TITLE: Elven Soul
GENRE: YA Epic Fantasy
Her booted steps made a lonely echo through the polished hallways of the imperial palace. Colette was dwarfed by the marble columns, and shame hurried her pace when she passed a large window stained with the image of a triumphant battle. Where others were awed, Colette saw pretension. Her simple raiment of black trousers and blouse were a protest to the hollow beauty surrounding her.
The influence of the imperial family and the legions under their command originated here in Asadia and then fanned out. Her father's reign had set the empire to straining further into untamed lands. His five heirs served as spearheads in this campaign, including her. Yet failure was all she could lay claim to after willfully surrendering a victory.
Her face settled into a disgruntled frown, and she flipped her strawberry-blond braid over her shoulder. If she was given the opportunity to do it all over again, she would still make the same decision to withdraw. She had done the right thing. That much she knew in her heart.
Passing into the open-sided hallway lining the training courtyard, the clash of wooden sword on wooden sword greeted her as Jean, her second-in-command, led young legionnaires in practice. All of them were stripped down to the waist, but Jean was the only one whose body was decorated with scars. They crisscrossed his deeply tanned chest, yet none marred his face.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I do like her observations of the palace, and the contrast you establish between her and her surroundings. To me, it showed me how she thought. However, I feel like to convince me to read on, I just needed a little more reason in the first paragraph to keep reading--some kind of establishment of conflict that lets me know something is at stake. It's the second paragraph that, to me, tells us what's up. I'm not sure, but maybe it's possible to begin with some comment about the war and the surrender? That's the implicit conflict of the story, is it not?
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of 'was' and 'had' slowing down your sentences. For example, her simple raiment of black trousers could just protest, instead of 'being' a protest. In that sentence, we already know the hollow beauty surrounds her, and don't need the 'surrounding her' or, for that matter, the 'simple raiment.' I already know black trousers and blouse are some kind of raiment. "Her simple black trousers and blouse protested the hollow beauty" reads cleaner and faster to me. Similarly, "her face settled into a disgruntled frown..." She could just frown, right? I assume a frown's disgruntled, and I assume the frown's on her face. On the other hand, I understand that the word 'disgruntled' sets up the paragraph. It may be that "she frowned, disgruntled, as she..." I don't know. It's your call--but as is, it's redundant to me.
I hope that helps a little! Thank-you so much for sharing with us!!!
I think Petre makes some good points.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that tripped me up about the first paragraph were all the adjective/noun combos. Just in the first sentence you have "booted steps", "lonely echo", "polished hallways", and "imperial palace". For me it sets a pretty slow pace.
Also, I think "Colette saw pretense" might be more appropriate.
I think the fourth paragraph is your strongest because you bring in a little action and another sense (sound) into the story.
It's beautifully written. I love the imagery, but it has more of an adult than a YA feel to it, to me. I would work on connecting Colette to the reader by giving me a hint of how old she is, letting me know if the imperial palace is her home, bringing out whether or not she's the only FEMALE heir, and cutting back on the imagery in favor of voice as you did in the third paragraph. : )
ReplyDeleteI Loved it. I thought that with this type of genre, a bit of description and world building helps set the tone. I liked how the choices of clothes and even the way she walked spoke of her protest, even as she was either coming to or leaving the moment when she had to face her father and admit she had surrendered.
ReplyDeleteI like the rebellious attitude of the mc. However, I think it would be better to put action and dialog near the beginning instead of telling us her backstory. Also, watch the overuse of adjectives.
ReplyDeleteI'll reiterate calls for more action and fewer "to be"'s. I like it, but I don't love it.
ReplyDeleteYou've created a nice scene here, and I have to echo what was said by the others. Some really good feedback up there.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to second the comment to give me more impending conflict feel throughout your opening. I get a small hint she may be getting in trouble for her withdrawal, but then she stops to admire her scarred 2iC?
There's definitely some nice description here. I do think that the voice is a little older than YA. I think moving the conflict up and weaving some of the backstory in later would help. Some of it is very passive, i.e. "Colette was dwarfed" instead of "The columns towered over Colette". A few grammar issues jump out, like "Her simple raiment" needs "was" not "were" since it's singular. It does sound interesting, but I feel like I'm not sure where this is going and what the conflict is right now.
ReplyDeleteI feel very removed from the scene. It's a lot of description, which I get is important for fantasy, but maybe scale it back and move action up a little.
ReplyDeleteHi author. I like the idea of a female heir, and one who isnt impressed by the trappings of royalty, but overall, I feel that this opening is a little overwritten for my taste. Words such as raiment dont flow naturally. Phrases such as "shame hurried her pace" are confusing. If she's feeling shame, and if its important for the reader to know that at this very point in the narrative, then show the reader her feelings, rather than tell us. If the reader doesn't need to know at this point, then drop it.
ReplyDeleteI second those who commented about the number of adjectives and adverbs. Combined with the passive voice, and the lack of action (she's walking - what else?) I questioned whether it was the right place to start the story.
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ReplyDeleteThere's not much I can say that hasn't been said already. Guess that's what happens when you arrive late to the party. I just wanted to say that I would keep reading. The image of Jean was enough to earn you a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteThis is a little hard to follow, and a little info-dumpy, which I understand is hard to get around in fantasy. Still, the family information doesn't need to come out so soon, methinks. I like a little more detail in the setting as well.
ReplyDeleteI thought this passage was adult, until I refreshed myself on the genre. "Jean led young legionnaires in practice." I assume Jean and Colette are the same age, so I mentally gave Jean (and Colette) ten extra years on the young soldiers (I think of "young" as 15-18). You can have a very focused, collected YA mc, but she is young and therefore fallible. Her observation of Jean himself felt more adult rather than an inexperienced teen.
ReplyDeleteWriters are often told to drop the reader in the middle of a scene, which you've done but the consequence is that you need to provide a lot of backstory to catch us up. Try starting with a scene of action or conflict, an Essential Question that does not directly address her loss or heir-dom, but relates to it indirectly and we can begin to learn her as a character. You will be showing us rather than telling us what is important to her. For example, you could even begin with the scene in which she must decide to surrender, despite the advice from those around her. This will show us what she really cares about, her thought process, her independence.
"Her simple raiment of black trousers and blouse were a protest to the hollow beauty surrounding her." This is telling, rather than showing. For example, were she to walk into court and note the fashions of the ladies, we would know she dressed her way because that is her character. Many writers are compelled to give us all of the character's features (hair, clothes, temperament) in the first page to help us connect, but these things can be paced. I'd rather know her preference of weapons than the color of her hair.
Fantasy has a lot of world building, from religion to daily tasks to architecture, so pace yourself. You've tried to put too many details in all at once. Imagery should be salt and pepper--to flavor a scene--rather than be the focus.
Nothing happened in this opening. The writing is good, but there really isn’t much here. If all she’s going to do is walk and think, at least let us know where she’s headed, which gives the reader a sense that something will happen once she gets there. And perhaps allow her thoughts to go a tad further. Let her say why she withdrew, and what the consequences of that withdrawal are, again, so the reader gets a sense of trouble ahead. You might even start with that battle scene. Show her on the verge of victory and then suddenly withdraw. You get out the same info you give out here, but it all happens in an action scene.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the story begins at the last sentence of the second paragraph. Start there (a little restructuring may be necessary) and scatter the details above into the rest of the narrative. I think that punch will throw her emotions and commentary into much higher contrast.
ReplyDeletePassive voice (is, was were) is the bane of writers. Use it sparingly.
Yes, there are a lot of details, but I think you've done a good job in showing that the character herself notices these things when her peers will not.
I certainly appreciate the uniqueness of the story. It has all the fantasy trappings but does not feel like a re-hash. I would read further.