TITLE: Waiting For
GENRE: Women’s
Last night, I dreamed I was dying. I lay beneath a bright, cloudless sky in a lavish garden, surrounded by pink jasmine and white gardenias. Dandelions peeked above the blades of grass at the edge of my blanket and I reached for one, plucking it gently from the earth so as not to dislodge its fragile seeds. Clutching its stem, I closed my eyes to make a wish. With my last breath, I blew the seeds into the wind and watched them float through the air and out of sight.
Perhaps I realized, deep within my subconscious mind, wishes come true only in our dreams--yet for me, there would be no more dreams. Exactly four minutes ago, with my friend at my bedside, my life ended.
The dismal Portland weather seemed rather appropriate for a day like today. Silence echoed through the room, and several minutes passed before Valene lifted her head and let go of my hand. After drying her tears with the coverlet, she pushed the hair back from her face. Her eyes, red and swollen, made her appear much older than her thirty-eight years, and I realized at that moment I should never have allowed her to accompany me here this morning. I could only hope she would, in time, be able to put today’s emotional anguish behind her.
She stared at my face for a long moment, her hands folded neatly in her lap. Finally, she reached for the call button to summon the doctor.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Beautiful writing! I wonder where this is going with the MC dead on page 1, but I would definitely keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteVivid imagery and smooth writing. I'm reminded of The Lovely Bones and wondering if this is going for an afterlife-looking-back similar approach. Interesting!
ReplyDeleteNot normally my genre, but I'm intrigued. Nice opening, lovely writing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and evocative. I would love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm baffled by the title and the genre. Were they cut off?
ReplyDeleteI love this opening. I can picture this woman (guessing, based on her dream of dying in a garden) lingering in the room, watching the scene. I got the goosies!
If her friend is 38, one must assume she is roughly the same age. Makes me curious why she died so young. I'm hooked.
I love this scene. So beautifully written and evocative. I, too, was reminded of the Lovely Bones. I would love to see where it goes from here. Excellent writing!
ReplyDeleteOh, I love this! It also reminded me of Lovely Bones. Beautiful writing that flows so nicely. Great job!
ReplyDeleteUm, by the above comments I guess I'm odd woman out here, but the dream opening read as trite for me. I would have started the novel at, "Exactly four minutes ago, with my friend at me bedside, my life ended." That's where I was hooked :)
ReplyDeleteI'm with zolosolo. I was intrigued by the part where she died, but the opening paragraph where she dreamed about dying didn't do it for me. It felt too close to the whole "opening with a dream" taboo.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the last two commenters - start with the "Exactly four minutes ago". Not sure where it is going, but very nicely written.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading!
I'm sorry but the opening paragraph is too melodramatic for me. It also sounds like back-story without much meaning.
ReplyDeleteo Consider starting with the "Exactly four minutes ago..." line. It immediately sets the frame.
i'm on board with the beginning at the 4 minutes line - sooo strong. i love your writing and want to read the first part, but agree that the hook is stronger with the 'four minutes ago' line.
ReplyDeleteWell, I do have to ask, if one is dead how is one telling the story? Just the basic premise of that logistic confused me. This doesn't seem to be a paranormal piece (the genre did get cut off, however, I think).
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery and the concern for Valene. I just, yeah, guess that college writing course is still rearing it's ugly head with the conventions which were drilled into me. :-)
I'm probably an idiot, but I read the whole thing as her dream the first time through. She's dreaming she's dying, then all of a sudden she's really dead. I think I missed something in between. The voice is good, but I'd lose the dream sequence and open with the actual death.
ReplyDeleteI think your story starts with the setting in Portland. The dream doesn't add much at this point, and agents generally comment that opening with a dream is a turn-off. If you're looking for publication, I take that part in and save it for later.
ReplyDeleteGood call! I totally missed this line buried in the dream stuff:
ReplyDeleteExactly four minutes ago, with my friend at my bedside, my life ended.
That should absolutely be your first line.
Your writing is beautiful. I didn't have a problem with the opening. She's telling she had a dream. I think the taboo is if the character is in a dream, the reader thinks it's real, and then the character wakes up. That being said, the line "Exactly four minutes ago...my life ended" is so powerful it might be worth playing around with using that as your first line.
ReplyDeleteThis really drew me in. I want to learn more about your MC, Valene, and their friendship.
Good luck!
I agree with Jill. The opening line said she had the dream last night. No taboo here.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if there's a connection between how she imagined her death to be vs how she actually died (if that makes sense). And did she KNOW she was going to die when she had the dream or was it coincidence?
The other thing that intrigues me is the "call button" to summon the doctor. Is she in a hospital room? Makes me SO curious.
Great writing.
Looks like other entrants are peering in as an anonymous commenters, so I'll do the same. Authoress, please feel free to delete this comment if you so desire.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your lovely comments. The title is "Waiting For Someday." Not sure what happened to "Someday."
To answer a few questions, no, the narrator is not dreaming in the opening, she is mentioning a dream she had the previous night.
No, this is not a 'paranormal' genre. This first chapter is the only one told by the woman who died. She is lingering in the room after her death, watching the scene. The MC is Valene. The rest of the story is in Valene's POV and how things led up to her friend's death.
Thanks so much for your suggestions. Good luck to all.
I thought this was beautifully written. The first paragraph is so lovely, I wouldn't want to toss it. Of COURSE I'm hooked with the potential MC dying on the first page. That stated, I do have one tweak--the jump between the 2nd and 3rd paragraph isn't as smooth as I would like. Otherwise, well done!
ReplyDelete