TITLE: Hannah's Half
GENRE: YA Paranormal Mystery
Hannah, an 18-year-old medium, is tricked by two of her classmates into arriving at an abandoned warehouse in Albuquerque, NM, where a gang awaits. The members worship Santa Muerte (Saint of the Dead) and believe sacrificing Hannah will bring them good luck and protect their drug smuggling operation.
"Looking for your friends, puta? Some amigas, huh? Selling you out like a cheap carnival act."
Pinpoints of orange light gave away where some of the men stood and smoked. Hushed conversations played out amid jeers and stifled laughs. I tasted blood.
"Do you want me to talk to your saint or what?" I spat pink saliva onto the concrete floor.
"What's the rush? I thought we might have some fun first."
The men who'd dragged me from my car now stepped back to allow their leader to stand in the spotlight with me. He circled me, slowly, his gray snakeskin boots clicking on the floor in a bizarre flamenco.
I shuddered at Leon's threat. Death I could take. It's what they had in mind for me first that turned my legs into mush. I felt close to fainting. Where was Adam?
"That's a nasty bruise on your face. You accident prone?"
The man leaned into me, foul breath filling the space between us. He cupped his hands around my face as gently as a lover would; then squeezed viciously. I dropped to my knees, howling in pain. The snickering in the shadows stopped. The ring leader had started the show.
"Use your powers and tell me what I'm thinking." His voice boomed and everyone cheered.
"That's not how it works for me." I knelt on the ground, head down.
"Oh really, chica? How does it work then?" Leon asked. "You need motivation?"
Before I could raise my face to him, his boot connected with my shoulder.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really liked this. I especially loved the line, "He cupped his hands around my face as gently as a lover would; then squeezed viciously." It's not a super action scene, but you still feel the urgency. Good work!
ReplyDeletetoo much dialogue to be action and doesn't seem paranormal
ReplyDeleteIn general, this reads really smoothly. However, two spots tripped me up:
ReplyDelete1) I, personally, always associate flamenco with something very fast-paced, so pairing it with 'circled slowly' is confusing. Perhaps this would be more of 'the lead up to some bizarre flamenco'?
2) While I liked the beginning of the paragraph, 'The ring leader had started the show.' tripped me up. At first I thought some other 'big boss' character had shown up, causing the other men around them to shut up. Of course, that might just be mostly a reading glitch on my part.
Although I agree with another reviewer that you could cut the word "slowly," I like this line because it's specific: "He circled me, slowly, his gray snakeskin boots clicking on the floor in a bizarre flamenco." On the other hand, "howling in pain" and "connected with my shoulder" seem vague to me. Also, fewer adverbs would move the scene along faster. I think "then squeezed" reads stronger than "squeezed viciously." Overall though I like your set up and the stakes.
ReplyDeleteConnected to my shoulder, left two different images in my head. He either kicked her or put his boot on her shoulder and pusher her over.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot.
ReplyDelete"It's what they had in mind for me first that turned my legs to mush." It's a great sentence I wished I felt close to fainting would have also been as descriptive and less telling. Was the room swimming or were there changes in her vision?
Good Job
Nice job building tension.
ReplyDeleteI was a little thrown by her asking if they wanted her to talk to their saint, but of course we don't know exactly what she's been told.
I could definitely feel her fear as she realizes there are things worse than death.
I think you have a very vivid set up here and good characterizations. I feel concerned for your MC.
ReplyDeleteI don't even think you need to change much. The only thing that stuck out for me is 'his foul breath'. It's both a bit cliche (don't all the baddies have foul breath?) and imprecise. He has snakeskin boots, maybe he actually cares about his breath. But whichever way you go, tell us what it smells like.
But really this is good.
Good luck with it!
Rising tension, a sense of menace, very good.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't clear at first who said, "That's a nasty bruise on your face". I assumed it was Leon, but it could have been Hannah, if she's a wiseguy, and if Leon might have a bruise from some previous encounter.
The 'foul breath' thing feels a bit cliche. Give him mint gum or certs or something different. Bad guys always have bad breath.
Yes, you could strengthen the 'connected with my shoulder' line, but I thought this was really well done.
This is VERY compelling! One line didn't work for me: "Selling you out like a cheap carnival act."
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like the way these thugs would talk. Maybe: "Selling you out cheap," or something less contrived than "cheap carnival act."
High tension communicated well. Believable. I agree about the fainting comment from above - what DOES feeling like you're going to faint feel/look like? - and also about the foul breath - whether foul or sweet, what can I compare it to? Tune up some verbs, but otherwise, I'm interested in what's going on here!
ReplyDeleteThe tension here is extremely well-made. You give us the details we need to worry us, to create an image, without bogging us down with extraneous stuff.
ReplyDeleteI know I should be saying something that could be improved, but nothing really jumped out at me. I don't think I should come up with someone 'just because', you know? Honestly, I enjoyed this scene.
Wow- I read this out loud to the cat and the scene gave me goosebumps! (Don't know about the cat- he prefers comedies).
ReplyDeleteI really liked the carnival act line- I thought it sounded authentic, especially if you consider that Hannah is a medium, something many would label a "cheap carnival act."
The foul breath could be considered cliche (bad guys don't brush and floss), but it could easily be changed to "the sour smell of cheap beer" or beer and tobacco (all bad guys drink and smoke, right?)
Instead of stating she felt like fainting,I'd draw it out, add to the drama: "I swayed a bit as my mind started to spin, unconsciousness threatening to take over my body.I closed my eyes for a brief second and took a deep breath, willing myself to stay present. If I passed out, I was a goner. I needed help- where was Adam?"
Excellent job- I want to read this!
I like the orange points of light. It's a good image and it shows us, rather than telling us that it's really dark in the place the main character has been taken too.
ReplyDeleteI also like the fear you feel when she realizes there are things worse than death. It might register a stronger reaction if you put that right after him suggesting they have some fun first. I think the intensity of the fear gets somewhat diminished by the paragraph in between his threat and her reaction.
Overall I think the writing flows really well, and there's definitely a sense of urgency here. I liked it.
Well done. I could picture the scene, however, I would have liked Leon's name in the intro as well as the bit about the guys who dragged her from the car - I would've had that in the 1st paragraph to establish he scene.
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job in creating menace and making me concerned for your MC.