TITLE: Artashad
GENRE: Historical Fiction
When Tiridates, an exiled Armenian prince, learns how his people suffer under Persian rule he resolves to reclaim his father's throne on Artashad. To succeed, Tiridates must navigate the ruthless ambition of Roman warlords, the manipulations of the emperor's seductive daughter, and the unstoppable Savaran riders who defend Persia.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Concise, but the second part reads like a to do list. Also, why must a Armenian prince worry about the defenders of Persia? I think you need to rework the To succeed sentence and you're there.
ReplyDeleteI like this, perhaps partly because I'm not familiar with Armenian history and it intrigues me to get a glimpse at it. I do feel like the first sentence is rather passive for something that incites so many big things in the second sentence. "Learns how his people suffer" is kind of underwhelming alongside warlords and unstoppable riders. But overall I like it. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like this. I agree that you could be more specific about "how his people suffer" to up the stakes.
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty good but "navigate" is not the right word. You need something that conveys a challenge.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I like that you have a historical fiction set outside Western Europe, so that immediately intrigued me. I think you could strengthen this by being more specific with how his people suffer and focusing on a singular goal rather than a list.
ReplyDeleteVery simple, lays out the important stuff in a readily comprehensible style. Perfect approach for a HF logline. Only negative reaction was to the "seductive daughter," a peril that needs a little more consequence to feel appropriate beside the unstoppable riders and ruthless warlords.
ReplyDeleteReally love this, but it feels like there's too many names. I think you could get rid of Artashad and Savaran while still getting the point across.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comment about names. For someone unfamiliar with that area of the world having Armenian, Persia , Artashad and Roman all together was a bit confusing. Throw in the Tiridates and the Savaran and it's just a bit too much to keep straight who's who.
ReplyDeleteThis is from someone who knows nothing of the history of this area, and I have to say I was confused with how all of the obstacles fit together. Armenians v. Persian rule, okay. But then you lost me with with Romans, the emperor (was it the Roman emperor or another) and the Savaran riders (is this another name for all Persian defenders? A splinter group?)
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit too complex to me - too many names, etc. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous commenters: too many names, the second sentence does feel like a to-do list and wasn't as exciting as I'd expect, and the first sentence needs some stronger word selections. But I think you are definitely on the right track.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first line. As others have noted, the second line needs a more urgent, perhaps singular goal.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your feedback! Here's attempt number 2, and hopefully it's more clear:
ReplyDeleteFifteen years after the Persian army killed his father and invaded his homeland, exiled Prince Tiridates decides these unwanted guests have overstayed their welcome in Armenia. He manages to forge an alliance with Rome, but his path to kingship is treacherous, for the warlords who are meant to help him are ruthlessly ambitious, and the skilled Persian cavalry is more numerous than the stars.
I think it's coming along great. You still need a decision point, a conflict that can be resolved and the stakes if he loses. "The path to kingship" is not enough. What specific goal is he trying to reach. The throne? The end of war? Eliminating the warlords? Defeating the Persians? What's stopping him from reaching that specific end goal and what would be at stake if he fails? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteCristin, your revision is much cleaner. "Overstayed their welcome" is cliche, so you might want to leave it out or find a better way to say it. Sounds like a great read.
ReplyDeleteYes, the revision is a big improvement and it sounds like a great story. But, "unwanted guests have overstayed their welcome" sounds flippant, which trivializes the situation. Maybe go back to the suffering of his people, from the first version, but with a strong example instead of a generality.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that claiming the throne won't solve the problem. Perhaps the problem should be defeating the Persians or whoever the Persian King or Emperor is. It's kind of the same thing, but yet, it's not. Maybe say he needs to overthrow the current king (use his name) rather than saying he wants to reclaim the throne. Get that villain in there.
ReplyDeleteI agree withe comments about the names, but I love that you're doing historical fiction. In this case, you might get more attention because we're heading for the 100th anniversary of the Armenian genocide!
ReplyDelete