TITLE: Threads
GENRE: YA Fantasy
As the temporary Royal Advisor to the princess, Adalmund Pratt’s first job—get Princess Calumina to a peace treaty signing and back without any problems—goes horribly wrong.
A hand gripped her shoulder. Adalmund spun, thrusting her palm into their nose. The cut on her side tore, and she stumbled.
“Adalmund!” Tristram shook the blood from his broken nose. “Take her and go!” he shouted.
Adalmund whistled. Stones shot from beneath the feet of soldiers and toppled them. Tristram tossed a wire from one hand and snapped a sword from a soldier’s grip. Adalmund swung her sword across the soldier’s neck, and he fell, choking and clawing at his throat. She barely noticed the delicate, white flower stitched over the heart of his uniform.
“Carnations,” Tristram said, trying to parry and failing horribly.
Adalmund kicked him out of way, cursed, and cut down another soldier. Spinning in the blood and sand, she saw Princess Calumina beckon her and splay out her fan. An arrow cracked against its metal ribs. Flicking her fingers, Adalmund knotted a thread of magic and snapped it. The stones beneath the soldiers’ feet shattered and a wall rose up from the dust.
Tristram shouted, “look for flowers,” and Adalmund paused to pray he’d live.
Adalmund tossed a bead to each of her guards and wrapped her right arm around Calumina. She whistled. They flickered in and out of existence, and the wall crumbled. Adalmund spun them around, her back to the oncoming army and trembling Calumina pressed against her chest. Metal shattered bone and wood splintered into skin as her transport spell pulled them all into blissful, painless nonexistence.
Until Adalmund reappeared screaming.
Miss Snark's First Victim
First of all great job! Reading this section I can tell you have a LOT going on--magic, an army, a bunch of characters. Fantasy is always tricky! I just have a few comments:
ReplyDelete1. I wish there was a little more internal reaction and not just action. For example, I'm assuming Tristram is a friend she just punched in the nose, but there's no reaction from her at the knowledge. I also don't know why she instinctively assumed it was a bad-guy grabbing her, though that might be well set up beforehand and you just couldn't include it in this snippet. If it's not set up previously, consider something as simple as "Out of nowhere a hand grabbed her shoulder, startling her. Instinctively she spun..." OK, so that's pretty cliche, but hopefully you see what I mean about giving us some clues to her motivation!
2. "She barely noticed the delicate, white flower stitched..." The "barely noticed" part doesn't seem to fit the high intensity of the scene, and it's pretty telling. Consider instead something more active, or that tells us more about what she thinks of the flower. Like "As he fell, she was startled to notice the white flower stitched over his check. Apparently Tristram noticed as well. 'Carnations,' he said..." Also, I think the adjective "delicate" doesn't quite fit the pacing of the scene. It's a little slowing, and I think maybe shows more attention to detail than someone fighting for their life would have to spare!
3. "Trying to parry and failing terribly"--consider giving the reader more details. When I first read this I thought he might have died because he didn't block the sword. Consider letting us know what happened as a result of his failure (cut in the leg, etc...).
4. "Adalmund kicked him out of the way," doesn't quite make sense, given that (I think) they're on the same team. I would kick an enemy out of the way, not my friend! Consider changing it to "shove" and/or give us some details concerning her motivations--like she's shoving him to safety, or he was taking up space she needed to maneuver.
5. "Adalmund paused to pray he lived." I'm not sure it makes sense for her to pause in the middle of battle to pray that he live, rather than keep fighting to make sure that he does! Consider making it a thought instead of a pause. It could be as simple as "She really hoped he lived."
6. I get a little confused at the end. How did she get to the princess? I thought she was across the room. Also you say "They disappeared." Who is "They"? The guards with the beads? Tristram? "Adalmund spun them around" again, who is them? The princess? Or the flickering "they"? IT becomes clear at the end of the sentence, but consider rearranging it so the reader knows right off what's happening. I also don't know if the metal and wood that are shattering her bones and splintering her skin is from the falling wall or from the spell. I think you could clarify this if you gave us some more internal thought so we know what she's planning on doing. For example, is there a reason she sends the guards off before she rescues the princess? Is she worried that the wall is falling but there's nothing she can do about it--it's face the wall or the army? It might help keep the reader on board.
As always, those are just my thoughts! Feel free to toss out anything you don't like :).
A hand gripped her shoulder.
ReplyDeleteNP Adalmund spun, thrusting her palm into (their) singular he/she nose. The cut on her side tore, and she stumbled.
“Adalmund!” Tristram shook the blood from his broken nose. “Take her and go!” he shouted.**not needed**
Adalmund whistled.
Stones shot from beneath the feet of soldiers and toppled them.
Tristram tossed a wire from one hand and snapped a sword from a soldier’s grip.
Adalmund swung her sword across the soldier’s neck. , and h
NP He fell, choking and clawing at his throat. She barely noticed the Oddly, a delicate, white flower was stitched over the heart of his uniform.
“Carnations,” Tristram said, trying tried to parry and failing failed horribly. **Odd enough she would notice in the middle of a fight, but how would he notice that she noticed?**
Adalmund kicked (him) Who? out of the way, cursed, and cut down another soldier. Spinning in the blood and sand, she saw Princess Calumina beckon her and splay out her fan. An arrow cracked against its metal ribs. Flicking her fingers, Adalmund knotted a thread of magic and snapped it.
NPThe stones beneath the soldiers’ feet shattered and a wall rose up from the dust.
(Tristram shouted,) put dialogue first “look for flowers,” and Adalmund paused to pray he’d live.
Adalmund tossed a bead to each of her guards and wrapped her right arm around Calumina. She whistled.
NP They flickered in and out of existence, and the wall crumbled.
NP Adalmund spun them around, her back to the oncoming army and with the trembling Calumina pressed against her chest.
NP Metal shattered bone and wood splintered into skin as her transport spell pulled them all into blissful, painless nonexistence.
Until Adalmund reappeared screaming.
I tried to use track changes, didn't work too well. Hope this is helpful anyway :)
Blessings
Your writing skills are evident. The action is rather clear, considering the instant world-building that has to go on for these excerpts.
ReplyDeleteSwiftScribbler covered a lot of things I noticed. I especially agree that more internal reaction would deepen the scene. It wouldn't take much. Is this effortless? Is she thrilled with her use of magic and simultaneously appalled at the violence? I'm just not sure at this point.
Nice work.
Thank you guys for the comments. I went through and changed a lot of things based on your critiques.
ReplyDelete@GlennHaggerty Thanks for trying to use the tracked changes. I think I got through most of your comments.
@Michael Waguespack I do need to work on internal reactions, and thank you for pointing that out for this. I tried to add some in during revisions to this.
Thank you again!