TITLE: OBSIDIAN EYES
GENRE: Steampunk YA
Monday 11th January 1836
St Matthews Boarding School, York, ENGLAND
Allie glared out the thick glass window at the giant elm, its skeletal form draped in gossamer ribbons made from snow and ice. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to the cold glass. In her mind, she saw lush green palm fronds reaching out to a breeze, heat shimmering off parched sand.
“Cairo,” she whispered, willing the image outside the window to change. Opening her eyes, she sighed and banged her head gently against the pane. ‘Nope, still stuck in York. I hate snow. Nothing good ever happens when it snows.’
She spun away from the window and ran straight into three boys. One shouldered her roughly, scattering her books all over the corridor.
She automatically muttered “sorry” and bent to retrieve the fallen items. Three pairs of booted feet gathered around her in silence. No one spoke a word or offered to help and she felt an icy prickle of warning run down her spine. A flash of burnished steel caught her eye. The roving cleaning bot shared her instinct, it turned tail and scurried for its docking station bolthole.
Allie slowly piled the books on top of each other, discretely sliding a hand up the side of her right boot. She drew her dagger from its hidden sheath and palmed it amongst the stack. As she stood, she slung the books on her left hip while eyeing the situation.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really liked this. Great writing, and I thought the author did a good job of telling us a lot about the MC in so little space. I would definitely read on...
ReplyDeleteCurrently I am obsessed with Steampunk, so when I saw the genre I got really excited. I also liked the fact that this was set in York, England rather than in London.
ReplyDeleteOverall the voice is good with the exception of "nope, still stuck in York". That doesn't fit with the time frame at all. The other piece that doesn't fit with the time period is a girl in the same school as 3 boys. It just wasn't done in 1836. Now if she was coming from alley or building that would work.
You might also consider explaining the roving cleaning bot. These are used a lot in Steampunk, but each one is different. How is your made? It would explain a lot about your world.
It's great that we are able to figure out Allie is the kind of girl who can take care of herself, despite the apparent trouble she manages to find herself in on the first page! I'd definitely keep reading. I also like the gloomy York setting for a steampunk novel (my family is from there, so I know what I'm talking about!).
ReplyDeleteI like Allie. I like that's she's tough and smart. The writing is good, but sometimes I think the poetry eclipses the image - I can't imagine ice and snow hanging from a tree as 'gossamer ribbons', but that may just be stylistic.
ReplyDeleteOn the whole, I enjoyed it. Read on, definitely.
I haven't read a lot of steampunk, but I think I'm going to have to start. This really intrigued me! Great writing. Love the voice. I was a little confused about the single quotation marks. Is that letting you know that she's thinking? If this stays first person, you can probably do without them. I agree with the gossamer ribbons comment, and I also love that it's in York. I'm pretty much obsessed with England.
ReplyDeleteThe dropping the books thing was cliche at first, but I liked that they didn't say anything as they gathered around, and then the robot and her knife...well, there's nothing cliche about that. :)
You go girl!
You told us so much in so little time and it's all very smoothly done.
Great great great!
-Tele
I like this. Haven't read much steampunk before, but this certainly engaged me. Would give it a go. For sure.
ReplyDeleteI would totally keep on reading. I love Steam Punk and although I didn't get the feeling of the genre from anything but the roving cleaning bot, I completely bought into it.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the earlier comment about boys and girls not going to the same school. Since it's steam punk, I think you can play with the historical conventions.
Also love how feisty the heroine is and how much we learn about her personality from just these lines.
I'm currently working on a steampunk WIP and I'm looking for a new CP whom writes in this genre. Would you like to swap pages?
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed your descriptions in this, and as it is almost winter here, made me more cold.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I don't know about combining the action of banging with the word gentle. Banging generally means it was hard, and hurts like hell. Knocked might be better? I dunno.
Nice work. I would read more. :)
I don't generally read steampunk, but your piece hooked me in. I love the way you have woven the setting with the action and I also got a sense of who Allie was.
ReplyDeleteI would read more:)
I don't generally read steampunk, but your piece hooked me in. I love the way you have woven the setting with the action and I also got a sense of who Allie was.
ReplyDeleteI would read more:)
Overall, a good beginning. You'd have to sell me on the fact that she's at the same school as boys--and hopefully there's a very good reason why they're acting like 21st century bullies. The cleaning bot is very advanced technology--so I'd be intrigued about the rest of the steampunk technology.
ReplyDelete"Nope, still stuck in York. I hate snow." Slightly whiney, and not very 1836. You could delete the whole internal monologue and I'd still know exactly how she's feeling by her actions.
I like the first half of this. I want to know about Cairo! It kinda reminds me of A Great and Terrible Beauty. But Steampunk. :)
The second half reminded me a little too much of The Girl in the Steel Corset. But the first half would keep me going through a few more pages to find out the outcome of the fight.
I liked this, especially the part about missing Cairo. I could really feel her despair, there. I agree with the several comments about the gossamer ribbons. I liked the visual, but I thought "gossamer" was taking it one word too far. I got a steampunkish technology vibe from this, but the setting didn't come across as strongly as it could for the era.
ReplyDeleteThe second half of this was interesting and nice action. It didn't remind me of anything, but I did have a little trouble following the last paragraph. "palmed it amongst the stack" and "slung the books on her left hip" read awkwardly to me, and I had trouble visualizing how that keeps her knife at combat readiness. It doesn't seem accessible buried in her books.
Overall, though, I thought it was nice. I would have kept reading.
My first thought was that this was a pretty cliché opening, but then she pulled that knife out of her boot and I knew this girl wouldn’t be anybody’s doormat. I also liked the mention of Cairo, and not saying any more about it. It lets us know she’s been there before, or might even live there, but because you don’t say anything more, it creates a bit of mystery. I liked the cowardly cleaning bot, too. But the school bullies bumping her books out of her arms has been done a million times, and I wonder if you might create a different, more original situation to replace that.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for the fantastic feedback - particularly Vickie for the insight from the agent perspective. I will take all your comments on board.
ReplyDeleteWoods, I am interested in acquiring another CP, you can contact me via my blog:
http://mutteringsfromtheoubliette.blogspot.co.nz/