TITLE: She Came From the Hill
GENRE: YA Gothic Fantasy
Clay went to Strawberry Hill for the camping, not the ghost hunting. His friends’ stories about a dead little girl and her fairy friends are not exactly the stuff nightmares are made out of. Not wanting to spoil the fun, Clay goes along with their plans. He even carries the EMF detector, which can double as a football on a long boring night.
They find the ghost girl, but her friends aren’t cute little fairies. They are creatures made of earth and shadows, anciently known as the fey. They want Clay to help them get past a bloodthirsty shadow that keeps them tied to Strawberry Hill. Many have been coerced into trying. All have died.
When his crush is hit by a car, Clay agrees to help the fey in exchange for her life. He may never get up the nerve to talk to Song Lei, but saving her life is a no-brainer. Clay only has a few weeks to learn about the fey before he has to return to Strawberry Hill. One thing he knows for sure is the fey do not like to be crossed. If he fails their task, like so many before him, both he and Song Lei will die.
A classic ghost story with a twist, SHE CAME FROM THE HILL is a YA gothic fantasy and is complete at 57,000 words.
Miss Snark's First Victim
It's a no for me, but it was really close. The voice seems a bit light for a gothic fantasy, and I was hoping to get a stronger sense of creepiness.
ReplyDeleteNo, but almost. The wording in the first paragraph confused me a little - stories of the ghost are not exactly the stuff nightmares are made of? Was Clay afraid of ghosts or not, I wasn't sure.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm a bit confused. Is Song Lei the crush, or someone else? Also, I don't like the pairing of "Clay"? with earth fey; it sounds contrived.
ReplyDeleteClose no. I love me some some gothic fantasy, but I'm not sure what the conflict here is--your phrasing makes it sound like it's research on a tight schedule. What is the huge challenge or risk that makes it likely he'll fail. Why does he think he has a chance?
ReplyDeleteNo, but just barely. I think your idea is sound, but your query just needs a little more tweaking.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nothing about this really makes it stand out from all the other paranormals out there.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nice hook, good story, but we also need to know how Clay is special and goes about his task.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the concept, the voice, and the delivery.
ReplyDeleteNo - while I loved that first sentence, the rest feels disconnected and some of the images don't make sense (can't picture how an EMP detector doubles as a football?)
ReplyDeleteI like the concept but the voice feels a little MG to me? I can't put my finger on it - I'm sorry I know that's incredibly unhelpful. Basically, I'd read whatever sample pages were included and if I liked the voice in those, I'd request.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteYou spend too much time setting up this story and not enough on the main character's actual journey.
Yes. Your target audience for this book is also the primary market of every ghost hunting reality show on TV. And those are being added constantly because they're being watched. As long as the writing is strong, I think this has great potential. I'd want to see more.
ReplyDeleteA very close no. I think it could be a yes if you reworked the query though. It just doesn't have any tension, no creepiness to whet my appetite for a gothic ghost story.
ReplyDeleteNo. The information in the first paragraph seems out of order, so it tripped me up. Otherwise, the premise is interesting, but just didn't grab me enough.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would ask for more.
ReplyDeleteHesitant yes. I dig a good ghost story, but want to see why Clay would risk his life for some girl he has a crush on...seems a bit dramatic/stupid of him.
ReplyDeleteHesitant yes. I'm not into the whole fairy thing, but I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. But I was on the fence. The query could use tightening. I'm not sure what the little girl has to do with anything since it's all about the fey, and the setup:hook ratio seems off.
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ReplyDeleteTentative yes. Premise is intriguing, but writing mistakes make me wary.
ReplyDeleteCould be yes; Heidi added great comments, I think a little more needs to be added to the query to solidify the conflict in the story.
ReplyDeleteYes if it's adult market urban fantasy rather than YA. Some great elements of voice stand out, and I think trying to write about a breeding ceremony in a YA angle might ultimately limit you. I would also watch for some repetitive phrases in the query.
ReplyDeleteNo, but it's close. I like the voice, but am not seeing what differentiates it yet.
ReplyDeleteYes. The query needs some work, but I get the feeling the story will patch up the holes in the query. I could be wrong.
ReplyDeleteA no for me. Voice isn't very compelling. Work on first two paragraphs to make it more clear and dramatic--this seems flat and too safe for YA.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I think your query can be streamlined, just to focus on the most important points.
ReplyDeleteThe query is a little rough, but I'm interested. I'd read a few pages.
ReplyDelete