TITLE: Gamer Daddy
GENRE: Humour
Dear Miss Snark’s Lottery Bot,
Jason has everything he needs for a full-blown midlife crisis. His wife left him, his obsession with video games has kept his social life at bay and now his job of twenty years has been axed. Faced with the prospect of no prospects he does what any self-respecting man would do; he goes on a booze and video game bender and applies to University while drunk.
While recovering from a disastrous holiday Jason not only lands a place as a mature student, he also discovers his wife is pregnant. His old friends think he has lost the plot, his new friends are young enough to be his kids and the shipping date of his favourite game has been put back again. The only things that could make his situation worse would be if he started work at a fast food place, threatened a customer on his first shift and ended up kissing a teenager under the mistletoe while his pregnant wife is waiting for him at home.
With his whole future hanging in the balance, Jason has to decide whether he is going man up, or ship out.
“Gamer Daddy” is complete at 80,000 words. The author has written several well-received web series and her play “[title]” is currently being produced by Radio Slovenia.
Thank you for taking the time to read this query and I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours truly,
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yes. This isn't my usual thing, but the query made me grin, and I hope the pages live up to the voice.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wouldn't want to spend time with this Jason. He sounds like a jerk.
ReplyDeleteNo. Given that your genre is Humor, I didn't really find the query to be humorous. Kissing a teenager while his pregnant wife is waiting at home? Not funny.
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with Janice. Jason sounds a little too unlikable for me to care about him.
ReplyDeleteYes. It sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteYes. It sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first paragraph hooked me, but in the second paragraph--kissing a teenager with his pregnant wife at home--I just wanted bad things to happen to him. Additionally, there's nothing unique or resourceful about the way he handles his situation to mark him as a sympathetic protagonist.
ReplyDeleteYes. Your query sounds interesting and I'd be curious to see more.
ReplyDeleteYes. Your writing is full of energy and it sucks me in. I like the idea of a loser/gamer/mature student, but it does really bother me how awful this guy sounds.
ReplyDeleteYes for the idea, no for the query. The first para is good but seems redundant in context of the second.
ReplyDeleteNo. Parts of the query seem to conflict each other and I'm not sure where the humor is.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I loved this. I disagree with all the comments about it not being funny or not making sense - I thought it was VERY funny and as far as your MC goes, well it's hard to tell if you'll like someone from just a query. This feels a little 40 Year Old Virgin miked with Crazy Stupid Love - clearly your book is featuring Steve Carell LOL. But yeah, I'd request.
ReplyDeleteNo - unlikeable protagonist (kissing a teenager??), and it feels too much like a bad situation rather than a story. I don't see the plot.
ReplyDeletereluctant Yes. I'd want a few pages to read.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis is all over the place. You can't mix serious stakes (an unplanned pregnancy) with silly things like the release date of a video game. Also, you need some kind of goal here (preferably one that doesn't make him sound like an ass!)
No, because his wife left him and is still pregnant and waiting for him at home.
ReplyDeleteYes. You promised humor and the query delivers, which would lead me to think the writing is probably funny as well. As long as there is enough story to go along with the humor, I'd be in.
ReplyDeleteYes- send it now!
ReplyDeleteYes. The first paragraph made me giggle.
ReplyDeleteHesitant yes. This isn't my normal thing, but the voice grabbed me enough to make me want to read a few pages.
ReplyDeleteNo. Not sure who your target audience is here. Sounds a lot like the movie "American Beauty" starring Kevin Spacey.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteIt started out funny, but then Jason got sort of lazy/jerky and lost my sympathy when it was implied he might not be there for his unborn child because he'd rather get drunk, play games, and kiss teenagers.
No. Jason doesn't sound like someone I want to spend a whole book with.
ReplyDeleteNo - I was waiting for the big adventure arc, or the personal journey moment, but I don't see it here. Make sure that ends up in your query! If it's not in your story, that might be a larger issue to work on.
ReplyDeleteNo - I was waiting for the big adventure arc, or the personal journey moment, but I don't see it here. Make sure that ends up in your query! If it's not in your story, that might be a larger issue to work on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I enjoyed the first paragraph, which was entertaining, but after that it lost me and I didn't find it funny.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDelete'Gamer Daddy' author here.
Thank you for all the thoughtful comments, it's not often you have the opportunity to receive so much feedback so quickly!
It's really interesting that so many people were turned off the whole query by the 'kissing a teenager' element. I had meant to misdirect slightly by that, because although kissing under the mistletoe occurs, it's the teenager that instigates - nay, forces! - it. I obviously did too good a job with the misdirect and will definitely amend that part.
Also, reading it again, I can see that I didn't make it clear that Jason wants to get back with his wife, but doesn't know how to. This really is the central crux of the story so leaving it out of the query was a big mistake.
Sometimes you really are too close to see these types of things, especially when you have written and rewritten your query many times.
Thank you for all the feedback, and if anyone else has any more comments, I would love to hear them.
P.S. Is it actually set in England so I had imagined Simon Pegg instead of Steve Carrell, but I can see him working, too :)
No. The genre says humor, but the query doesn't show it (for me). It did not make me laugh, only cringe.
ReplyDeleteNo - Although I think you could have something interesting here, your query confused me, and seemed to bounce around alot. His wife left him? Are they back together at the end of your query?
ReplyDeleteNo. You have some great turns of phrase (loved "the prospect of no prospects"), but I'm not interested in the mid-life crisis genre and your protag makes me want to slap him and tell him to grow up.
ReplyDelete