TITLE: DARK SHADOW RISING
GENRE: WOMEN'S FICTION/THRILLER
Dick Whitney sat opposite the most beautiful woman in the dining room and wondered how he was going to tell her. He inhaled the smells of garlic bread and the rich tomato-basil sauce in the air of Antonio’s Ristorante, but he'd lost his appetite.
He could look out at the surf, the full moon, and the thousand stars garnishing the sky above the Gulf of Mexico, but Dick wasn't focusing on the view, at least not the one out the window. He feasted his eyes on his companion and raised his drink. “Happy Birthday, Ann.”
She crinkled her nose at him; one of the things he loved most about her. They clinked glasses and then he stared at her, amazed. This fantastic woman chose to marry him, a scruffy newspaper man fifteen years her senior.
Even after ten years, she looked the same as she had on their wedding day. She still adored him. He could see it deep in her luminous green eyes.
The soft light put a sheen in her red hair and made orange shadows in the folds of her peach-colored top and matching skirt. She moved her hand over the silky fabric covering her shoulder. "Thanks for the outfit."
How he loved that clear alto voice. It could calm him in a crisis or urge him on during lovemaking.
What would she say when he told her what he was about to do?
Miss Snark's First Victim
What is he about to do? I'm immediately hooked and want to know more. Good job with giving us hints of background while staying in the present.
ReplyDeleteThis is great, very well written. The last sentence seemed like overkill since you had opened with "wondered how he was going to tell her." but other than that, I'm hooked and I would read on.
ReplyDeleteVery nice mood and tension. I would love to read more to find out what he plans to do. The last line is a bit strange, but maybe the line or two after will make it set more comfortably.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by your opening sentence. The suspense was there from the get-go. I know this is only 250 words, but I wanted to hear what he was about to tell her!
ReplyDeleteI think your last sentence is unnecesary. We already know something bad(?) is going to be said. Makes me wonder what your next sentence would have been if you dropped "What would she say..."
Anyway, good opening. Good hook.
Loved this opening. I have to admit that I read the opening quickly and thought he was saying he wondered how to tell her she was the most beautiful woman in the room. In retrospect, I think that was my mistake. I especially loved the last line and was hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but there's too much focus on description and not enough on the story. Consider simplifying. He adored his wife. Though I have to wonder if he isn't also creepily controlling. What husband buys an outfit for his wife?
ReplyDeleteLol - not mine!
Deletei really like this and was caught up in it and gobbling it up then stopped b/c i thought she had agreed to marry him right then, then i realized they'd been married 10 years. again, i like it a lot and want to read more
ReplyDeleteA lot of description and would have preferred more focus on suspense. Wondering if it was your intention not to mention what he needed to tell her in your first 250. The food description, her alto voice, etc., not really important here IMO.
ReplyDeleteI get that he is obsessed with his wife, but too much description. His obsession would seem more plausible to me if it were a new relationship, not after 10 years of marriage. Possible? Yes. Probable? Not likey.
Last sentence seems 'forced.'. Of course he wonders what she'll say, but I can't believe he is just now wondering it at this point.
Sorry, I just didn't connect with it :'(
I liked it. Great build-up. I initially assumed he was going to tell her about an affair, but that seemd unlikely as I read on.
ReplyDeleteJust a quibble - lose the italics at the end. They underscore a point that doesn;t need to be underscored.
Like Jo, I thought he was going to tell her he was having an affair. Or leaving her. When it became obvious how much he adores her, I was hooked. Great start.
ReplyDeleteI think this line: "What would she say when he told her what he was about to do?" belongs in your opening. The first time he asks that question, what was he going to tell her, it just stops. All that follows feels distracting until the question is asked again. At least if we know the question, the rest doesn't feel like it's slowing the pace.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence hooked me, the rest of it lost me. He might love her, it doesn't mean he isn't a jerk. I think what made me lose all faith in him as someone worth following is that he notes the things he loves about her, but not that he loves her. Then he goes on to say that she still adored him; he knows that much about her after 10 years of marriage but doesn't know her well enough to know how she's going to react to his announcement? Not even an idea? That's fairly self absorbed.
ReplyDeleteSorry, it's well written, but the MC isn't someone I want to spend time with at this point.
I want to know!! Which means you've done your job :) Nice. good luck!
ReplyDeleteI just realized why this character name sounded so familiar. It sounds a lot like 'Dick Whitman,' Don Draper's former identity, on Mad Men.
ReplyDeleteYou've done a great job of setting the scene, but I feel that to grab me, I need more. The beginning hook works (how was he going to tell her) but then it's dropped in a lot of overly descriptive narrative. The depiction of the tomato-basil sauce and the color of her top and skirt, her alto voice just don't ring true to me. That stated, hook of wondering what he was going to say is very enticing.
ReplyDelete