TITLE: SHIFTED
GENRE: YA-Sci-Fi/Adventure
Kaia (age 15) can manipulate and shatter glass. On a mission to stop a terrorist cell, she surrenders to a guard to create a distraction for her teammate, Ezio.
Kaia did her best not to stare at the gun he had pointed at her heart. She could see out into the hallway through the small window behind him, but there wasn't any movement. Hopefully, Ezio had already escaped.
The window.
Kaia didn't think, even in this situation, she could seriously hurt or kill someone deliberately, but she just might be able to give herself a chance…she closed her eyes.
"Don't think about trying anything. I really don't care that you're a kid – you're still an intruder."
There was a small sound, like the first tinkling crack when you step on thin ice. Then the window blew inwards, showering the guard with little slivers of glass, enough that he instinctively turned away to protect himself.
Kaia didn't hesitate. She ran for the door, putting everything she had into it – every drop of adrenaline, every ounce of strength – pouring it all into every step.
It wasn't enough.
She was choking somehow, and then, before she could even hazard a guess why, she was floating in midair, her feet kicking uselessly underneath her and her fingers grasping frantically at whatever was keeping her from breathing.
The guard was holding her up by her hoodie, and the front of it was gouging into her throat, cutting off her air supply. He pulled her up so her face swung about a foot away from his. There was a small trickle of blood running down his cheek where a shard must have grazed him. "I don't know how you did that, little mouse, but it was a very bad move."
Miss Snark's First Victim
Even though it's nice to get inside a character's head for a lot of stuff, to me it also seems best to make sure the action is cleanly described, especially when there's motion involved.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence before 'It wasn't enough.' is long enough to make it sound like she's actually got to the point of sprinting down the hall, but then - 2 paragraphs later! - we realize that the action might have been better described as something like:
'She lunged for the door. And was brought up short by the neck of her hood pulled back toward her throat.' (or something even shorter)
If action is happening quickly, it should read quickly and the sudden changes in action will provide a lot of the disorientation you've paused here to describe.
Conversely, the action of the shattering glass seems too brief. You've *told* us she can manipulate glass and *told* us she's thinking about the window, but we have no idea what that manipulation feels like to her and so her thoughts and the event seem disconnected. However, it could be that you've given that description plenty of times in earlier scenes and so by the time we get here it's unnecessary. This might be just right if it comes relatively late in the book.
Kaia (age 15) can manipulate and shatter glass. On a mission to stop a terrorist cell, she surrenders to a guard to create a distraction for her teammate, Ezio.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't they think of something smarter than being killed? What about an explosion of something that keeps them both active?
instead of telling us she did her best not to stare, show us?
Lots of unnecessary words that slow down the action like could see (saw) there wasn't any movement (nothing moved), and delete adverbs, e.g., Hopefully (means in a hopeful manner; I'd delete it and use stronger verbs.
Agree action needs more description
The window.
Kaia didn't think, even in this situation, she could seriously hurt or kill someone deliberately, but she just might be able to give herself a chance…she closed her eyes.
"Don't think about trying anything. I really don't care that you're a kid – you're still an intruder."
There was a small sound, like the first tinkling crack when you step on thin ice. Then the window blew inwards, showering the guard with little slivers of glass, enough that he instinctively turned away to protect himself.
Kaia didn't hesitate. She ran for the door, putting everything she had into it – every drop of adrenaline, every ounce of strength – pouring it all into every step.
It wasn't enough.
She was choking somehow, and then, before she could even hazard a guess why, she was floating in midair, her feet kicking uselessly underneath her and her fingers grasping frantically at whatever was keeping her from breathing.
The guard was holding her up by her hoodie, and the front of it was gouging into her throat, cutting off her air supply. He pulled her up so her face swung about a foot away from his. There was a small trickle of blood running down his cheek where a shard must have grazed him. "I don't know how you did that, little mouse, but it was a very bad move
Nice detail about Kaia trying not to stare at the gun. When my friend was held up, she found she could tell the police every detail about the gun, the gunman, not so much.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what "The window." line is supposed to do. I think you need to clarify.
A short action sequence from the guard to tell what he is doing before he says: Don't think.... would go well.
I'm confused. Isn't the window behind the guard? Turning would turn him towards it. Maybe the guard turns toward the noise of the crack first.
You don't need the "somehow" - too vague. Describe exactly how she is choking. I think she'd realize she was being choked by her clothing. As to hazarding a guess - I'd drop that as it makes her seem pretty dim not to realize she'd been grabbed from behind.
You don't need to start sentences with "There was" ie A small trickle of blood ran down his cheek...
I always do a search and destroy for excess "was"s and "that"s myself.
This looks very exciting - good luck with it!
I would definitely be interested in learning how a 15yo gets involved with "missions".
ReplyDeleteBut as an action scene, I did feel distanced after the first couple lines.
I don't know who says "Don't think . . ." I assume the guard and maybe it only feels out of place since we were dropped into the scene, but that did stop the flow.
Definitely work on the passive voice, especially for an action scene.
I like this paranormal skill she has, but I did get confused by why she broke a windown and then ran at a door.
And because she has this talent and you spent a whole paragraph with her choking and floating mysteriously, I thought maybe someone with some other talent stopped her - then we find out the guard just snagged her hoodie so it broke the flow as well.
Concept sounds great though, just some polishing!
I would make some of the sentences a little more concise, maybe like this.
ReplyDeleteKaia didn't think she could seriously hurt someone, but she might be able to give herself a chance. She closed her eyes.
Virginia
I love the skill here - manipulating glass - but the most intense part of the scene of her doing just that goes by too quickly with only a hint of the potential intensity possible. Verbs need tightened, 'was' words replaced with action verbs, and adverbs transformed into stronger verbs. This will decrease the word count and increase the flow of action/intensity.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph struck me as the best. Overall, there are a lot of extra words, a lot of extra thinking, which I personally do not like to see in action scenes. As much as you can, slim these down. Right now, you don't want to look at the scene from lots of different angles, you want it crisp and tense.
ReplyDeleteA really good concept and I can see the bones of a good scene here. It just needs a little stream-lining and it'll be great.
The interwebs ate my comment *gnashing of teeth*
ReplyDeleteI will try again.
I like your detail about the mc mesmerized by the gun - a friend who had been held up could tell the police every detail about the gun, the gunman, not so much.
The line "The window." needs more interiority to let the reader know why it is important.
A bit of description as to what the guard is doing/looking like before "Don't think..." would go well to show his menace.
Isn't the guard's back to the window? If he turns, he'll turn toward it. Maybe he turns at the sound of the crack, then throws his arm over his face when it explodes?
Your mc would know it was her clothes choking her. She knows she is being pursued. Guesses are not necessary.
That last paragraph is really good, full of tension, although you don't need "there was." (A small trickle of blood ran down....)
I had to read this twice before I figured out what was going on.
ReplyDeleteWhy can't she deliberately hurt someone? Isn't this guy a terrorist? With a gun pointing at her?
I like the description of how the glass sounded just before it broke. But I'm curious about how it feels to her. What does she feel when she uses her power?
I agree w/the other comments - a little more time on the window breaking - and perhaps explain why she didn't try to escape out the window - too small? too high up?
ReplyDeleteThe bit about the guard holding her up off the floor by her hoodie took me out of the scene. Could someone really lift a grown person by a hood?
It also made me wonder if she could manipulate glass as well as break it, why didn't she manipulate it to really injure the guard so she could escape?
I think cleaning up some of the was + -ing verbs might quicken the pace a bit. Replacing "was" and other to be with action verbs might also bring out the action a bit more, and watch for some of the fillers like even, about, almost, which work sometimes but not so much in an action scene.
ReplyDeletefor example from last paragraph:
The guard held her by her hoodie, gouging the fabric into her throat. [thus cutting off air supply - not needed to spell out].
He pulled her up so her face swung a foot from his. Blood trickled down his cheek where a shard must have grazed him.
"I don't know how you did that, little mouse, but it was a very bad move."
I very much like him calling her little mouse, it's creepy.
I think you have a lot of good elements, but paring down some of the phrasing will make the action and tension stand out. Best of luck!