TITLE: The Plumber
GENRE: Young Adult
Tyler knew of the Plumber, Curly, but the burglar had threatened Tyler’s family, therefore, he didn’t warn his new friend, Will, of the danger. Trying to make amends, Tyler aims to locate the Plumber’s stash; they’re spotted after witnessing a murder.
Curly buried his long knife between Frank’s shoulder blades. “Right, no one will ever know,” the big man sneered and withdrew the knife.
Frank’s body thudded to the ground.
“Noooo.” Luke’s scream rang out of the gully, across the clearing and crashed into the murderer’s ears.
Curly whirled around. His savage black eyes raked their position.
Tyler locked eyes with his nightmare.
Recognition flashed across Curly’s face. The Plumber’s lips turned down until his bottom teeth showed like a cornered dog.
Silence blanketed the scene. He beat down the horror creeping up and down the walls of his mind and his thoughts dropped into slow, crystal clear motion. Run. They must run. He took a step even as he glanced at his companions.
They stood rooted to the ground, their faces frozen in horror.
Digging his heel into the gravel, he ground to a stop. Grabbing Will and Luke’s arms, he shook them roughly. “Run!”
As though suddenly awakened, the three boys started and lurched back. Wildly, they ran down the gully towards the trail, Dylan darting into the lead.
Tyler glanced back.
The big man hadn’t moved. He stooped and wiped his blade on the grass, then stood and grinned—a hideous grin. “Run, little rabbits.” His deep voice boomed across the clearing. “Run.”
A chill swept up his spine and he bolted. Vaulting over and dodging the rocks, he sped down the gully and caught up to Luke. “Hurry. He’s after us.”
Luke scrambled faster.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Eeek!
ReplyDelete...[ducks head under blanket]....
This sounds like the kind of deliciously scary horror story I would torture myself with.... SO GOOD! And yet entirely too creepy at the same time!!
Constructive criticisms?
I have none. I'm sorry.
I JUST WANT TO KEEP READING!!!
Nice pacing with the short paragraphs, it keeps the story moving. A few things:
ReplyDelete“Noooo.” Luke’s scream...
I would suggest an exclamation after "Noooo" if he's screaming; with the period it appears more subdued, like dread.
Here: "Silence blanketed the scene. He beat down the horror..." can you define who "he" is so it's clearer?
Since there are so many characters in this scene, I think names should be used as much as possible, or things like "Luke said to the others" etc, so we can distinguish who is doing what. Instead of "large man" just say Curly since he's already named.
Nice job :)
I agree with Stephsco--use an exclamation instead of the repeated 'o's. Also, around the time they are frozen you start only using 'he' from there on out, and I think confusion could be cleared up by naming him (and break up repetitive sentence structure). Also, just something personal: I don't think Tyler's line at the end fits. They're running, scared, and breathless. Maybe think of a one or two word line that would be horrifying if you're being chased? "Keep running." "He's coming." "Hurry." I just think it will add to the tension.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you've definitely built up the perfect amount of tension for this scene.
Cheers!
I absolutely love that the Plumber is a murderer and his name is Curly. I'm picturing him as bald too, but that's just me.
ReplyDeleteBecause this is a snippet, I had a hard time figuring out who the narrator was at first. But part of this is there are subtle POV switches.
The scene seems to be from Tyler's POV, but then 'the scream...crashed into the murderer's ears' only if you were in Curly's head could you say that.
Other than that, this is good. Good set up of stakes.
Good luck!
I really like this one! Well done.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others on the POV thing. Tyler wouldn't know the scream crashed into the killer's ears. My only nit pick.
I like the moment of shock and hesitation before it hits Tyler --they need to run.
LOVED the killer's lines here:The big man hadn’t moved. He stooped and wiped his blade on the grass, then stood and grinned—a hideous grin. “Run, little rabbits.” His deep voice boomed across the clearing. “Run.” Way creepy!