TITLE: Vis Decor: Alphi
GENRE: Epic Fantasy
In an underwater village, the only thing missing is justice. No one supports the dark-skinned Greys except seventeen-year-old Pure, Alphi McClure—and her call of equality is about to set tempers ablaze.
Once the villagers attack Alphi for her beliefs, she flees to her uncles’ city in the hope for refuge. The place is teeming with life, and Alphi’s heart soars --a big city means big ideas, there can’t be any age-old racism here. But when her uncle brutally tortures a Grey, he pushes Alphi aside, and she can do nothing but watch --until the Grey rebels attack her own family. And when they do, she joins them.
Her uncles’ enemies become her true family, and the rebels’ base her true home. This should be her dream. Yet when war is declared, Alphi’s rash decision to join the rebels comes back to haunt her. The two sides hunger for blood, and deciding which family to kill will leave Alphi torn apart. The war with the rebels is nothing compared to the war with herself, and unless she picks a side, both will only end in death.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No.
ReplyDeleteI don't get a good sense of the story or the main character. I need some concrete details, the language is too vague, to draw my interest.
NO. I didn't identify enough with Alphi.
ReplyDeleteNo. Confusing language; misuse of apostrophe on uncle.
ReplyDeleteNo. There were a few grammatical errors and cliches (heart soars) the use of world-building vocabulary (Pure, Grey) made things a little muddy for me.
ReplyDeleteNo. So close, but it took me too long to get a sense of if Alphi was a Grey and the closing sentence muddled the consequences.
ReplyDeleteNo. This has potential but the query is lacking good structure.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the idea of this, but I don't get a good enough sense of the big picture to say yes.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not sure what side everybody is on and I don't really see how this is epic.
ReplyDeleteNo. Intesting idea but too many grammatical errors and a lack of clarity.
ReplyDeleteYES. I'm fuzzy on some of the world details, but I'm intrigued by Alphi's choices and the stakes.
ReplyDeleteNo. It would be an agonizing, pain-staking decision to betray your own family; this makes it sound like flipping a switch. You need to sell me on a plot point as dramatic and central to your conflict as this.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get a sense of who the Greys are, what their beliefs are, or why they are prejudiced against.
ReplyDeleteNo. The concept seems interesting, but I need more to be hooked. Why does Alphi support the Greys? Why does everyone else hate them? What is a Pure? I understand the consequences, but this lacks motivation.
ReplyDeleteNo. The story sounds interesting, but I am not hooked. I agree that it lacks motivation.
ReplyDeleteNo, the beginning confused me. I thought her name was Pure at first, maybe put "except a seventeen-year-old, Pure." I agree with others that I need to know why Alphi sympathizes with the Greys. Is she in love with one?
ReplyDeleteNo. I didn't get a good feel for the story or the voice and found my mind drifting after the first paragraph
ReplyDeleteNo. I get no sense of the world, and the things you presented are too vague and, as a result, unoriginal .
ReplyDeleteNO, I don't know enough about Alphi to connect with her and the cliches distracted me.
ReplyDeleteNO
ReplyDeleteIt was too vague for me. I didn't connect with either the MC, the plot, or the world.
No. I don't think the world building was clear enough, and there are some grammar issues that make me wary of the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nothing unique enough in this journey to intrigue me.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query almost moved too quickly for me; I wanted less plot and more Alphi.
ReplyDeleteNo. No sense of why characters take their sides, particularly the uncle, and the racial conflict is too bald to interest me.
ReplyDeleteNO. While I have sympathy with the premise, it seems too heavy on the abstract politics and too light on the protagonist's character.
ReplyDeleteYes. I thought this was a new twist on an age-old issue.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't get a strong enough idea of who the Greys are and what exactly is at stake.
ReplyDeleteNo. You might start with defining what Greys are. It could be a good story, but I can't make a real decision without more details.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence made no sense to me, and "justice" is way too vague a term. The rest didn't redeem it even though it did give a better picture of the world. And I was totally thrown in the end by the fact that she was deciding who to kill?
No.
ReplyDeleteThere were too many grammar issues, and I couldn't get a clear feeling for the world or a unique conflict.
No.
ReplyDeleteI had a hard time figuring things out from the query, and I'd hate to read a book that felt as up in the air as the query.
Yes. I liked the idea of racism, the fight for equality, and a inner battle of priorities/loyalties played out in an underwater realm.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wasn't drawn in to the MC and her underwater world. And when she flees to her uncle's (not uncles' unless it's plural uncles) city is that underwater as well?
ReplyDeleteNo, I completely agree with all the other naysayers. There's just to much jumping around, no focus on Alphi or her real plight. What moves this story forward?
ReplyDeleteYes- but reluctantly- the premise is good but the focus to grab me is buried in a weak description.
ReplyDeleteNo. The vagueness in this just doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many grammatical and punctuation errors.
ReplyDeleteNo. Remove words like 'about to', to make the query punchy, and needs tighter focus on Alphi.
ReplyDeleteNO, 'teeming with life', 'heart soars', 'comes back to haunt her', 'hunger for blood', 'war with herself'.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel any connection to Alphi. I had to read the first paragraph three times to understand her name wasn't Pure. I still don't understand what's at stake, or why.
No. I was interested by the idea of an underwater world and the idea that she has to fight against her family, but the query wasn't tight and I got confused. I'd also like to know what a Grey is and to connect with your character somehow.
ReplyDeleteNo. I feel this is lacking Voice and purpose.
ReplyDeleteNo. There is nothing new here.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know about this underwater world. The query could be stronger, but I sympathize with how hard it is to set up a complicated fantasy world in just a couple of sentences.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query doesn't grab my attention and excite me to want to read the book.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too complicated + grammatical errors which make me think the novel will be a trial to read.
ReplyDeleteNo. While I really liked the "race" aspect, I don't have a good sense of what this story is about.
ReplyDeleteNo - I like the premise, but the idea that choosing a side is going to be more terrible than all out war seems implausible to me, and makes me wonder about the main character's development.
ReplyDeleteNo. The premise and conflict are potentially intriguing, but the letter is confusing, especially where it jumps in and uses world lingo (Greys, Pures) without me having any idea what that signifies.
ReplyDeleteNo, because I don't feel engaged with the conflict.
ReplyDelete