TITLE: BLOODFRUIT
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Ana’s been dreaming about kissing a handsome stranger. She takes a jog to clear her head. When she’s finished, Ana notices four men lurking behind her. Out of breath and alone, she’s quickly surrounded by them. But they aren’t just random thugs. They know her name. They know where she lives.
He leaned in with hunger and curiosity. Ana choked on his stench and her own fear. He stared into her eyes, scrutinizing. Then spoke through her, like she wasn’t even there, to his men.
“It’s her. One brown eye, one hazel. Gentlemen, I do believe we are rich.”
There was a whoop; he reached out to grab Ana’s arm.
In the moment of contact, Ana snapped out of her haze. She determined not to make kidnapping her that easy for them, but before she could so much as think about kneeing him in the crotch, she saw his eyes widen in surprise. His iron grip over her arm slackened, and he drew back his hand, clutching it in pain. He slipped to the ground yowling.
His men glanced at each other, puzzled. Ana seized her chance. She darted through the gap Muddy-hair left, hoping the rest of them would be more interested in their leader’s sudden mysterious injury than in her.
They weren’t.
They left him groaning on the ground, and chased after her. They were fast. Much faster than Ana. A short, barrel-chested guy dove at her, tackling her from behind. The asphalt dug into her knees, and the weight of the guy crushed down on her, squeezing the air from her lungs. Black spots appeared in her vision when he suddenly let out a cry of agony, pushed himself away from her, and keeled over, unconscious.
Ana sat up, dizzy, and looked dumbfounded at the man. Had she done that?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this is really good. I had no trouble following what was happening, and am intrigued about the men feeling pain after touching Ana. A few minor suggestions for tightening:
ReplyDeleteThe first line is a POV switch. Ana can't know that he's curious, just that he leans in.
In the fourth paragraph, you could cut she saw and leave his eyes widened in surprise.
Overall, I like it. :)
You write with great clarity and confidence, so my comments are just for polish. You must also have very fast typing fingers :)
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know more about the "hunger" in the first line. Is it avarice? Sexual violence? Actual stomach pain? It would be great to have a hint as to the attacker's motivation.
And the curiosity - can you "show" this? Something he does when he is looking at her eyes?
Who whooped?
Use of the word "determined." That sounds like something a person does after a lot of thought, not in a charged situation like this.
You might want to do a search and destroy for superfluous "that"s also, get rid of "she saw, heard, etc. ie "His eyes widened in surprise" rather than "She saw his eyes..."
"before she could think..." doesn't quite work. As this is her POV, she must have thought it. Perhaps something like before she could do more than form the thought...or before her leg could move...
Wouldn't his grip be "on" her arm, rather than "over" it?
I suggest you shorten some of the sentences in the two big action paragraphs to keep things speeding along.
Is Ana herself surprised by what she'd done (this comment is likely not applicable had I read from the beginning)? She didn't seem surprised the first time, then was the second.
Minor issue: As this is from the mc's POV, she wouldn't know about the groaning since she's already left. Perhaps move the groaning up to before she leaves.
This looks like a super exciting story - good luck with it!
I'm going to disagree with Fey above (sorry!) but I personally think you can tell when someone's curious. I thought the first three lines were great. I really felt the danger. It was the fourth line that tripped me up. Maybe make it, "Then he spoke to his men as if she wasn't even there." I had a hard time picturing someone "speaking through" someone else (unless they were using them as a puppet.) I'm also curious as to why she wonders if she injured the second man but not the first. I think a mysterious injured hand might rouse her curiosity. Overall, this is strong, but it could be much stronger with some tightening up.
ReplyDeleteI thought the action was good. What helps me most is when people point out where they stumble, so that's what I do. It doesn't mean I didn't like it.
ReplyDelete"...and her own fear." over written for my tastes.
Spoke through her worked for me. I knew exactly what you meant.
I stumbled over "She determined not to make kidnapping her that easy for them..."
The "when" in the sentence "Black spots..." confused me slightly. If the black spots were some sort of indication of her power then I would have thought "and". Anyway, it was just a little clunky for me.
He leaned in with hunger and curiosity. (show this)
ReplyDeleteAna choked on his stench and her own fear.
(new paragraph for the next character) He stared into her eyes, scrutinizing. Then spoke through her, like she wasn’t even there, to his men. (this sentence is awkward; revise)
There was a whoop; (from whom?) he reached out to grab Ana’s arm.
In the moment of contact, Ana snapped out of her haze. She determined not to make kidnapping her that easy for them, but before she could so much as think about kneeing him in the crotch, she saw his eyes widen in surprise. (overlong sentence) His iron grip (when did it become iron?) over her arm slackened, and he drew back his hand, clutching it in pain.(show the pain) He slipped to the ground yowling. (Howling in pain, he slid onto the ground.)
They weren’t. (Not necessary; just show us what they did)
They left him groaning on the ground, and chased after her. They were fast. Much faster than Ana. A short, barrel-chested guy dove at her, tackling her from behind.
(How does she know what's going on behind her?)
The asphalt dug into her knees, and the weight of the guy crushed down on her, squeezing the air from her lungs. Black spots appeared in her vision when he suddenly let out a cry of agony, pushed himself away from her, and keeled over, unconscious. (How can she see what's happening behind her?)
Ana sat up, dizzy, and looked dumbfounded at the man. Had she done that (don't need both dizzy and dumbfounded; question mark after that))
Really enjoyed this. The writing is very crisp, and you have a very evocative way of setting the scene and conveying Ana's emotions.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, it had good forward momentum, but it does have some POV issues (the points YA Writer made about mentioning things out of your MC's POV).
ReplyDeleteI agree there are also a few awkward sentences:
"Then spoke through her, like she wasn’t even there, to his men."
(When you said "through her", I thought you meant through her like a puppet. I like Rachel Menard's suggestion.)
"She determined not to make kidnapping her that easy for them..."
(Your sentence structure makes this hard to read. Just put it simply. "She wasn't going to make this easy for them..." or "Determined to make this hard for them, Ana..." And how did she know they were there to kidnap her? Did they say so? Or is your MC reading their minds? If not, that could be another POV issue, so be careful!)
Ana also went from choking on her own fear, to being in a haze. I don't think someone who is afraid would be in a haze. Fear usually makes you feel alert. So you might think about your word choice there. She could be frozen in fear, but in a haze didn't fit for me.
Polish it up, be aware of your POV, and you're good to go! Good luck!
"She determined" - while the denotation of this word means it could be used in this way, it still feels awkward here. Almost formal - which seems in stark contract to "kneeing him in the crotch." ;-)
ReplyDeleteSomeone mentioned that "They weren't." was unnecessary. Yes, it is a duplication. However, another possibility is to edit the sentence that follows instead.
"The asphalt dug into her knees, and the weight of the guy crushed down on her, squeezing the air from her lungs" - perhaps "The asphalt dug into her knees. His weight crushed her, squeezed the air from her lungs."
I, too, was wondering why Ana didn't seem to think it strange that Hoodlum #1 grabs her and screams but is dumbfounded when Hoodlum #2 does the same.
meh... panic makes me unable to think very clearly, so I think haze works to some extent.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought the scene worked pretty well, and I'm curious about the rest of the story.
I want to point out some things with regard to pacing, though; pacing is so important in action scenes.
"...he reached out to grab Ana’s arm.
In the moment of contact, Ana snapped out of her haze. She determined not to make kidnapping her that easy for them, but before she could so much as think about kneeing him in the crotch, she saw his eyes widen in surprise."
We're supposed to come away from this paragraph with the idea that the second he touched her, he became injured. Your word choice and syntax should convey a certain immediacty between cause and effect, but his reaching for her and his expressing the pain are separated by quite a bit of narrative. 1) Rather than being in the moment, we're pulled out of the scene to be told that we're in a moment ("In the moment of contact"). 2) "Determined" implies a process of analyzing data and forming a conclusion, which is too long a process for this little space of time. 3) The narrative takes the time out of this tense situation to tell us that it all happened so fast, she didn't have time to think about kneeing him.
Try to match up the time the narrative takes to tell things with the time actually available in the scene you're trying to create: short, perception-oriented sentences when the tension and action are tight and fast, and more filtering/inner voice when there's a little more breathing room.
I'd like more of a sense of what's actually going on. Like what is the MC's powers? Even if she doesn't know what they are, what does using it/them feel like to her? It felt like that part especially was missing, at least to me.
ReplyDeleteInteresting tension but it is made harder to get into because of the choice of "hunger and curiosity" in the first line. Hunger in this context usually denotes a sexual threat but that's not what the scene is about at all. The villain's interest is monetary so bith hunger and curiosity seem oout of place. Unless he is another being - like in Middle Earth with an Ork - then the stench of him would be cliche. Aren't all bad guys reeking? Especially since you just described her as jogging she probably stinks herself - so I would rethink. I'm not sure if the appelation "gentlemen" works with the scene you have set up. If he is indeed an ogre of some sort, I dount he would use urbane language. Furthermore, unless, he is an idiot, simply grabbing her by the arm - leaving the rest of her body entirely free for swinging, kicking etc defies logic. He would far more likely come up behind her, grab her across the chest, twist her head violently backwards to look into her eyes - assured that he already had a hold of his prize. So, I think the idea that he would expose his crotch to her as a target belies the seriousness of the predicament she is in - because I think we are meant to think these are experienced 'hunters' etc and they would not make that mistake. So, I think the structure of the scene works but what is needed is some word by word and line by line editing keeping logic in mind knowing that what you want to convey is a real threat. Nice job and good luck.
ReplyDeleteI like this though agree it needs a bit of tightening up. I get that 'Muddy-hair' must be the 1st guy who fell but wonder why he gets a name and the 2nd perp doesn't. Also, why Ana doesn't realize she's responsible for the 1st guy falling in pain but figures questions if she caused the 2nd one to keel over.
ReplyDeleteI think the threat is really well set up. I have an image of Central Park for some reason. I think that you are in a position of real power as the author here in this scene and you need to use it to your maximum advantage. Because you know that she will get out of it due to an ability then you can ramp up the tension even more than just the mundane reality of being accosted bby some - at first glance - thugs and hobos. Aren't we all? So, since you know she can get out, really make it a desperate situation. I had no trouble situating myself in the scene - I agree with the stereotype of the bad guy always having a stench - to be avoided (as are bad teeth and hissing) and especially not in this scene where one previous commenter pointed out she is the one who probably smells bad. But, other than that, really great stuff!
ReplyDeleteOverall, good job, author. It reminds me of the last scene of the first Harry Potter book, when Lord V ges burnt when he touches HP.
ReplyDeleteThe pace is good, but I agree with some of the points picked up by previous commentors, where it could be tightened a little.
I tripped over "haze" - I know what you're getting at, but her senses would have been sharpened thanks to the adrenaline rush of a jog and ambush, even if momentarily paralysed by threat. I also think the para tells more than it shows. Maybe you could show a little more of Ana response to the threat, internalise it.
Muddy-hair also tripped me.
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