TITLE: Bare
GENRE: YA Contemp
My parents are ashamed of me.
And I'm not just another angst riddled teen, wallowing in self-pity, trying to vilify my mother and father. No, this is about the way I look – the lack of hair. And the fact I don’t care that I’m completely bare.
Honestly, I wish this was about my phone privileges being taken away or bring forced to eat vegetables. I’d rather be ostracized because I pierced my nose or got a tattoo instead of something completely out of my control, a genetic disorder. Okay, ostracized might be a bit dramatic, but they hide me away when they have their dinner parties, practically locking me in my room! I’m a ghost in my own home.
And please don’t feel bad about all this. I’m rather sick of people feeling bad for me. There is only so much pity one person can take, only so many sympathetic glances.
Besides, my parents can’t be faulted for being extremely superficial people. After all, Mother inherited it from her mother, which is something called ‘learned behaviour’. Apparently it’s very common, but it seems ridiculous to me. Aren’t we supposed to avoid making the same mistakes our parents made?
Okay, I’ll admit I used to be identical to them, back when I was their ‘little princess’. But things change, eyebrows are lost, arm hair is shed. Nothing really stays the same forever.
And, judging by the conversation I’m eavesdropping on, more change is on route.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really love the voice. It sounds like a MC blessed with insight and awareness - not only of herself but of the world and people around her. That promises the possibility of an interesting read with her as guide. I like her smarts, her vocabulary and her willingness to not crucify people for their faults even if she does not excuse them. And, you end it at a place where the reader - at least this one - naturally wants to learn more and turn the page. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteIt's rather heavy on the explaining and telling up front instead of showing us the mc in her environment and letting us judge for ourselves. The beginnings of your paragraphs seem similar in structure (either one-word comma or 'and'). Also, it seems like she's complaining, which doesn't make her very appealing. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm waiting for something to happen. I'd rather meet the MC in the midst of them doing something and get to know them that way rather than have them explain their situation to me. Maybe you could start with the actual conversation and show MC's reactions to it.
ReplyDeleteI was not attracted to this work. I hate her parents and I don't really like her complacency. This is a sick child with a genetic disorder, yet she's kept from view while they're dining with friends? I'm not buying it.
ReplyDeleteI already don't trust the MC. I don't think I would read on. Sorry the premise just doesn't excite me.
Your character has a very strong voice.
ReplyDeleteI agreed with Lexa that I would like to have been shown more, to share your MC's experiences rather than be told about them.
It's an interesting premise. But I agree the telling loses me. And the first line strikes me as whine-y-and while she has a right to be whine-y it's not a strong way to start a story. If you could start with the reader seeing her in her world and then show us her disorder it would be stronger.
ReplyDeleteshelley
I don't really think it reads complacent at all. I like the voice. This is a unique girl in a unique situation, why would her voice sound like everyone else's? I want to read more and parents in this world have done far worse for far less. She has no hair! That makes for an interesting story. The voice flows and for the first couple paragraphs of a book it would entice me to read on.
ReplyDeleteI think the author has a good set up and I'm not going to be picky. It sounds good and I want more. Bottom line.
I don't think I would read on either. The voice and the premise just failed to capture me. I didn't connect.
ReplyDeleteI've heard of disorders like this in which girls loose all of their hair--that much would be very interesting to read about. But I can't connect to her voice or her parents. Being ashamed of a genetic disorder? It doesn't ring very modern to me.
ReplyDeleteIt is a good voice though, and an interesting opening. For me, I'd stop reading, but that may just be me.
Actually the word is 'lose' all their hair - not 'loose' all their hair :)....sorry Secret Agent but if those spelling mistakes are so prevalent I would have to reject your query and or manuscript :)
ReplyDeleteI really love the concept of a book about a girl with alopecia, especially in a family/environment where appearance is everything. But I didn't really connect here. It was a combination of lack of scene (except that the last line did promise one, so I probably would have turned the page to see what she overheard) and the voice.
ReplyDeleteThe voice was interesting, but it also reminded me a little of my grandmother, who tells you everything that's wrong with her and then add "but don't mind me; it's nothing you should worry about."
The beginning sounded pretty woe-is-me, and then the MC says she doesn't want anyone to feel bad for her.
("or BEING forced to eat vegetables" and "EN route")
I disagree with the 'being ashamed' part not ringing true. I think we'd all be surprised to learn how many parents are ashamed of less-than-perfect children. Its sad and terrible, but probably true. We'll just never know it because no parent will admit it. truthfully, on a more acceptable note, moms can still be shunned/shamed for complaining about motherhood, or admitting it isn't the cat's pajamas, so I don't know what "modern" we're referring to.
ReplyDeleteI was pulled into this story right away. I felt the MC very strongly; her lack of emotion on the subject covering up years of pain.
I would read more.
I’m not feeling sympathy for your MC. If she doesn’t want people feeling sorry for her, why is she whining about herself? Why is she telling us about her disease? Perhaps cut that whole opening and start with her eavesdropping. If she really doesn’t want people feeling sorry about her disease, then don’t mention it as you have. Make something else the issue and let us see her disease gradually, incidentally. And don’t tell us how superficial her parents are, show it in the way they treat her and the things they say to, and about, her.
ReplyDeleteI loved the MC's voice and would want to read more. It is so refreshing to get a female YA MC who is not hysterical or hating the entire world (I mean that literally is becoming a dime a dozen at this point). I would really like to know what the change in her life is going to be. Yes, this really captured me. I would go on most definitely.
ReplyDelete