TITLE: The Spell of the Black Magic Key... A Black Magic Trance
GENRE: Middle Grade Action Adventure Fantasy
Tarot Card Readings… this way if you dare!
Dear Agent:
The Spell of the Black Magic Key… A Black Magic Trance is my 30,000-word middle-grade novel, my first book in a three-part trilogy. It is an action-adventure fantasy that weaves together the world of the enchanted with the mysterious and predominantly hidden realism of modern magic… the Tarot.
The Rickety Old Hag has resurrected the Wizard’s spell… the Spell of the Black Magic Key. It’s up to Bartholomew Berman to defend the world against the key’s evil! He has been called upon to answer to his father’s oath! As long as the powers of the key still exists no one’s safe! Questions need answering and, Aunt Bertilda, a Circe, insists that Bartholomew go see Madame Hecate, for a tarot card reading. Fearing what his future has in store, Bartholomew cautiously picks from the deck ultimately discovering that his adventure was predetermined by the Tarot cards that he… so warily… chose.
Thank you for your consideration and your time. If you would like to review a copy of the entire manuscript, please feel free to contact me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No. Too many exclamation points, and I got no real feel for the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me, sorry. This seems really cute and fun, but your query has several technical mistakes (misuse of commas, too many exclamation points and ellipses.)
ReplyDeleteNo. I stopped reading at the second!
ReplyDeleteNo. Aside from the overabundance of exclamation points, which could be easily remedied, I don't get a feel for the conflict or the character.
ReplyDeleteNot for me. I don't deal in magic or tarot, but perhaps someone else would connect with the premise.
ReplyDeleteNo. Very busy and as has been pointed out, lots of exclaimation points.
ReplyDeleteNo but just barely. For a MG book, I'm distressed about how much you crammed into one paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too vague and confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. I can't see a hook or a proper story or dilemma from the query. Needs to be fleshed out.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not sure of the hook or stakes.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too many exclamation points and I think (?) 30,000 is a little short for MG fantasy? It makes me think there won't be enough world-building.
ReplyDeleteNo - unnecessary introductory paragraph(s), too many exclamation points and not enough focus on your main character's journey.
ReplyDeleteNo for me
ReplyDeleteNo!!!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you can say it's a fantasy and leave it at that. Middle grade always has action and adventure and the rest of this paragraph should be evident from the summary (which it's not because this isn't really a summary so much as a set up).
No. Stopped reading at "First part in a three book trilogy."
ReplyDeleteJust query one book.
No. Sorry to repeat what others said, but too many explanation points. I also didn't get a feel for what it's about.
ReplyDeleteNo for me. I'm not sure what the story really is here. Also, some basic things like "three-part trilogy" (trilogy by definition means there will be three), the abundance of exclamation points, and the alliterative names make me shut down on this one. You may have a well-written story but I don't think your query reflects that.
ReplyDeleteNo. I need to know who this boy is, and what is at stake. I do like the tarot thing though, and think it makes for an interesting premise. There are a lot of names, extraneous details and conventions issues. But this could probably be tightened into something I'd say yes to.
ReplyDeleteNo. What's at stake? I need some more information about the plot details here.
ReplyDeleteNo. I cannot tell what the story is about, or why I should care. The query is not carefully written. It makes me worry the same is true for the book.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm not sure what the true plot is here. Is this story about Bart defending the world or getting his cards read? I don't mean to sound flip, I just wonder what the focus of your novel is really about, since you begin with "Tarot Card Readings... this way if you dare!"
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis seems like it has potential to be a good idea... but the query is too short and completely vague. I have no idea what the plot is or what Bart has to do to fix things. I have no idea how the tarot cards affect anything.
No. I have no idea what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteNo. The overuse of elipses and exclamation points distracted me. I think you need more details on the conflict and plot to pitch how your story is unique. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteNo. Beyond the technical issues, I'm not sure what the plot is really about.
ReplyDeleteNo! Exclamation marks! Ellipses! They are . . . too many! (Also what everyone else said).
ReplyDeleteNo. The first thing that made me want to not read further was the title - I think it's much, much too long.
ReplyDeleteShow us the plot. Nothing else matters. And be specific. If it's fantasy, of course the hero has to defeat the villain and save the day. But how, exactly?
ReplyDeleteNo. The title and genre are both too long and the lack of focus continues in the query. I want to know:
ReplyDeleteWho is the MC?
What does he need to accomplish?
What obstacles does he face?
What happens if he fails?
And I beg you, don't say "three part trilogy." It grates like "fiction novel,"
In case you're wondering why everyone is bugging you about the exclamation points, it's because they're a crutch. They insist that we feel something, but if you use strong, clear language, you won't need them. Trust your writing.