TITLE: Clear Cut
GENRE: YA Fantasy
“The convict you choose will serve as your bodyguard on the journey ahead.” High Priestess Kiretel surveys us, her gaze stopping on me. “You can still be ordained if you exorcise a demon, so don't hesitate to transform your convict, Nanoken.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked the first line--the rest is too much too soon. High Priestess Kiretel? Exorcisms? Nanoken? And you're wasting words, IMO, on telling us she's lookin at the MC. I'd rather know how the MC sees her!
ReplyDeleteAaaand I'm not a huge fan of stories that start in the present tense.
BUT I still love the first line. = )
I'd keep reading, but only because I like the first line so much. I'm not as crazy about your next two lines. I feel Kiretel's dialogue comes off as very telling, and it doesn't quite pull me into your story. But I still love your first line.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to use a different verb than 'surveys'. If she's surveying them, she's looking closely, so her gaze wouldn't stop on him. It would already be there. And as one of the above commenters said, why tell us she's looking at him? If she's talking to him, the reader will assume that.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's a lot here in a short amount of time. First line is still one of my favorites but I wasn't as taken with the next two. I'd almost like to see the mystery and feeling I get from the first one extended a bit. Or give us something unusual about the Priestess, like crazy hair or ornaments. The last word, I'm not sure if it's a name or not so that confused me too. There is a ton of potential here and of course I'd read on.
ReplyDeletefirst line was great. third is slipping into confusing world-building too quickly for my taste.
ReplyDeleteI'm caught between being intrigued and being confused. There's so much that's happening so quickly here, I feel like I won't be able to catch up, and that will entice me to put it down - or, rather, flip the book over and read the back again to make sure I know what's supposed to be happening so I can get caught up. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, especially as there's no back of the book here.
ReplyDeleteYes. The situation is interesting and the character is clearly special.
ReplyDeleteThis feels like a line out of the middle of a scene, so already I'm lost. I know the advice on the street is to start with action--but the action also has to come with some reason to connect with your characters :) The concept in these sentences sounds promising!
ReplyDeleteI'm not fond of starting in the middle of the action. I like to ease into a story. But that might just be me.
ReplyDeleteWaaaaayyyy too much information all smashed together before I even have my bearings. I'm lost and ready to put it down.
ReplyDeleteDitto everyone else. I'm already feeling overwhelmed. That's one of the reasons it's so hard to start with dialogue, especially in a fantasy world.
ReplyDeleteYou might think about giving us a paragraph or two to settle into the world and scene and learn a thing or two about the main character. Then you can get going with more of these specifics. Remember, opening scenes don't have to have a lot of action to be active. They just have to introduce a character and a situation that we're going to care about.
I'd read a little more to see if some of this starts to make sense. People sometimes complain about starting with dialog because you have no reference for it. I'm not usually that picky, but this just keeps giving immediate stuff without a pause to let the reader make sense of it. We're asked to process a lot of things--convict, bodyguard, journey, Priestess Kiretel, ordained, exorcise, demon, transform, Nanoken--very quickly and without much help. I think settling into the scene a bit--maybe focusing on the MC's reactions to the situation--would be useful.
ReplyDeleteMan, I love this first line. I wanted to hear more about the convicts - see the MC going through the selection process. I'm still hoping for more about this whole convict selection thing, so I would read on, but the line about exorcising the demon was a bit confusing for me since I don't yet know the connection between demons and convicts.
ReplyDeleteThe first line, and the concept behind it, is intriguing. I'm a fantasy reader; I can take a bit of strangeness. However, what comes next comes a little too fast. I feel adrift already; it all sounds interesting, but I'd rather be spoonfed it slowly.
ReplyDeleteThis feels to me like something from the middle of a scene, not the beginning. There's too much going on and I don't know who any of the characters are and what they mean.
ReplyDeleteDid I miss something? First line still grabs, but yeah, too much too soon and it gets confusing. I think you could rewrite the whole thing and make it even better. It's a good concept, for sure!
ReplyDeleteThere's an intriguing concept in here that I'm curious about, but on the overall, this falls flat for me. I think it really needs to start in some way where we know who the character is before we get to this point.
ReplyDeleteThe first line grabbed me. The second line wasn't too bad either. But you lost me with the third. All of the sudden there's a bunch of things going on that I don't understand. You have demon exorcisms, transforming convicts, and hard-to-pronounce names packed into a single sentence, and none of them mean anything to me at this point. Add to that that I don't know who is talking and you get me to stop reading.
ReplyDeleteI would not keep reading. What does the High Priestess look like? There's no description to intrigue me.
ReplyDeleteThis one feels like it jumps into action a bit too fast. I'd suggest you start with the second line and give us a bit more information about who this is and where she is before you start the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Holly
Just slightly too much here, I think. Ordained, exorcise, demon, transform . . . it leaves me confused.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of the other commenters - all three lines together are a little disorienting. There might be a better place to begin the story, maybe by letting us know where we are, or giving the narrator a chance to make some observations about the priestess or the convicts, first.
ReplyDeleteDitto what everyone else said. Too many names and strange concepts, too fast.
ReplyDeleteI agree, too much too soon.
ReplyDelete