TITLE: WHAT THE SEA MAY BRING
GENRE: PARANORMAL
Nikki woke suddenly from violent coughing fit, caused from suffocating on her own vomit. The fit had taken over her entire body, shaking her, hurling her insides into her throat, scalding it. The inner feeling of hell was a stark contrast to the soft, comforting surface she was lying on, and for a moment, she concentrated on a leaf that lay next to her. She took notice of its beautiful, green inner veins, and the jaggedness of its protecting outline. Lying sideways, the beautiful curled updo she created for dinner was sprawled haphazardly onto her face, dripping water, and partially blocked a hazy view of someone's feet.
What happened?
Nikki grasped to speak the words, and instead they came out as a scrappy string of mutters. William lay a yard from her, still and silent. He had not yet experienced waking and coughing the way she had. Confused, she attempted to sit up, and arms that presumably belonged to the feet standing near her, grasped at her to assist. She was rescued, and tried to turn her head to examine her surroundings. Nikki was jolted from the sight, and felt as if she just awoke in a bed that was not her own. Expecting to wake in an ambulance at nighttime, or at the very least, off to the side of the river, her eyes tricked her into believing it was dusk.
Did I dream last night? I know it happened.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The opening line here is a little clunky, but the blunt way your phrase things like "hurling her insides into her throat," really does a good job of describing that nauseated feeling.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence following that might be a little too telling. You could just describe the softness around her and we, as the readers, would be able to draw the contrast ourselves.
I'm interested in what's going on here, I think you do a good job of setting up the confusion of everything and getting us into Nikki's head! There are some weird (in a good way) things going on here, but I feel like your prose is fighting against that by being very straight-forward and lingering a little too much on the description of the more mundane things around her.
You got me into her head and you have me asking questions, I just want the prose to fit the mood with me!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe story is fine, but there were instances where the word choices or sentence construction caused me to pause. I'll point out some examples where I stumbled.
ReplyDelete"suffocating on her own vomit" — I know people use the phrase your suffocating me, even when they're not literally being asphyxiated. Technically suffocate means to die from lack of air, so unless she actually died then perhaps another word would be better.
"Lying sideways, the beautiful curled updo she created for dinner was sprawled haphazardly onto her face, dripping water, and partially blocked a hazy view of someone's feet." Reads like the beautiful updo is for dinner.
"Nikki grasped to speak the words, and instead they came out as a scrappy string of mutters." Grasped to speak the words is clunky. (grasped for the words or grasped for words)
"He had not yet experienced waking and coughing the way she had. Confused, she attempted to sit up, and arms that presumably belonged to the feet standing near her, grasped at her to assist." There's a disconnect between these two sentences. Sounds like she's confused that he hadn't coughed the way she had. Both are just a bit confusing to me.
This is the fourth story I read here tonight that has the character waking in the opening.
ReplyDeleteThat has turned me off as I feel it is over done.
This seems to be taking a long time. And I am not involved. There is a lot of detail, but how does she feel? Not really too sure, to be honest. Just surrounding details, but not much emotion. I am detached from this event and I don't think I should be.
I like the action and drama in this piece.
ReplyDeleteThe only bit that pulled me up was when she talks about William. It seems to distance the reader and put us more in Williams point of view.
I guess the only other comment I'd make is that this didn't immediately feel like paranormal to me.
I'm intrigued to know what has brought her to this point and what happens next.
I think you're starting in the wrong place. Don't make the reader try to figure out what she's doing. The reader doesn't care about her yet. Start in the scene where she got in this mess. Make me love her first and then do horrible things to her.
ReplyDeleteParanormals have been overdone. Call it a Fantasy. Is it YA or adult?
I like how you contrast how she feels inside vs. outside. The leaf description is good, although maybe unnecessary. Your title is great.
I'd keep reading, so far it's interesting and I'd like to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the whole time I'm reading I'm trying to figure out where she is and it's frustrating that the plot is moving forward a bit slowly.
I like all your descriptions.
Best of luck!
I was also trying to figure out where she is. I assumed she'd woken up on the beach, but then she's on something soft and there's a leaf next to her. Later, she's disoriented because she's not in an ambulance or beside the river.
ReplyDeleteI'm also a little confused about her perceptions. She's looking at the leaf, but her updo is blocking her view of feet... and then, presumably, she sees William. Then she's jolted from the sight of her surroundings? Seems like seeing Willian and feet would be jolting to begin with.
You've also got some repetition. "Beautiful" in the first paragraph and "awoke/waking" in the third.
I feel the MC's confusion, but I'm slightly confused myself.
I didn’t think the opening paragraph worked. First, if she suffocated, she’d be dead, and that wouldn’t bring on a coughing fit. And while I know that’s not what you mean, it’s what you wrote, and that, I think, is the problem here and in the third parg. The writing is muddy and confusing.
ReplyDeleteAlso, she’s in the middle of a coughing fit, choking, coughing, vomiting, can barely breathe, and what is going through her mind? Look how beautiful this leaf is. It seems unlikely. She’d probably be thinking more along the lines of I wish this would end, or just let me die. Perhaps consider rewriting for better clarity.
I'm confused what's going on here. In the last paragraph, did she awake somewhere else? Or is that just a feeling she's getting? If this is a vision or dream at the beginning, I advice extreme caution as very few agents will look at it. It's actually on many of our lists of "don't do" and "pet peeves."
ReplyDeleteRather than capturing my interest, the first couple lines grossed me out. There's a clinical sort of detachment to the narrator's voice, especially in those first few lines, that didn't endear me to Nikki's plight.