TITLE: Adventures With Auntie Mischief
GENRE: MG Contemporary Fantasy
Trapped in a dream by the sinister Hatless Men, Jonah and Brandon become a Superhero and a Ninja, and with the help of their Auntie Mischief, battle their way free from that nightmare lair.
Jonah had exited the room in one mighty leap to land in the far hallway. Turning he clapped his hands together and a great roaring gust of wind flew from his hands along the long corridor. There, the pursuers were caught in the hurricane and thrown back to crash against the walls. Jonah stood with a stunned look on his face.
“Wow. That was cool.”
“Come on,” Brandon called, his voice low and rich and as dark as his ninja clothing.
He made use of the grand staircase to alternately sprint and slide, balancing easily all the while deflecting the balls of energy aimed at him and Auntie Mischief. She was showered with light as they disintegrated. Her feet barely touching the ground, she glided quickly toward tall wooden barriers standing grimly at the bottom of the stairs. She laid her ethereal hands upon the dark wood and a doorknob slowly began to materialize.
Jonah moved to follow but the sudden quick movement of a face ducking back into shadow caught his attention. He stood transfixed for a moment and then darted into an alcove. He peaked out. Someone stepped forward, their head twisting on their neck as if searching intently for the intruders. It was her, the little girl from before, grinning devilishly as she watched the mayhem around her. Jonah jumped out and reached for her, but just as his hand closed around her arm, the little girl dissolved.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The flow of the action feels really clean until the last paragraph. Having him 'stand transfixed' makes it sound like he paused long enough that 'darting into an alcove' is pretty much a waste of energy; he'll have already been seen. Also, I thought he was on a staircase; where is this alcove?
ReplyDeleteAside, just to make sure it's intentional: the 'and rich' descriptor of Brandon's voice adds very strong sexual connotations. If you want that, great, if not, the other two descriptors work just fine on their own.
I think you want a comma after Turning in the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the description of Brandon's voice threw me off. If this is MG, and the boys are friends, I don't think Jonah would view his buddy's voice in this light.
In the second to last paragraph there are a lot of adverbs: barely, quickly, grimly, slowly.
In the first sentence of the last paragraph, he makes a move that is both sudden and quick. You could choose one.
I agree about the alcove - where is this in relation to the staircase? I know this is a dream, so the normal rules of house plans don't apply!
I like the mystery of the little girl at the end of the scene! Makes me want to turn the page...
"...the pursuers were caught" - perhaps an active verb instead
ReplyDelete"...balls of energy aimed at him and Auntie Mischief. She was showered with light as they disintegrated." - "they" seems to refer to "him and Auntie Mischief" the way it's worded now
"He peaked out." - Peeked.
"..as she watched the mayhem around her." - mayhem implies action is still happening, but it seems the bad guys are disintegrated and Jonah is hiding. I wasn't sure what she was watching (perhaps it was mentioned before this excerpt).
Grammar, punctuation, spelling, and word usage errors were hard to ignore here. The writing itself didn't feel very active. "Had" takes away from the feeling of being in the moment that you want in an action scene; as does "then" and any of the less visual verbs like "made use of."
ReplyDeleteI felt like too much of it was not specific enough for action. "While deflecting the balls of energy directed at him" is a great example of three or four ways to dilute the sense of action vs. strengthening it.
I also got hung up on "voice low and rich and as dark..." I immediately went into "sex scene" headspace with that one. (Which made the misuse of "peaked" later kind of funny.)
I love the idea, though. I can see my son being all over a story like that.
I agree that the description of his friend's voice took me out of the scene completely. Also MG age boys usually don't have low voices yet, right? My recollection of the boys from middle school is a series of awkward squeaks and breaks which is a far cry from low, dark and rich.
ReplyDeleteDid Auntie Mischief disintegrate? I'm unclear what happened there.
I like your premise though. With a little tightening this could be really fun. I'm also intrigued with the little girl. Did she cause all the mayhem? Fun.
Three of the sentences would be better if they were broken up: "Turning, he clapped his hands." (No "together.")
ReplyDelete"He sprinted down the grand staircase, feet sliding."
"It was her."
That last one might be a stand-alone sentence.
Overall, interesting concepts.
I love the premise of the story, and I think my recently finished with the 6th grade daughter would love it.
ReplyDeleteI agree about the description of the voice. Each adjective adds weight to the sentence and needs to be examined carefully.
The last two paragraphs got a bit murky for me, like an action scene in a move where the camera moves too quickly and you lose sense of the action.
There are a few errors another sweep of edits would fix. 'Peak' instead of the correct word, 'peek', for example.
ReplyDeleteOn the whole, a good scene. I have to agree with above that the description of Brandon's voice threw me. To me, it seemed out of place in the action scene, extraneous detail not adding to the chaos. It was also a strange thing to reflect on.
I also didn't like 'someone' in 'someone stepped forwards'. I liked 'neck twisting... etc' but I found the 'someone' a little contrived, and it didn't allow me to picture the scene very well, which up until that point I was.
Overall, this is a great premise and some good writing. You have a really strong MG for boys here from what I can see, and that's hard to find.
The concept sounds intriguing!
ReplyDeleteI agree with previous commentators regarding some passive verbs and clumsy language. They slow down the pace and that is the last thing you want in an action scene.
FYI, passive verbs are any form of the verb "to be", so pick out all of these: am/are/is/were/was/will be and so on (not a comprehnesive list, but I'm tired).
Example: "Jonah had exited the room"....try "Jonah exited the room.." or better "Jonah leaped out of the room and landed..."
"she was showered with light" try "Light showered over her as they disintegrated"
Oh, and "ethereal" is best left out of a kid's story.
Solid potential here. I love these kind of stories.
ReplyDeleteSomeone used "murky" above, and I agree. I think this would improve with some sentence restructuring focused on active verbs and concise word choice. Make your reader's mental movie easy to create.
Ex.: Jonah had exited the room in one mighty leap to land in the far hallway.
Could be: Jonah leaped into the far hallway.