TITLE: Spirit Weaver
GENRE: Fantasy
Lora thrust her ski poles into the knee-deep snow, raising a mittened hand to shade her face from the glare of the sun. She stared past the wolverine ruff of her parka hood, down the slopes to the evergreen forests rolling out like a legion of the king’s Honor Guard.
Now that she was here, the fear turned her gut into clenching coils—like a snake consuming itself. The snake twisted at the thought of what she might find in the valley below, twisting tighter at what she almost certainly would not find.
She searched for the smoke-haze of Eloedir rising up through the crowns of the distant conifers, though she knew all signs of her village would be hidden beyond the valley’s bend. Her own frozen breath was the only sign of life now, drifting back past the unstrung wooden bow protruding above her right shoulder. Over the other shoulder gleamed the mottled bronze hilt of a curved saber, engraved with the swan of the king.
Lora adjusted her pack, stamping her feet in their bindings to warm her toes. She pushed off down the slope, finally letting her eyes settle on the place below where five years ago her father and brother had been slain. She let the place come to her, refusing to change course because of a memory, though that memory had changed the course of her life. Steadying herself with her poles, she glided through this barren threshold of their last breaths.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You evoke a lovely atmosphere here. I got a very detailed picture of the wintry landscape.
ReplyDeleteI do think your metaphors were a bit heavy-handed at times, though. Especially in the case of the 'snake'. Spending a paragraph describing her fear in the guise of an animal was a bit much, in my opinion.
I'd also prefer if the tension was more immediate, and not related to events five years past.
All in all, I'd say this is a beautiful opening, but a slow one. If you could speed things up just a smidge, I think you'd be able to accomplish more.
That last paragraph is truly stunning -- gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteI agree about the too many metaphors comment. They make the writer visible and should be used sparingly, and only when the fit is perfect.
The writing is beautiful and compelling.
A leisurely beginning, but I didn't feel like I wanted it sped up. Not sure it would be as effective quicker. I agree with the five years ago being a bit outdated. Now I am wondering what is happening and why I should keep reading. Maybe something more urgent would make me want to. I do like the writing though.
ReplyDeleteThere is some beautiful imagery here.
I agree that I didn't feel a need to speed things up. Your MC has reservations about what lays ahead, she wasn't in a rush, and the writing reflected that. I wasn't tripped up by the snake metaphor, and I don't recall you using an others. I liked the winter scene. Reminds me of game of thrones, and beyond the wall.
ReplyDeleteLove the evocative setting in this piece and the way you gently lead the reader into the story.
ReplyDeleteI liked your metaphors and I liked your MC.
Your first sentence was a little confusing. How can she thrust both ski poles and raise a mittened hand at the same time? I would reword it so it's clear. In your last paragraph she adjusted her pack. How can she do that with mittened hands?
ReplyDeleteYou have some great metaphors and descriptions. My main concern is I hear that starting with your MC gazing down on something is cliche. Is there another place you can start? Maybe even have her skiing at first and then pausing on the slope. It's a thought. Good luck!
You've done a lot of streamlining work on this opening, and it keeps getting tighter and tighter. I think it's almost there. There's enough tension in her apprehension, and the description of the environment is sufficiently skillful that I don't mind staying with this for a page or two, but I would like something significant to happen soon.
ReplyDeleteYou ended up with a slight POV glitch when you moved the mention of the saber from the beginning to the fourth paragraph. She won't see her own breath drift back past her field of vision, nor would she be able to observe the gleam of the saber hilt. Those two lines seem to be there just for the sake of mentioning her weapons rather than worked in with some kind of relevant thought or action. Tweak that a bit.
The metaphors are still pretty heavy. I'll note that the snake one extends too far. All you really need is something like "Now that she was here, fear coiled in her gut. The snake twisted at the thought of what she might find...."
I know you probably really love "like a snake consuming itself," and so do I--it's a nice image... but there are just too many images in that one metaphor--something's got to go.
I'm not getting a precise image from "barren threshold of their last breaths"... I'm not sure threshold is the right word to use there. I understand "barren threshold" and I understand "last breaths," but they don't seem to mesh right for me.
That last paragraph is really something. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis was very well-written but to me, it feels more like the ending of a chapter which is setting up the next one, rather than an opening. Would I feel the same way if there had been more to read and it didn’t end there? I don’t know. It’s not a big hook, but there’s enough there to nudge a reader on, I think.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I’ve seen this once or twice before and I always want her to enter the village. For some reason, it just feels like that's where these 250 words should end.
Beginning is too slow for me. Too much scenery, descriptions, metaphors, and backstory. She's running away or towards something (I think) but I don't feel the urgency or compulsion to keep reading to find out why. Her fear is burried in landscape descriptions and backstory.
ReplyDelete