TITLE: An Uncommon Blue
GENRE: YA Dystopian
Madame Axelle dropped an exam on my desk. “Good luck, Bruno,” she said with a wink.
I tried to smile, but only managed a grimace. The final was thick this year. I fingered the edge of the packet, waiting for permission to turn it over.
Why was I so nervous? Yeah, it was the last test before classification, but I had remembered to study. What I’d forgotten was the protein bars. Only two hours past lunch and I was already getting hungry again.
The room went dark.
“Begin."
I picked at my eraser and waited for my eyes to adjust. I knew the school just wanted to make it harder for us to see our neighbor’s answers, but trying to write while using my palm as a lamp was not one of my strengths.
I flipped the test over and read the first question by the bluish light of my fire:
1. According to Télesphorian legend, how did the first man and woman populate the world?
a. one at a time through natural reproductive means
b. teaching wolves to walk upright and speak
c. bringing stones to life by touching them
d. planting their severed fingers in the soil to grow children
I grinned. Every kid in Télesphore knew the story of the couple that wandered the planet touching rocks and turning them into people. Maybe this test would be easier than I thought.
I was already through two more questions when I noticed a folded piece of paper at the corner of my desk.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like your opening. It brings me back to high school and the dread I had taking standardized tests. *shudder*.
ReplyDeleteMy area of critique would be to capitalize the first letter of the first word in the answer list. I believe that would make it grammatically correct.
Otherwise, nice opening.:)
Love the way you introduce Bruno's world with a test question.
ReplyDeleteIt could be me, but I hate inner thoughts in question form. How could anyone forget to study for a final exam. The paragraph is just not real to me.
Other than that, interesting lead in. And what is that folded paper on the corner of his desk. I'd read on.
I would read on. You had me at "using my palm as a lamp." You kind of had me at "classification," too. I like the way the room darkens, and I like the test question. In fact, I'm frankly jealous of your beginning. You said so much in so little time! Go you.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I would normally agree with Alice about inner thoughts in question form, in this case what I see as the alternative--"I was nervous, and not sure why"--seems extra wordy. Where I definitely agree: "I had remembered to study." I feel like those of us who procrastinate and don't study don't forget to study so much as leave it off until later. An idea--"...but I had studied--hard..." or "but I had studied--maybe not enough" or some other qualification on his style or frequency of studying tells us a little about the character. That might be cool.
These are nits, of course. Maybe they're useful, maybe they're not?
Thanks for sharing!
Nice work.
ReplyDeleteI agree; "remembered to study" is off.
I was hoping the correct answer was 'd'.
What a great opening! I don't really have much to critique here, although I do agree with earlier comments about the question in thought form--I think I'd like it better if it was a statement rather than a question. I love how I can already see worldbuilding and how it seems very naturally woven in to the narrative. I have a feeling that folded piece of paper on the desk is going to start some drama :-) Great job and best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading. I loved the way you brought us into the world with the test question. I would agree with previous comments about the wording on "remembered to study." I'm also not crazy about the first line. Why would his teacher wink at him? Unless it has something to do with the piece of paper at the corner of his desk, or we find out later that their relationship is more than student-teacher, it seems out of place.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck! : )
This is fabulous! I love how you introduced us to this different (and intriguing) world through a test situation which we've all gone through. Very clever and very well done. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI really like the way you opened with something so different, yet so common to anyone who ever went to school! I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI really like starting with an exam, its an image we can all instantly relate to and put ourselves in his place.
ReplyDeleteTo be picky, I agree with the capitalisation of the questions/responses.
And I'm intrigued by the piece of paper and would want to read further to see what it contains. Well done :)
I'd echo some of the above statements, including the capitalisation.
ReplyDeleteI'd also cull the word 'getting' between already and hungry, and then cull the word 'again'. "Only two hours past lunch and I was already hungry." I think that has more impact.
Also personally a teacher winking at a student seems uh... creepy. Not something I'd smile about. Is she trying to hit on him? Without knowing more about her personality, like if she is indeed a playful character, the wink just comes off as creepy. (to me)
I like where your 250 ends, makes me want to know what the piece of paper holds.
Not here to critique (I'm sure your head's already full of suggestions from those above), but just wanted to say I'm OH SO HOOKED. Where's the rest?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this! I think there are a couple of places to tighten up a bit - but I'd definitely read on. :)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a cool premise and I like that you turned something so familiar into something holding this unfamiliar world. We can relate to this situation. I do think you could tighten up the writing. There are a lot of "I" sentences and "was popped up several times- maybe you could reword those. I think you could show us some of what you tell us. i.e. instead of saying "The final was thick this year" maybe mention that it sounded like a textbook landed there or something. The winking threw me off too- a bit creepy without having established the relationship between them. I'd definitely keep reading this one!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say THANKS to everybody for your great feedback! It all makes perfect sense and I've already made many changes to my manuscript. I love Miss Snark and her astute critiquers!
ReplyDeleteI love this opening. Like some of the others have remarked, the "remembered to study" is a strange wording, but it didn't take me out of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteNice use of mystery with the note on the desk. Love the detail about making the palm glow. I would definitely keep reading.
Very clever opening. I have no more to add to what's already been said - particularly about not studying - but like the other do mentors, I would be prepared to overlook that because it shows so much promise.
ReplyDeleteNice opening. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI was all ready to pick this passage apart for the simple fact of it being Dystopian. But you've managed to get some world building in along with just enough to pull the reader along for the ride. You give us questions that we need to answer. The blue palm light? Plus the mc has a flaw (the light isn't a strength for him). And I want to know what's in the note.
ReplyDeleteThe first line threw me. Is there something going on between him and the teacher? That's the only part in this passage I'm not compelled to know more about. The first three paragraphs are set up and "classification" is a tired concept in Dystopian--the mc has a test to pass and it doesn't go the way they hope and their life changes. From these first three paragraphs, it doesn't stand out among Dystopians, but the rest would have compelled me to keep reading just to see where it goes in the next 250.
A boy answered a test question, which isn’t that big of a hook. You do have the note but, as is, it’s just a note. Perhaps make that note a bit mysterious. Give us a sense of the room before the lights go out. Who’s in it with him? Is he surrounded by friends or is the kid next to him someone he can’t stand, or really weird? And when the lights go out, maybe let him feel a bit unsettled. I think it could work if you built up some atmosphere before he sees the note.
ReplyDeleteAs for the test, personally, I like answer D. Imagine starting a story with that? Now there’a an opening line.