thought this was going to be a multicultural contemporary, but the last paragraph made it sound a lot more like a thriller.
ReplyDeleteNo. Unnecessary sentences made it weak.
ReplyDeleteYes. Only b/c I like the premise--the query itself feels scattered.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the concept, but I think there are several problems with the writing of the query, and I would fear the story would have the same issues.
ReplyDeleteNo. There are so many things wrong in this query, I suspect the manuscript isn't polished enough yet.
ReplyDeleteNo. But almost a yes. The end is really compelling, but it feels like there is too much leading up to it.
ReplyDeleteYes - I think the query needs rewording in the second paragraph, but the opener sold me and I like the general concept.
ReplyDeleteYES. I felt her being pulled in multiple directions.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI'm another wondering why she didn't just tell her parents what she knew about him. Or wouldn't the best friend who's in love with her tell them himself?
Even without that, it sounded like a teen love triangle thing until the end when she's suddenly getting shot and dragged across the desert? Now I don't know what story this is supposed to be.
YES. I'm interested in the premise to say yes, but hope the query evolves to more succinctly, less melodramatically lay out the stakes.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI love, love, love that the MC is Zuni, but I question the premise based on everyone missing information crucial to their decision making and why Cal is even mentioned if he doesn't figure at all into the conflict/stakes part of the story.
No. I don't think I would enjoy reading about someone's constant role as a victim, even if she eventually fights back. Why wouldn't she act sooner if she knows so many bad things about this guy?
ReplyDeleteYes, but on premise. Query needs help, but I'd be interested in this story.
ReplyDeleteYes- Slow to start and not particularly strong, but the premise would have me ask for more.
ReplyDeleteNO. I agree with Miss Moppet and a lot of the others. I was confused as to what time this is supposed to take place. In modern society Native Americans don't marry their kids off like this...also, the voice is not confident and a little all over the place.
ReplyDeleteNo. Like so many have said, I don’t see why she (or even her friend) wouldn’t have just told her parents about his background. Without that, there doesn’t seem to be much of a story here.
ReplyDeleteNo. The premise is not believable. Meth habits are pretty obvious...aren't they?
ReplyDeleteNo. It felt like the interesting parts are in the first and third paragraph, while the second dragged the momentum.
ReplyDeleteNO. While I like the setting, too much plot soup.
ReplyDeleteNo, unfortunately. Despite the problems, the query had me until the last paragraph, where it descended into melodrama. Before that, I was intrigued enough to at least read a few pages to see if the author could really capture the setting and culture convincingly enough.
ReplyDeleteYes. The Zuni rez setting and the characters make me want to read more. The query probably needs more work.
ReplyDeleteEileen O.
NO
ReplyDeleteReluctantly. Great ideas and setting, but grammar and logic problems make me think the ms still needs work.
Yes. I love the setting & the conflict between the white world and the Native American world. I'm also interested in the friend who's in love with Laurel. The end of the query almost lost me, though, because it seemed to change what the story was about. I would read some pages, though.
ReplyDeleteYes. I am, however, unclear on what kind of contemporary YA this is - coming of age, or thriller? The first and second paragraphs are at odds with the third.
ReplyDeleteLogically, I wonder why Laurel can't make her parents aware of Cornudas's criminal record, meth habit, girlfriend, and baby.
No. This doesn't sound like YA, and there isn't anything fresh in the telling.
ReplyDeleteYes, only because I like reading about indigenous cultures and the modern world. Otherwise, I see no reason for Laurel to not let Cal's history slip out - either by telling her parents directly or letting a third party spill the beans.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked by the premise. As others have said, though, the query needs work.
ReplyDeleteNo - first paragraph almost had me but it degenerates into confusion - the story is not what I was expecting from a YA and the main plot seems easily sorted out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I loved the Indian Res setting, but the tone seemed all over the place: opening light and ending dark.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the unique setting and backstory, but too much of the plot doesn't make sense (surely parents would figure out SOMETHING or she'd tell them).
ReplyDeleteYes. Oh heck yes. How did you cram so much tension into such a short query?
ReplyDeleteYes - sounds like an interesting story, and the setting seems interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query lacks focus, and not telling the parents about a criminal record AND a meth habit AND a girlfriend/baby strikes me as unlikely.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I can't buy into the idea that the parents are so clueless.
ReplyDelete